Dog Daze Issue
August 1994. No. 5
Bone Fest ... The International Year of the Familiar
Everybody loves a parade and Bone Fest '94 did not disappoint us. We were there in our hundreds.People from the far reaches of Hood Point, Tunstall Bay, Blue Water and Deep Bay turned out to participate and watch Bowen's annual celebration. This year's theme was The International Year of the Familiar.
Children of all ages were there to watch and listen to the familiar sights and sounds that are uniquely Bone. Gone were the Politicos and the Drag cars, leaving us Boners with the serene and comfortable joy of reflection and introspection that is so much a part of Island life.
Leading the parade was the familiar Pie-eyed Piper of Bone, Rob McBragart. Followed by the majority of Bone residents...the minors. (What do we do in those long dark winter months? Don't we pay our TV cable bills?) Then came the floats. Entered by all the commercial businesses and different districts from around the island. What was reassuring to us all was the familiarity of each entry. What we missed last year, we knew we would see this year. Even the first time float entered by Bone Live Radio (94.7 on your A.M. dial), followed by a herd of black labs, caninely kept to the theme on the International Year of Familiar. There was Hammer Ed, there was Rick Randall with Dog of the Year, Cowboy, riding in an illustrious black lab float. It gave us all a warm fuzzy feeling.
And on the main stage was the familiar Rob Thompson and his bands, followed by Sharing Allrich, who also played last year. The ever familiarFireman's Beer tent, straight from the ever popular Dog Dance, provided the stimulus for dancing and enjoyment.All in all, a wonderfully familiar and enjoyable day. Thanks for the memories. May they be the same in '95.
QUEBEC SEPARATION WILL AFFECT BOWEN ISLAND
If Lucky Bouchard and Jackie Parizeau fulfill their quest for Quebec separation, the consequences will be felt all the way to Bowen Island.
"La Belle Provence" has disputed the sovereignty of the region known as Labrador since 1774. The Labrador boundary dispute continues into the present day with the fact that Quebec has still notacknowledged that border, even after Newfoundland's admission into Confederation in 1949.
If Quebec separates, the region known as Labrador could become a bone of contention between 'Les Chiens Pequistes" and the Newfies. If Quebec miraculously wins thisdogfight then "Labrador" would revert to its French name "NouveauQuebec", and all black labrador dogs on the island will henceforth be legally referred to as'New Black Quebeckers'. BIBLOA, the Bowen Island Black Lab Owners Association,will become Le Societe de Posseusseurs de les Chiens Noir Nouveaux Quebec de l'Ile Bowen, or the LSPDLCNNQIB, which is, frankly, a pretty bulky acronymn.
Furthermore, all ex-patriot Quebecers now residing on this island, including all Habs fans, will probably elect to move back if their country separates.
HOME INSPECTORS REPORT
The residency figures for the month of July have just been released. During that month there were 2 marriage licences drawn up, 11co-habitation agreements, 27 divorces and annulments, and 3 renovation orders. As well, 26 relationships werered-tagged for infractions of the moral code.
From our files 4 years today tomorrow.
SVEND SPILLS THE BEANS
(Aug. 1998) by Special Reporter 'Sleeve-Head'
In a press conference today, MP Svend Robinson announced his intention to assist 20-year-oldBazjinder Singh in evading immigration department officials who are seeking to deport her. Singh, a professional organ donor from India, has been in hiding since last Friday while a special appeal is being heard by the Supreme Court.
Her lawyers are arguing that since she currently has one eye, several skin grafts, 27 pints of blood, six teeth and a kidney living in various parts of the country, she is well on her way to becoming an (almost) complete Canadian citizen. While there has been no official response from the Department of Immigration, Minister ofTransplants, Ted Wait, is on record as saying he finds the whole affair to be " in extremely bad taste.It's disconcerting to be forced to deal with the issue on a piecemeal basis as opposed to dealing with the issue as a whole. Special interest organ group organizations tend to obscure the issue. Diversity is one thing, perversityanother."
BIBLOA LOCKED OUT OF DOG DAZE
BIBLOA (the Bowen Island Black Lab Owners Association) was banned from participation in the recent Dog Daze event on Bone Island. The CKC (Canadian Kennel Club) claimed that in light of the recent lab riots in Snug Cove, public security could not be guaranteed if the labs were present.
BIBLOA president, Honeyman Hood, was livid. "That lawn is our turf. Any dog can smell that. They can't kick us out; we'lldogcott it!"
And without the official sanction of the owners association, the BLABLABLA (Black Labs Association) is now threatening strike action. "The dogs aregetting unruly," H.Hood continued. "They aren't sitting, they refuse to fetch sticks, and they keep running loose. Simply put, any lab in public right now is a lab looking for trouble."
He went on with his criticism of the Dog Daze event. "The urine testing postisn't fair. Unless the judges get right down and smell with their own noses, nothing can really be proven."
