Sexual Life of the Camel

The sexual life of the camel,
Is stranger than anyone thinks,
At the height of the mating season,
It tries to bugger the Sphinx.
But the Sphinx's posterior orifice,
Is blocked by the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel,
And Sphinx's inscrutable smile.

    Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, titty-bum.
    Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, aye.
    Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, titty-bum.
    Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, aye.

The sexual life of the ostrich,
Is hard to understand,
At the height of the mating season,
It buries its head in the sand.
And if another ostrich finds it,
Standing there with its ass in the air,
Does it have the urge to grind,
Or doesn't it bloody-well care?

    chorus

The sexual life of a bullfrog
Is understood by some,
At the height of the mating season
He crawls up the arse of his chum.
But this vile orifice is horrible
And filled with foul gases and slime,
Which accounts for his croak
And why he says "ugh" all the time.

In the process of civilization,
From anthropoid ape down to man,
It is generally held that the navy,
Has buggered whatever it can.
Yet recent extensive researches,
By Darwin and Huxley and Hall,
Have conclusively proven that the hedgehog,
Cannot be buggered at all.

We therefore believe our conclusion,
Is incontrovertibly shown
That comparative safety on shipboard,
Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone,
Why haven't they done it a Spithead,
As they have at Harvard and Yale,
And also at Oxford and Cambridge,
By shaving the spines off the tail?

So cum all you ruggers,
And to the occasion rise,
Grab yourself a hedgehog,
And give a real surprise,
The following instructions,
Will ensure that you do not fail,
Simply ream out its ass with a hose pipe,
And shave the spines off his tail.

My name is Cecil,
I cum from Lester Square,
I go all around the place,
With flowers in my hair,
For we're all queers together,
That's why we go around in pairs,
For we're all queers together,
Now excuse us while we go upstares.

I went for a ride on the subway,
And found I had to stand,
A little boy offered me his seat,
So I grabbed it with my hand,
For we're all queers together,
That's why we go around in pairs,
For we're all queers together,
Now excuse us while we go upstairs.

It was Christmas Eve in the harem
The eunuchs all standing there,
A hundred dusky maidens,
Combing their pubic hair.
When along came Father Christmas,
Striding down the marble halls,
When he asked what they wanted for Christmas,
The eunuchs all answered, "Balls!"

Oh, the old men were having a birthday,
Standing at the bar,
Thinking about the old times,
Thinking back so far.
When along came a dusky maiden,
By Christ, she was so fair,
When she asked what they'd like for their birthday,
The old men all shouted, "Hair!"
 

The Twelve Days of Rugby(10)

On the first day of rugby,
My true love gave to me,
A hand job that wasn't worth fuck.

On the second day of rugby,
My true love gave to me,
Two shit house doors,
And a hand job that wasn't worth a fuck.

Three French whores...

Four calling girls...

Five golden showers...

Six sixty-niners...

Seven sleazy sisters...

Eight aching assholes...

Nine knawed-off nipples..

Ten tons of titties...

Eleven leaping lesbians

Twelve twats a-twitching...

    10.    To the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas. Obscene actions go with each verse.

I Met a Whore in the Park(11)

I met a whore in the park one day
ya ho, ya ho
I met a whore in the park one day
ya ho, ya ho
I met a whore in the park one day
She said hey rugger, you wanna lay

    Get in, Get out, quit fuckin' about
    ya ho, ya ho, ya ho.

I put my hand upon her toe
ya ho, ya ho
I put my hand upon her toe
ya ho, ya ho
I put my hand upon her toe,
She said hey rugger you're way to low.

    chorus

I put my hand upon her knee...
She said hey rugger you're kiddin' me

... her ear...
... not even near

... chin,,,
... stick it in!

... nose,,,
... gimme that hose!

... mouth,,,
... start headin' south!

I put my dick into her mouth...
She said mmm, mhmh, mhmhm!

... tit...
... now you're getting it!

... breast...
... I want a rest!

... thigh...
... you're gettin me high!

... twat...
... you hit the spot

Now she lies in a wooden box...
From havin' too many rugger's cocks

Now she's dead but not forgotten...
We'll dig her up and fuck her rotten

    11.    Sung to the tune When Johnny Comes Marching Home.

Yogi Bear

I know a bear that you all know,
Yogi, Yogi,
I know a bear that you all know,
Yogi, Yogi Bear,
Yogi, Yogi Bear,
Yogi, Yogi Bear,
I know a bear that you all know,
Yogi, Yogi Bear.

Yogi's got a little friend,
Booboo, Booboo,
Yogi's got a little friend,
Booboo, Booboo Bear,
Booboo, Booboo Bear,
Booboo, Booboo Bear,
Yogi's got a little friend,
Booboo, Booboo Bear.

Yogi's got a girlfriend,
Suzi, Suzi Bear,

Yogi has another friend,
Cindy, Cindy Bear

Yogi's got an enemy, Ranger
Ranger, Ranger Smith

Yogi's got a cheesy knob, cammum,
Camem, Camembert

Suzi likes it on the fridge, polar,
Polar, Polar bear.

Booboo likes it up the ass, brown,
Brown, Brown bear.

Yogi's dick is long and green, cucum,
Cucum, cucumber.

