Rugby Humour

Note that the word "humour" is a term that is used loosely in reference with some of the following:

The Club President, Coach, Prop & Wing are taking a charter flight to the National Finals when the engines cut out. The pilot enters the passenger compartment and says, "We're going down. There's only four parachutes! Since I'm the pilot I'm taking one" and then jumps from the plane.

The Coach says, "Without me the team won't have a chance, so I'm taking one" and he jumps out.

The Winger says, "I'm the fastest & the smartest man on the field and without me the team can't win a game, so I'm taking one" and he jumps out of the plane.

The President looks at the Prop and says, "You take the last parachute. The team needs you more than it needs me".

The Prop responds, "We both can take a parachute. The smartest man on the field just jumped out of the plane with my kit bag on his back".

IRB Rugby World Cup 2003

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being motivated by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following displays:

• The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now.
  

• The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.
  

• The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
  

• Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representatives from the RSPCA.
  

• Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the Stewards.
  

• Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
  

• The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.
  

• Five of the Canadian team will sing" La Marsaillaise" and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
  

• The Italian team will arrive in red penis-substituting cars, sexually harass the female Stewards and then run away.
  

• The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas".  They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.
  

• The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground with a subsidy from the UK Government).
  

• The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad.  They will then park lorries across the half-way line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of Wales!) and burn the officials.
  

• The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK.  They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.
  
  

Rugby Positions

It is very dificult for the casual observer to determine what rugby positions mean. Here is a complete, unbiased look at the different positions:

The Pack

Eight handsome burly guys whom you'll gladly give your beer and food to, and you'd want to marry your daughter. They are intelligent, elegant, sensitive, and sweet. Truly the ideal men.

The Backs

Seven guys who will steal your beer while you're not looking, take advantage of your women folk, barnyard animals, and all tubular household objects. Often dine on quiche, brie cheese and wine. Been known to understand the rule of the ESPN Extreme games' rules. Regularly take blow dryers on road trips, wear bikini underpants, and carry STDs (AVOID AT ALL COSTS).

Prop

Short but stout, these strapping men support the hooker, but no money ever changes hands and the act is never specificaly named.

Hooker

Often identified by a balding spot atop the head, these vertically challenged but talented men stand between the two props, and secures the ball for his team during scrummages.

Second Row

These tall powerful men are the driving engines not only the scrum, but of the entire game. They can be found working their magic from deep in the scrum, behind the front row, or lofting high above the line outs pulling balls from the air.

The Back Row

Usually the most handsome and intelligent, these three men of strength are often considered the renaissance men of the rugby field. They not only control the ball, but the entire pitch. Remember, the back row defines the whole team's style of play.

Scrumhalf

The point guard of the rugby team the scrumhalf distributes the ball, runs hits, and kicks. Scrumhalf is only half as handsome and burly as the pack members

Flyhalf

The first of those back guys, and the first of the offensive chain. Often confused with an insect, may be referred to as the man with "the foot."

Centers

Another pair of those back guys. Either power runner, or annoying scampering guy usually found in the opposite order, but whose main purpose is to get the ball to ...

Wings

Ideally the fastest men on the team. Their job is to "score with the ball", but they often confuse it with "get tackled with the ball." Also an excellent snack when smothered in hot sauce and deep fried.

Fullback

The last line of defense. A back even the pack can appreciate, often viewed as a back row in the larval stage.