This article will address;
How the familiar difficulties in relationships are a re-creation of the significant relationships of our childhood.
How we may be trying to change the past not the present.
4 steps to resolving our past in relationships.
The sense of familiarity in relationships.
Who we are attracted to is no accident. How often do you find yourself in the same type of relationship no matter how often you have told yourself it is not going to happen again? Is it just that we naturally gravitate towards what is familiar ?
It is more than the comfort of familiarity that compels us towards people that we end up in difficult and destructive dynamics with - after all there is nothing comforting about feeling hurt and abandoned, but it may feel very familiar. This feeling of familiarity may suggest that what is happening now may be a result of re-creating something that has occurred in the past. Why, then, do we move towards a situation where we keep re-creating familiar pain ?
The answer often lies in the attempt to undo a past tragedy. In order to change a past relationship we may be re-creating it in the present, this is where that sense of familiarity comes in. Most of the difficulties in relationships seem to boil down to trying to change the person we are involved with. The desire to change the other person may be a result of not getting something in the relationship. Often what we are not getting is the same thing we continually did not get in our childhood. In this way, we may be trying to change the past through the present relationship.
Examples of this process.
One way to undo our past is through avoiding something that is familiar. For example, if our childhood was full of conflict we may have dealt with that by leaving the situation. This response to conflict may become habitual, and we find ourselves leaving relationships at the first sign of conflict. By avoiding conflict, however, we are on some level saying we do not want the conflict to exist. Our efforts to keep trying to find a conflict-free relationship may be related to our past experience, and our attempt to change it. Unfortunately, this pattern re-creates our past because conflict is part of life, and secondly because we may be attracted to people who are unable to deal with conflict effectively.
Not all situations that are difficult are a re-creation of our past. What may be important is the familiar dynamics and behavior we are stuck in that keep causing us grief or dissatisfaction. When we find ourselves saying 'this' always happens, I know they are going to ' let me down',' hurt me', 'leave me', 'not accept me' etc, these are clues to what we may be trying to undo. These beliefs can then re-create the behaviors we have employed in the past to try and prevent it from happening again - so attempting to change the past. For example; if we made excuses for our parents behavior and inability to give us what we needed, this may have been an attempt to survive the situation and also an attempt to change the reality of our experience. In later relationships we may find we make excuses for people close to us who hurt us. When we make excuses for people's behavior we may be creating a fantasy of who the person is rather than facing the consequences of their behavior. It is through this fantasy we may be attempting to change the past. In other words if I think something is a certain way then it is not the way it actually was.
It seems we are often compelled by some invisible force towards falling into the same black hole we have been in before. It seems that the reason for this may lie in the explanation that we would not be able to attempt to change the past if we fell for someone who was unlike our parents. It may not always be clear how the people we are close to represent our family members. The important thing is what issue we are focused on that causes us distress, and how that may relate to the past we are trying to undo in our life.
How to move away from our past in realtionships.
In reality relationships are complex and full of risk. To open ourselves up to another is opening ourselves to the potential to be hurt. As nobody is perfect, they can and will let us down, and relationships are not for ever even if they end by death. Dealing with our past in relationships is not going to prevent these things from occurring but can enable us to live with these possibilities more easily, and increase our potential for deeper fulfilling relationships in the present. So how do we do this?
Firstly, we have to recognize that our difficulties in relationships are largely a result of our own experience and issues. This is not easy. It is much easier to point the finger at the other person and we can have what appears to be very legitimate reasons to point the finger. When we are in this place of hurt and disappointment it may seem impossible to say, "ok, what do I keep doing to get into this place."
Secondly, once we recognize that it is our own issues the next task is to become conscious of what we keep trying to change and how this relates to the past. Because we may have been unconscious of these dynamics for a long time this again may be difficult. However, just changing our perspective and asking ourselves different questions we can begin to unlock those connections. Also, getting help from a counselor can of course help to make those connections.
Thirdly, once the connections to the past have begun to be made we have to acknowledge the original tragedy. This is extremely difficult because we have to really begin to let go of the hope that it could have been different from how it was. This is not just a matter of saying intellectually that we acknowledge it but to become aware of this on an emotional level.
Fourth, as we experience the pain of how it was we often become aware of the losses we have suffered and they must be grieved for. In order to let go of our past the most important step is grief. Grief is a process of letting go and accepting how things were and are in life. It takes courage to enter into these dark recesses of our psyche, maybe this is why we prefer to stay in the painful dynamics of trying to change the past rather than fully feeling the reality.
Some final points
Even though this process is primarily an individual one it is important to share what is going on with those people close to us. When we are in a sexually intimate relationship with someone it can potentially create more closeness and intimacy, and it gives both people the opportunity to learn about how we are trying to undo the past. In addition, the process of grief often involves letting go of all control, and it is important that we do this in the presence of another who can look out for us while we do that. However, it is not safe to embark on this process in relationships where there is physical abusive, or where the other person is clearly not available.
If you are in a relationship where you recognize these patterns it does not mean that your relationship is a disaster. You are doing exactly what you needed to do. It is an opportunity to deal with your past, now it is time to address it in a conscious manner for yourself, and free yourself to be in your relationship in a way that works for you.