Suzi doesn't to shave her pubes, grizzly,
Grizzly, grizzly bear.

Cindy wears crotchless undies,
Teddy, teddy bear

Cindy likes it up the rear,
Dirty, dirty bear

Suzi Bear has no teeth,
Gummi, Gummi bear

Cindy she has great big tits,
More than, More than (I can bear)

Suzi gets four bits an hour,
Jingle, jingle bear

Cindy's tampon has no string,
Cotton, cotton bear

Boo-Boo likes it upside down,
Koala, Koala Bear

Suzi does it with a Kennedy,
Teddy, Teddy Bear

Yogi got a case of crabs,
Itchy, itchy bear

Boo-Boo likes to stroke his tool,
Wanker, wanker bear

Yogi also likes young boys,
Poofter, poofter bear

Cindi has a girlfriend,
Klondike, Klondike bear

Yogi likes to roll his own,
Smoky, Smoky bear

Yogi didn't use a condom,
Daddy, daddy Bear

Yogi uses condoms,
Clever, clever bear

Boo-Boo pokes holes in them,
Naughty, naughty bear

Cindy gets what she deserves,
Pregnant, pregnant bear

Yogi has suspected AIDS,
Goodbye, goodbye bear

Abortion

Abortion, Abortion,
A B O R T I O N
Abortion, Abortion,
A B O R T I O N
Meat cleaver, coat hanger, or a long pole,
The thing that works best is a can of Drano.

ABORTION
Well you get that poker nice and hot,
Then you shove it way up in her twat.

SCROTUM...
It's baggy and it's scraggly and it's covered with hair,
But what would you do if it wasn't there.

NOSE JOB...
It's better than a blowjob 'cause she doesn't cough,
My baby loves it best when she sniffs me off.

TITTIES
Well their just a part of the epiderm,
But I like 'em best when they're big and firm.

TIT FUCK...
Northside, southside, eastside, or west,
My baby loves it best when I come on her chest.

DRY HUMP...
Northside, southside, eastside, or west,
My baby loves it best when I come on her dress.

MUFFDIVE
She wraps her legs around your face,
You lick and slobber all over the place.

SMEGMA
It's white and cheesy, and it smells like taint,
But if you eat too much, you're liable to faint.

SODOMY
You put the sheep's legs inside your boots,
So it can't change it's mind when you shoot.

BLOWJOB...
Northside, westside, eastside, or south,
My baby loves it best when I come in her mouth.

SWALLOW
She'll swallow it all and she'll swallow it well,
She'll swallow it all 'cause she ain't on the pill.

HANDJOB
You wrap your hand around your gland,
You slap it around 'til it just won't stand.

SICK DICK...
All she wanted was a little kiss,
But I ended up giving her syphilis.

JAR FUCK...
It's warm and it's juicy and it'll even quiver,
When you can't find a girl, use a jar of chopped liver.

POOP PACK...
It's round and it's brown and it's covered with goop,
My baby loves it best when I pack her poop.

BUTT FUCK...
It's brown and it's round and it's full of gas,
My baby loves it best when I fuck her in the ass.

EYE FUCK...
Right eye, left eye, it's all the same,
My baby loves it best when I come on her brain.

ARMPIT FUCK...
Right arm, left arm, but never her cunt,
My baby doesn't use deodorant.

MOM FUCK...
I took my baby to the senior prom,
I couldn't fuck her so I fucked her mom.

RED LIPS...
Life can be such a drag,
When you're eating out your girl and she's on the rag.

BABY FUCK...
First you lay the baby on the bed,
Then you fuck the soft spot on its head.

DIRTBAG
They may be fat and they may be thin,
But oh they 're all beauty queens when you get it in.

ASSHOLE (name)
He's a hell of a rugger and a hell of a singer,
But when he tries to fuck a woman she asks for his finger.

Bagpipe Song(12)

Here's to the lassie with the black hairy assey
Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC
(BAGPIPE SOUND)

Then there was the jockey with his upstanding cocky
Riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey
Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC
(BAGPIPE SOUND)

Then there was the Yankee wanking in his hanky
Thinking of the jockey with the upstanding cocky
Riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey
Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC
(BAGPIPE SOUND)

Then there was the queerie leering through his beery
At the sight of the Yankee wanking in his hanky
Thinking of the jockey with the upstanding cocky
Riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey
Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC
(BAGPIPE SOUND)

Then there was the Harlot making money in the carlot
To support the queerie leering through his beery
At the sight of the Yankee wanking in his hanky
Thinking of the jockey with the upstanding cocky
Riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey
Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC
(BAGPIPE SOUND)

Then there was the rugger posing as a flasher
Hustling the Harlot making money in the car lot
To support the queerie leering through his beery
At the sight of the Yankee wanking in his hanky
Thinking of the jockey with the upstanding cocky
Riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey
Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC
(BAGPIPE SOUND)

Then there was the Wenchy going down on a benchy
Making money for the rugger posing as a flasher
Hustling the Harlot making money in the car lot
To support the queerie leering through his beery
At the sight of the Yankee wanking in his hanky
Thinking of the jockey with the upstanding cocky
Riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey
Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC
(BAGPIPE SOUND)

Now the moral of this ditty is that when in Cold Lake
And you're with a girlie chasing hairs short and curly
Remember to take her hashing and give her a bashing
Keep her from the Wenchy going down on a benchy
Making money for the rugger posing as a flasher
Hustling the Harlot making money in the car lot
To support the queerie leering through his beery
At the sight of the Yankee wanking in his hanky
Thinking of the jockey with the upstanding cocky
Riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey
Who was lifting up her kilty to the Penguins RFC

    12.    Sung to the tune of Scotland the Brave.

Bestiality's Best(13)

    Bestiality's best, boys,
    Bestiality's best - SHAG A WALLABY!
    Bestiality's best, boys,
    Bestiality's best.

