A MESSAGE FOR LILY.


(David J. Hussey)

Bert looked up reluctantly from the television programme that he was watching,to answer his wife's voice fromthe kitchen. "What did you say?" he grumbled; thinking that if the football match hadn't been into half-time, he wouldn't have bothered."I said that I'm off now." came the muffled answer.
Bert got up and, brushing the crumbs from his packet of crisps on to the carpet without a moments thought, went out into the hall to find his wife struggling into her coat. "Well!" she exclaimed, "Don't bother to help me!" Bert, who hadn't thought of helping her, watched critically."You're not going out again tonight are you?" he asked. "You went out last night and the night before and the night before that! You're not meeting a fella are you?" His wife looked at her middle-aged reflection in the hall mirror and thought that a chance would be a fine thing.
She remembered that, years ago, she and Bert used to go out to dances and clubs together and even for the occasional meal. She sighed, "I'm only going out 'cos you are stuck in front of the television every night. The programmes haven't been the same since you got that ugly dust-bin lid thing stuck on to the front of the house." Bert was aghast, "Dust-bin lid, indeed!" he cried, "That, I'll have you know, is the best hi-tech piece of equipment that money can buy.""Oh yes!" came the quick reply, "And you haven't told me yet, how much it cost!"

Bert realised that he had talked himself into a corner, as the satellite dish was a big bone of contention between them - mainly, he had to admit, because he was always watching the sports channel."Now look here Lily." he said placatingly, "You know thatthere are programmes that you watch on it."His wife paused in the act of adjusting herhat - a little red number that she was particularly pleased with.
It wasn't new, in fact it was Oxfam's latest, but she liked it. "I well remember the nights that I used to stay in and you went out with the lads drinking and getting home at all hours."

Bert could see that corner coming up again and moved to go back into the living room."And," his wife's voice followed him, "I am meeting some friends from the W.I. We are going to a specialmeeting." Bert, after glancing at the clock and the T.V. went back into the hall. "What sort of meeting?" he asked. "The other night it was jam making; the night before it was a lecture on Spain." He paused, suddenly suspicious, as Lily was always 'going on' about holidays abroad in some foreign country or other. "And last week, if I remember, it was 'Cooking for Beginners' there's nothing wrong with your cooking."
"It was 'Micro-wave Cooking for Beginners' retorted his wife. Bert looked at his wife in amazement. "But we haven't got a bloomin' micro-wave!" "No!" said Lily triumphantly, "'Cos you spent the money on that dust-bin lid thing!"
Bert was getting fed-up with that corner and decided, as many men before him had, that the best method of
defence was to change the subject. "I think that hat makes you look stupid, and," he continued desperately, "The colour makes your face look old!" The only answer was the slamming of the front door.

He realised that, perhaps, he had gone too far and hoped that when his wife returned, she would have calmed down somewhat. The door opened suddenly and Lily's angry face appeared. "If", she said ominously, "You haven't washed up the dinner dishes by the time I come home......."
The door slammed again. Bert waited a moment and had just decided that it wouldn't harm, just this once, to wash up when the roar of the crowd heralding the second half drew him back into the living room.

Lily sat in the village hall and wondered why she had let her friends talk her into what was, to all intents and
purposes, a Spiritual Meeting. She was very sceptical about such things. For one thing, she didn't believe in the 'after life', but thought that messages 'from the other side' were something that should not be made fun off.
Her friends' told her that it was just a bit of entertainment but she could see that many people in the hall took it seriously and derived some comfort from the proceedings.
After listening with half an ear to various messages from 'passed over' husbands, wives, relatives and pets of all kinds, she became aware that the leader of the group was asking if there was anyone named Lilian in the audience.
"Hey!" said one of her friends, nudging her, "That's you!" She reluctantly raised her hand. The person on the
stage said, "I have a message for you Lilian. "It's from someone called Bert. He says 'Sorry! He was wrong
about that hat'. There was a general mutter of amusement as Lily quickly removed her red hat.

On the way home she thought again about what had been said and was still annoyed about it when she arrived at her door. As she walked through to the kitchen her annoyance grew as she noticed the pile of dirty dishes piled in the sink and could hear the television blaring out.

She stormed into the living room. "I suppose you were behind that embarrassing business at the church hall!" she shouted, "And, you lazy beggar, why didn't you wash up the dishes instead of just sitting slumped in front of the T.V.? "I'm talking to you Bert. Bert? BERT!!"