Put your log up a dog, boys
Put your log up a dog,
Don't you like a dog, boys
Put your log up a dog.

    chorus

Stick your lug in a slug, boys...
Aren't you hot for a slug, boys...

Slip your slew to a ewe, boys...
Don't you dream of a ewe, boys...

Get turned on by a duck, boys...
Doesn't that make you go quack, boys...

Tickle the clit of a gnat, boys...
Isn't that just where it's at, boys...

Rough love with a horse, boys...
You gotta use force with a horse, boys...

Any which way with a jay...

Anyway you can with a pelican...

Be a queer with a deer...

Be a rotter with an otter...

Be pleasant to a pheasant...

Bring a flea to his knees...

Chuck your sperm in a worm...

Cunnilingo with a dingo...

Do an illegal with an eagle...

Do it funky with a monkey...

Down the throat of a goat...

Drink the pee of a bee...

Drip your juice on a moose...

Drip your yeast on a wildebeest...

Drop some goo in a shrew...

Ejaculate in a snake...

Fool with the tool of a mule...

Get a suck from a duck...

Get in deep with a sheep...

Get it out for a trout...

Get the pox off a fox...

Get under the tail of a snail...

Get your release in a fleece...

Give a half to a giraffe...

Give a lickin' to a chicken...

Give some cock to a croc...

Give your gerbil some verbal...

Give your milk to an elk...

Go a rounder with a flounder...

Go and defile a crocodile...

Go the whole way with a moray...

Grind your mound on a hound...

Have a chimp with an imp...

Have a cracker with a quacker...

Have a deer from the rear...

Have a filler with a gorilla...

Have a frig with a pig...

Have a fuck with a duck...

Have a hug with a bug...

Have a lark with an aardvark...

Have a rape with an ape...

Have a shag with a stag...

Have a squirm with a worm...

Have intercourse with a horse...

In a heap with a sheep...

In the Bahamas with some llamas...

In the bog with a dog...

In the dark with a shark...

In the ear of a deer...

In the esophagus of an octapus...

In the lake with a drake...

In the sack with yak...

Jam your cam in a ram...

Make a llama a mama...

Make a moose real loose...

Make an eel squeal...

Make it limp in a chimp...

Make it twirl in a squirrel...

Make it wonky with a donkey...

Make love with a dove...

Make some porn with a unicorn...

Mate a 'gator then fellate her...

Move your tool in a mule...

On a honeymoon with a raccoon...

On a train with a crane...

On the lawn with a prawn...

On top of the easel with a weasel...

Part the hair of a mare...

Put it in the mid of a squid...

Put it through a gnu...

Put your brillo next to an armadillo...

Make a dock in a peacock...

Put your load in a toad...

Put your noodle to a poodle...

Put your spear in a deer...

Put your sperm in a worm...

Put your thang in an orangoutang...

Rub the thigh of a fly...

Rub your beaver on a retriever...

Rub your box on a fox...

Rub your clitorus on a hippopotamus...

Rub your clitty on a kitty...

Rub your cunt on an elephunt...

Shoot your spunk into a skunk...

Shove your willy up a filly...

Sixty-nine with a swine...

Skull fuck a duck...

Stick you rod up a cod...

Stick your cock in a hawk...

Stick your dork in a stork...

Stick your log in a frog...

Stick your needle in a beetle...

Up the ass of a bass...

Up the back of a yak...

Up the box of a fox...

Up the fanny of a nanny...

Up the flue of a shrew...

Up the hole of a mole...

Up the spout of a trout...

Up the tail of a whale...

Blow your rocks in an ox...

    13.    Sung to the tune of Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Boys

Boy Meets Girl(14)

Boy meets girl, holds her hand,
Visions of a promised land,

Tender words, cling and kiss,
Crafty feel, heavenly bliss,

Nibble nipples, squeeze those thighs,
Gets a beat, feels a rise,

Eyes ablaze, drawers down,
Really starts to go to town,

Legs outspread, virgin lass,
Fanny foams like bottled Bass,

Ram it home, moans of joy,
Teenage love, girl meets boy,

Love's a jewel, pearls he's won,
Shoots his load, what's he done,

Comes the payoff, here's the rub,
He's got her in the puffing club,

Comes the wedding, bridesmaids flap,
Love and cherish, all that crap,

A tubby tum, weighty gain,
Prams and nappies, labour pain,

Begins to realize, what he did,
Nagging wife and screaming kid,

Sweats his ass off, works his stint;
Only pleasure is evening time,

Can't forsake those sexy habits,
Breeding kids like bloody rabbits.

    14.    Sung to the tune of Only Women Bleed.

Dickie Dina

    What colour was it? (spoken)
    There was one white one, one black one,
    And one with a little shight on,
    And one with a little light on to show us the way.
    And the hairs, and the hairs,
    And the hairs of her dickie-dina
    Hung down to her knees.

She married an Italian with balls like a bloody stallion
As the hairs of her dickie-dina
Hung down to her knees.

    chorus

She divorced the Italian, and married the stallion

It'd take a brontosaurus to eat her clitoris

It'd take a Welsh miner to find her vagina

It'd take a bloody wrecker to extract your pecker

It's like going through a forest, to find her clitoris

Her love thought he'd seduced her, but turned out he'd only goosed her.

On her first trip through Melbourne, she strangled her firstborn

She lives on a cattle ranch, and shits like a bloody avalanche

If she were my daughter, I'd have her cut much shorter

On a trip through Vladivostock, she sampled a bit of horsecock

She sits on a mountain, and pisses like a bloody fountain

I flicked it, I licked it, I even drop kicked it

I fucked her, I sucked her, I even loose rucked her

I've smelt it and felt it, it feels like a piece of velvet

I touched it, I poked it, I even rolled and smoked it

It takes a Penguin rugger, to get down and fuck her

Do Your Balls Hang Low?

Do your balls hang low?
Do they swing to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em o'er your shoulder,
Can you pluck a merry tune
When your balls hang low.

    Ting-a-ling, God damn,
    Find a woman if you can.
    If you can't find a woman,
    Find a clean old man.
    If you're ever in Gibraltar,
    Take a flying fuck at Walter.
    Can you do the double shuffle,
    When your balls hang low?

Do your balls hang low?
Do they swing to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Do they make a lusty clamor,
When you hit them with a hammer?
When you ball hang low.

    chorus

Can you bounce 'em off the wall,
Like an Indian rubber ball?

Do they have a hollow sound,
When you drag 'em on the ground?

Do they have a mellow tingle,
When you hit 'em with a shingle?

Do they have a salty taste,
When you wrap 'em 'round your waist?

Do they chime like a gong,
When you pull upon your dong?

Drink(15)

Drink,
Drink a beer,
Belch out loud,
Belch out clear,
Drink of good times, we run,
Drink of plenty, not one.....
Drink,
Drink the brew,
Down it quickly, this beer we give to you,
Don't worry that it's not good enough,
For anyone else to down,
Just drink,
Drink the beer.....
Burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, etc.......

    15.    Sung to the tune of Sing!

Is it in Yet?

I tore off my pants, I was ready to burst
I had to stick it in,
She was big and I was small,
But size doesn't make a man.
I pushed in and out, thought I'd make her shout
I knew I'd make her cum
And that's when I heard those hurtful words

    Is it in yet?
    Is it in yet?

I was feeling low from that awful blow
But I would try again
I rubbed it all day, and I hoped and prayed
That it would grow some more.
I looked at my dick, this time it would do the trick,
I mounted her and stuck it in
And again I heard those hurtful words

    chorus

My penis is short
As short as this song
And that's why she asks

Lulu(16)

    Gang, Bang, Lulu,
    Lulu's gone away,
    Who we gonna' gang bang now
    When Lulu's gone away.

Some girls work in factories,
Some girls work in stores,
But Lulu works in a honky tonk
With forty other..........

chorus

Lulu had a baby,
It was an awful shock
She couldn't call it Lulu,
'Cause the bastard had a .........

I took her to the pictures,
We sat down in the stalls,
And every time the lights went out,
She'd grab me by the ...........

Lulu and I went fishing,
In a dainty punt,
And every time she caught a sprat,
She'd stuff up her........

I wish I were the silver ring,
On Lulu's dainty hand
Then every time she scratches her arse,
I'd see the promised .........

I wish I were the chamber pot,
Under Lulu's bed,
Then every time she took a piss,
I'd see her maiden ..........

Lulu had two boy-friends,
Both were very rich
One was the son of a banker,
The other a son-of-a......

Lulu had a boy-friend,
His name was Tommy Tucker,
He took her down the alley,
To see if he could ......

Lulu had a boy-friend,
A funny little chap
Every time they had a bit,
She got a dose of the...

Lulu was a pretty girl,
She had a lot of class,
Mini-skirts she'd wear a lot,
To let her show her.......

Lulu had a boy-friend,
He was very fit,
Working all day on the farm,
His job was shoveling......

Lulu and a boy-friend,
A stunted little runt,
One day they went to have a bit,
And he vanished up her.....

Lulu had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket,
Every time the lamb jumped out,
The bulldog used to......

Lulu and I went walking,
We walked along the grass,
She slipped on a banana peel,
And fell down on her.....

Lulu made some porridge,
It was very thick,
Lulu wouldn't eat it,
But she'd smear it on my......

Lulu had a bicycle,
The seat was very blunt,
Every time she jumps on it
It sticks her in her.....

Lulu had a bicycle,
The seat was very sharp,
Every time she sat on it
It would slip right up her....

Lulu had a boyfriend,
His name was Diamond Dick,
She never saw his diamond,
But she always saw his....

Lulu had a boyfriend,
His name was Michael Hunt,
She like him above the rest,
Because he'd eat her...

Lulu met a fisherman,
Fishing for some bass,
Instead of catching fish that day,
He got a piece of...

Lulu met a scrum half,
Sat down in his lap,
Lulu got the scrum half,
The scrum half got the...

Lulu had a turtle,
And Lulu had a duck.
She put them in the bathtub,
To see if they would...

Lulu had a vanity chair,
It was made of glass,
Every time she sat on it,
You could see her...

Lulu had a boyfriend,
His name was Billy Batch,
But Lulu had to break it off,
When it got stuck in her....

A rich girl has a bra,
A poor girl uses string,
But Lulu uses neither,
She lets the buggers...

A rich girl has a ring of gold,
A poor girl one of brass,
The only ring that Lulu has,
Is the one around her...

A rich girl uses Vaseline,
A poor girl uses lard,
Lulu uses axle grease,
Because her cunt's so...

A rich girl uses Kotex,
A poor girl a sheet,
Lulu uses nothing at all,
It dribbles in the...

Lulu had a job,
But then she had to quit,
'Cause every time she turned around,
The boss would grab her...

Lulu met the Penguins,
She liked the way they played,
The Penguins liked Lulu,
They liked the way she...

    16.    Sing to the tune of Good Night Ladies.

North Atlantic Squadron

When we arrived in Montreal,
She spread her legs from wall to wall.
She took the Captain balls and all,
In the North Atlantic Squadron
.
    Away, away with fife and drum,
    Here we come, full of rum.
    Looking for women to paddle their bum,
    In the North Atlantic Squadron.

A-sailing up and down the coast,
Now, here's the thing we love the most:
To fuck the women and drink a toast
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

    chorus

Well, off the coast of Labrador,
We took on board a floating whore,
We fucked here forty times or more,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

A-sailing up to Newfoundland,
Each sailor had his prick in his hand.
Oh say, my boys, can you make it stand?
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

And when our ship went to drydock,
The whores around us all did flock.
It's every man unfurl his cock,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The ship's dogs his name was Rover,
The whole crew did him over,
We ground and ground that faithful hound,
From Singapore to Dover.

The Captain's wife her name was Mabel,
WheNever she was able,
She gave the crew their daily screw,
Upon the galley table.

The Captain's wife was baptized Charlotte,
She was born and bred a harlot
Her legs at night were lily-white,
But in the morning they were scarlet

The cabin boy his name was Kipper,
A cunning little nipper.
He lined his ass with broken glass,
And circumcised the skipper.

And the ladies of the nation,
Arose in indignation,
They stuffed their bums with chewing gum,
A smart retaliation.

The First Mate his name was Hopper,
By Christ he had a whopper.
Twice round his neck once round the deck,
And up his ass for a stopper.

The Second Mate his name was Carter,
By God be was a farter.
If the wind wouldn't blow, and the ship wouldn't go
Carter he could start her.

The Third Mate his name was Wiggun,
By God he had a big 'un.
We bashed that cock upon the rocks,
For cumming in the riggin'.

The Fourth Mate his name was Morgan,
A homosexual Gorgon.
A dozen crows, in a row,
Could pose upon his organ.

The Fifth Mate his name was Slater,
He was a masturbator.
He'd pump and pump his massive stump,
And clean the mess up later.

The Sixth Mate his name was Andy,
By God that man was randy.
We boiled his bum in red-hot rum,
For cumming in the brandy.

The Seventh Mate his name was Lester,
He was a hymen tester.
Through hymen thick, he'd shove his prick,
And leave it there to fester.

The cook, whose name was Freeman,
He was a dirty demon,
He served the crew with menstrual stew,
And foreskins fried in semen.

Another cook his name was O'Malley,
He didn't dilly-dally.
He shot his bolt with a hell of a jolt,
And whitewashed half the galley.

Another cook his name was Herbert,
A gastronomical pervert.
He puts it in through thick and thin,
And whacks off in the sherbet.

Then there was the Navigator,
He was a fornicator.
The horny sod he took a broad,
And after he fucked her, her ate her.

The Captain of this lugger,
By Christ he is a bugger.
He isn't fit to shovel shit
From one ship to another.

The Captain's randy daughter,
She fell into the water.
Delighted squeals revealed that eels,
Had found her sexual quarters.

'Twas on the China Station,
To roars of approbation.
We sunk a Junk with a load of spunk
By mutual masturbation.

The Captain was elated,
The crew investigated.
They found some sand in his prostate gland,
And he had to be castrated.

'Twas in the Adriatic,
Where the water's almost static.
The rise and fall of ass and ball,
Was almost automatic.

The ship's cat's name was Smitty,
And though its ass was mighty shitty.
But shit or not, it had a twat,
The Captain showed no pity.

The crew they were all whiney,
They'd drink up all their winey.
From bed to bed, they looked for head,
But settled for some hiney.

So now we end this serial,
Through sheer lack of material.
We wish you scum freedom from,
All diseases venereal.

The S & M Man

    The S&M man,
    The S&M man,
    The S&M man because he mixes it with love,
    And makes the hurtin' feel good.
    The hurtin' feel good.

Who can take a hammer,
Shove it up her twat,
Move it back and forth,
Til he finds her G-spot,

    chorus

Who can take a hammer,
Wave it overhead,
And slam it on his pecker,
Til he wishes he were dead?

... a bicycle,
Rip off the seat,
Put his sister on it,
And push her down a bumpy street?

... some sandpaper,
Gotta be 50 grit,
Rub it back and forth,
Til she has a bleeding clit?

... an old wood saw,
Rusty, but still cuts,
Saw it back and forth,
Til he cuts off both his nuts?

... his pecker,
Slam it in a door,
Slam it back and forth,
Til he can't pee anymore?

... a chainsaw,
Rev it up on high,
Shove it up her arse,
Just to hear her scream and sigh?

... a razor,
And no shaving cream,
Scrape her pussy bald,
While he listens to her scream?

... a sander,
Make sure it's Black and Decker,
Rub it up and down,
Until you've got a bleeding pecker?

... a mallet,
Claim that he's a stud,
Smash it on his pecker,
Till it starts to ooze blood?

... a young girl,
Turn the lights down low,
Flip on the video camera,
And make like he's Rob Lowe?

... machinery,
To masturbate at work,
Rip off his left testis,
And pretend it didn't hurt?

... some fiberglass,
Wrap it round his pud,
Shove it up her arse,
Til she's shitting chunks of blood?

... a light bulb,
Shove it up her ass,
Fuck her up the rear,
Til she's shitting chunks of glass?

... just two bricks,
Take one in each hand,
Bang them on his balls,
Like the cymbals in the band?

... wears pants with zippers,
And no underwear,
Then pulls them up and down,
And rips out his pubic hair?

... their scrotum,
Stick it with a pin,
Hang on a bunch of weights,
Till it drags down to your shins?

... a chainsaw,
Cut the bitch in two,
Fuck the bottom half,
And toss the other half to you?

... their penis,
Feed it to a whore,
Then slam it in a door,
So you can't fuck no more?

... a condom,
Put pepper in the ring,
Use it on the wife,
'Cause she twitches when it stings?

... their penis,
Tie it in a knot,
Tighter yet tighter,
Until the fucker rots?

... two ice picks,
Stick them in her ears,
And ride her like a Harley,
While he fucks her up the rear?

... some jumper cables,
Hook them to her tits,
Start up the car,
And electrocute the bitch?

... his kiddies,
Out to a picnic binge,
Put them on the fire,
And watch the fuckers singe?

... put a kid's hand,
In a socket on the wall?
It's nice when they jerk,
Up against his balls?

... give children candy,
Takes them round the block,
And rips up their innards,
With the ramming of his cock?

... a chainsaw,
Stick it up her hole,
Turn it round & round,
And make tuna casserole?

... some clothes pegs,
Hang his girlfriend by her nipples,
Leave the bitch just hanging,
Til her tits are nearly tripled?

... a Doberman,
Let him do a show,
Let him fuck his girlfriend,
While making a video?

... a hair curler,
Turn it up on high,
Stick it in her cunt,
And listen to her fry?

... some newlyweds,
Sneak into their room,
Fuck the bride in bed,
And sodomize the groom?

... a glass rod,
Shove it up his prick,
Put it on the table,
And smash it with a brick?

... a baby,
Throw it on a pile,
And fuck it up the ass,
Sish-ka-boby style?

... the Pope,
Lean him over the pew,
Fuck him up the ass,
'Till he admits he was a Jew?

... a vagina,
Suck out all the yeast,
Spit it into some dough,
And serve bread at the feast?

... a puppy,
Hold it by the ears,
Fuck it in the ass,
Until it sheds those puppy tears?

... a vice clamp.
Clamp it on a tit
Squeeze the sucker down
Till it pops just like a zit?

... a transvestite
Rip out one of his eyes
Skull fuck the bastard
While he listens to the cries?

... a Coke bottle
Shove it up her ass
Kidney punch the bitch
Until she's shitting blood and glass

... a cheese grater
Strap it to his arm
Fist fuck the bitch
And make vaginal Parmesan?

... a baby,
Lay it on a bed,
Turn the bugger over,
Fuck the soft spot in its head?

... a pregnant lady,
Fuck her til she's dead,
Leave his dick inside her,
While the fetus gives him head?

Who can go to the abortion clinic,
Sneak around the back,
Root around the dumpster,
And find a tasty snack?

... a little girl,
Before she's on the rag,
Fuck her till she's dead,
And then toss her in a bag?

... their scrotum,
Stick it with a pin,
Hang on a bunch of weights,
Till it drags down to their shins?

When the End of the Month Rolls Around

You can tell by the stain that she's in a lot of pain
When the end of the month rolls around.
You can tell by her stance she's got cotton in her pants
When the end of the month rolls around.

    For it's hi, hi, ho, in the tampon factory,
    Shout out your sizes loud and strong:
    Junior, Regular, Super-Duper, Bale of Hay!
    For whereever you will go, you always know
    When the end of the month rolls around.

You can tell by her walk that you'll sit around and talk...
You can tell by the blotch that she's got a leaky crotch...

    chorus

You can tell by her eyes there is blood between her thighs...
You can tell by her pout that her eggs are falling out...

You can tell by her stance that she's bleeding in her pants...
You can tell that it itches by the way she always bitches...

You can bet it ain't sweat when her underwear is wet...
You can tell by the stink that she isn't in the pink...

Will You Marry Me(17)

If I give you half a crown,
Can I take your knickers down,
Will you marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,
Will you marry me?

    If you give me half a crown,
    You can't take my knickers down,
    You can't marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,
    You can't marry me.

If I give you fish and chips,
Will you let me squeeze your tits,

If I gargle with Lavoris,
Can I suck on your clitoris,

If I give you half a note,
Can I shove it down your throat,

If I give you a pound of grass,
Can I shove it up your ass,

If I give you half a quid,
Will you suck on my big squid,

If I give you a whole crown,
Will you blow me till you drown,

If I give you silk and lace,
Can I spray it in your face,

If I give you a big chest,
And all the money I possess,

    If you give me a big chest,
    And all the money you possess,
    I will marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,
    I will marry you.

Get out of the door, you lousy whore,
My money was all you were looking for,
I'll not marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,
I'll not marry you.

    17.    Group reply sung in high nasal voice to simulate women.

Roll Me Over in the Clover

Well, this is number one,
And the fun has just begun,
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

    Roll me over in the clover,
    Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

Well, this is number two,
And my hand is on her shoe
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

    chorus

Well, this is number three,
And my hand is on her knee...

Well, this is number four,
And we're grinding on the floor...

Well, this is number five,
And I'm ready for a muff dive...

Well, this is number six,
And she said she liked my tricks...

Well, this is number seven,
And we're in fucking heaven...

Well, this is number eight,
And the nurse is at the gate...

Well, this is number nine,
And the twins are doing fine...

Well, this is number ten,
And we're at it once again...

Well, this is number eleven,
And we start again from seven...

Well, this is number twelve,
And she said "You can fuck yourself"...

Well, this is number twenty,
And she said that was plenty...

Well, this is number thirty,
And she said that was dirty...

Well, this is number forty,
And she said "Now that was naughty"...

Rodriguez, the Mexican Pervert

    Eii-yii-yii-yii
    Rodriguez, the Mexican pervert,
    He'll eat out your mother
    and cornhole your brother
    and waltz you around by your willie

I once was the King of Siam
Who for women just didn't give a damn
But my pride and my joy
Was a round bottomed boy
They say I'm a bugger and I am!

    chorus

There once was a rugger McNally
Who called on his team for a rally
For each try that we score
I'll eat out a whore
Chose Mary or Susie or Sally.

There once were three nuns from Birmingham
And this is the story concerning them
They lifted the frock
And they diddled the cock
Of the Bishop as he was confirming them.

But the bishop was nobodies fool
He'd been to a large public school
He dropped his britches
And he diddled those bitches
With a twelve inch Episcopal tool

There once was a Bishop from Birmingham
Who buggered 3 maids while confirming them
While praying to God
He excited his rod
And pumped his Episcopal sperm in them

There once a man from Boston
Who drove a bright red Austin
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em

There once was a girl named Alice
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And parts of her tits in Dallas

There once was a man from Kent
Whose dick was so long that it bent
To save him the trouble
He stuck it in double
So instead of coming, he went

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it.

There once was a girl from Anheiser
Who claimed that no man could surprise her
But Pabst by chance
Found a Schlitz in her pants
And now she's sadder but wiser

I once knew a fellow named Urchin
Who was constantly jerkin his gerkin
His mother said Urchin
Quit jerkin your gerkin
Some day you'll need it for ferkin.

There once was a maid from Pneumo
Who in sexual feeling was low
She bought a dill pickle
Her pussy to tickle
She now has a kosher dildo.

There once was a man from Devises
Whose balls were of two different sizes
One was so small
It was nothing at all
But the other was big and won prizes.

There once was a man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
She was shriveled and shrunk
And God how she stunk
But think of the money he saved.

Down in the city of booze
The Irish the Dutch and the Jews
Would all congregate
Round the old brewery gate
To discuss their political views

They'd lie on their barrels and snooze
And dream of their women and booze
Ten gallons per man
Was the alcohol span
Down in the city of Booze

There once was a man named Rock
Who played the string bass with his cock
He played such legato
And also spicatto
That he broke all the straps to his jock.

There once was a man from Sydney
Who could put it up to her kidneys
But a man from Quebec
Could put it up to her neck
Oh, but he had a big one, didn't he?

There once was a man from Rangoon
Who was born nine months too soon
He didn't have the luck
To be born by a fuck
For he was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.

There once was a man from Eilling
Who pounded his meat with great feeling
Then like a trout
He'd stick his mouth out
And wait for the drops from the ceiling.

There once was a man named Schwartz
Whose dick was all covered with warts
But the girls didn't care
About the warts that were there
'Cause Schwartz used to cum in quarts

There once was a girl from Decatur
Who was laid by a big alligator
But nobody knew
The result of that screw
For after he laid her he ate her.

There once was a lady from Cape Cod
Who thought all babies came from God
But it wasn't the almighty
Who laid it inside her
It was Roger the Dodger by God.

A Few Of My Favourite Things(18)

Harriers:

Middle and Pinky and Index and Ring,
Throw in the thumb and you've got the whole thing,
It works just fine and it's also quite safe,
These are a few of my favourite things.

    When the dawn breaks,
    When I wake up,
    And it's feeling hard,
    I simply remember my favourite things,
    And that's when it feels so good.

Penthouse and Playboy and something called Forum,
They're what I use to help start something going,
Centerfolds spread-eagled showing me pink,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When I'm lonely,
Really lonely,
By myself again,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And that's when it feels so good.

Harriettes:

Dildos and vibrators and vaseline jelly,
That's what I use to set fires in my belly,
In and out up and down making me wet,
These are a few of my favourite things.

    Men are useless,
    I don't need them,
    I'm the best I've had,
    I simply remember my favourite things,
    And that's when it feels so good.

Tight buns, silk undies, and erotic books,
Make me excited I'm starting to cook,
I stir me up and the honey will come,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When I'm thinking,
Of a hard cock,
But I don't see one,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And that's when it feels so good.
 

    18.    Sung to the tune of A Few of My Favourite Things.

Nick-Nack Paddy-Wack(19)

This old man, he fucked one,
Don't you know he had so much fun...
With a nick-nack paddy-wack
He fucked his dog alone.
Fucked his dog and made him moan.
This old man, he fucked two,
A baby rabbit and a kangaroo...

This old man, he fucked three,
Put up mirrors so he could see...

This old man, he fucked four,
Three wasn't enough so he bought a whore...

This old man, he fucked five,
Two were dead and three alive...

This old man, he fucked six,
Had his sister turning tricks...

This old man, he fucked seven,
The youngest one was just eleven...

This old man, he fucked eight,
One sucked him raw and it felt great...

This old man, he fucked nine,
God this orgy is just divine...

This old man, he fucked ten,
All he could say was, "Do it again"...

This old man, he fucked eleven,
Died of V.D. and went to heaven...

With a nick-nack paddy-wack,
Now his dog's alone,
No one left to make him moan.

    19.    Sung to the tune of This Old Man.

Gang Bang

I love a gang bang, Oh yes I do,
'Cause a gang bang makes me feel so good.
When I was younger, and in my prime,
I use to gang bang all the ti-i-ime.
But now I'm older, and turning gray,
I only gang bang twice a da-a-ay.
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Ida
Ida, who
Ida want another gang bang

Ranger,
Arranger for best entry at the gang bang

Oliver,
All of her clothes were off at the gang bang

Peter Meter,
My peter'll meet her a the gang bang

Ben
Ben-d over and have another gang bang

Dolly Parton
Dolly's partin' her thighs at the gang bang

Turner
Turn 'er over, let's have another gang bang

Bob
Bob down and let's have another gang bang

Yurin
Yurin for sloppy seconds at the gang bang

Sam and Janet,
Sam and Janet evening we'll have a gang bang

Tiajuana
Tiajuana bring your mother to the gang bang

Kissinger
Kissinger great, but fuckin her's better at the...

Betty
Bet he'll have a sore dick after the...

Orange
Aren't you glad your at the gang bang?...

Aspen
I spend too much time at the ...

Europa
You rope her to the bed post for the...

Alexander
I licks under her ass at the...

Irish
I wish we were at the gang bang....

Virginia
Virgins are welcome at the gang bang...

Shelby
She'll be sore after the gang bang...

Anita
I need a little rest before the...

Dairy
Dare we invite_____to the gang bang?....

Mountain grown
Mount and groan, mount and groan at...

Police
PPPPPlease take me to the gang bang...

Charlotte
Sure lot of fucking at the gang bang....

Platypus
Plenty O puss at the gang bang...

Howard
How were the tits at the.....

Martha
More the merrier at the gang bang...

Theodore
The O door was locked at the gang bang...

Extinct
It stinked like fish at the gang bang...

Maybell
Maybe she'll do us all the gang bang...

Chester
Chests'll be everywhere at the...

Ilene
I leaned her over the couch at the...

Sharon
Share and share alike at the gang bang...

Heada
Had a lot of sex at the gang bang....

Bender
Bend her over the counter at the..

Mason Dixon
My son's dick's in the girl at...

Shirley
Surely you got laid at the gang bang....

Ima
I'm a glad we had this gang bang......

Eisenhower
I's an hour late for the gang bang

Witchy
Whichy one you gona fuck at the...

Gladiator
Glad he ate her out before the gang bang...

Adolph
I ate off the bed at the gang bang..

Dixie
My dicks erect at the gang bang...

Satellite
Sat alot on her face at the...

Eaton
She'll be ";eat'n"; everybody at the...

Kenya
Can ya give me directions to the..

Pasteur
Passed her over me twice at the...

Abbott
I bet you won't be alone at the...

Comrade
Come right on over to the gang bang....

Mikey
I lost my keys to the handcuffs at the gang bang...

M.R.
M.R. some nice tits...

Banana
Banana na na na na na....

Orange
Orange you glad I didn't say banana na na...

Charlie Pryde
Charlie pried her legs apart at the...

Lena
Lena up against the door and we'll...