"Not only that, but from what I can see, that Dog of the Year is fixed."
RHINO TRAMPLES DEMOCRACY
The High Tide investigative reporting team has uncovered certain factsabout the recent Islands Trust decision to replace the democratically elected APC(Advisory Planning Commission) with an appointed lackey yes team. For those new emigres who may as yet be unaware of the political landscape of this fair isle we feel it is our duty to inform the public of some of the historicalramifications of this change.
The most startling news is that a Mr. Alfred the Alien (a.k.a. Peter Frinton) is one of the new appointees. The Bowen electorate may be interested in knowing Mr. Alien was a member of the now extinct Rhinoceros party, and once even served as its president for a brief but dizzying spell. He ran in the 1988 federal election, losing by a slim margin to Mary Collins of the Progressive Conservatives(another political party now on the endangered species list). In the breakdown of voting provided by Elections Canada it was found that of the 200 or so votes cast for the Rhino party in the Capilano-Howe Sound electoral area, 21 of these came from Bowen Island.
Was the solid footing of these 21 votes what made Mr. Alien so eminently suited for appointment to the APC?
"Certainly", snorted Mr. Alien when contacted by the High Tide. "The Rhino party was the only federal party whose firstobligation was to party. Sure I only got 21 votes, but when we had our celebration after that election there were at least 70 people inattendance. I attribute that to a lot of hidden support."
And what kind of vision can an ex-Rhino bring to Bowen Island politics?
"A Rhino's vision is a clear, far-seeing myopic one,' A. Alienreplied. "With the impending Gulf Island War on the horizon, and OperationDesertification Storm looming, the political landscape is changing here. A Rhino doesn'twant to see the forest or the trees. What we need is savannahfication to create a much healthier environment."
The High Tide suggests the public should keep an eye on the lumbering maneuvers of this horny political veteran at upcoming APC meetings.
PHISH FAX
Salmon Rusty, the organizer of the Bowen Island Salmon Derby, reported some startlingresults from this year's competition. "No salmon were caught!", helamented. "Either there aren't any left or they are all in hiding from the government fishwars. So wehad to open it up a bit and consider all catches."
The bulk of the catches were Labfish. "They look like those dogfish sharks, only their ears are longer. And some pretty fat ones were snagged. The best technique seemed to be pooching with bonemeal muffins asbait."
This years winner was Rocky Bibloa, the 'fishin musician', who landed a 947 pound Atlantic cod off the sewage outfall. Was he surprised?"Nah," Rocky retorted, "They keep saying those fish stocks are depleted, but we allknow those damn easterners just keep migrating out west. The real hook was landing the thing though. After the net loss I was worried about its welfare. I had to coax it up the ferry ramp with a promise of a better quality of life. After that it was easy. I just clubbed it to death."
THE HIGH TIDE INDEX
Amount of untaxable monthly income earned by Bowen Island waiters as tips $9,470.00
Monthly government revenue from the pull-tab lottery machines in Bowen Island bars $9,470.00
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
In addition to the usual flood of rude and congratulatory letters, we are also receiving 'e-mail' now that the High Tide is on computerInternet. An open file on the Bowen Computer Bulletin Board encourages comments and response from nerdy computer types.
The following is a hard copy reprint of an Internet dialogue between the High Tide and a Mr.G.Ritchie of Deep Bay.
To the 'Editor',
Your last 'edition' - and I use the word 'edit' advisedly - carried a scurrilous 'article' - and I use the word'art' advisedly - containing snide references to 'follicly challenged members of the malepopulation' in the cast of TOTI's production of Robin Hood. I am shocked, appalled, and outraged by this casual dismissal of a key sector of Bowen's artistic community.
I had been under the impression that the board of directors of your'publication' - and I use the word 'pub' without reservation - represented areasonable cross-section of the liberal-humanist, tree-embracing, canine-loving, coffee house habituees that I and my family and black lab have found so quaint and endearing during our stay on Bowen Island. I was beguiled into assuming you were part of that Bowen crowd who were at one with nature, who held drumming sessions at night and sacrificedpreviously-anaesthetized small rodents to the sun-god while reading extracts from 'Fire in the John' and 'Women Who Run With The Black Labs'.
But no. I find instead that the 'High Tide' - I use the word 'High' without reservation - is just another cheap,bottom-feeding, capitalist imperialist running dog lackey of the status quo. Hammer Ed is not the only investigative reporter on the island. I too have some skills in the seamier side of popular journalism, and I dare you to print some of myfindings.
Do your readers know, for example, that, while posing as hirsute, carefree denizens of the east side, taking advantage of the easy cameraderie of Snug Cove's innocent citizens, you are in fact Snug Cove Stasi, poseurs, and agents provocateurs, freely andfrequently accepting lavish "gifts" from the Bowen establishment, such as the Chamberpot of Commerce, BIRD, BIHORA, and the Bowen Branch of the International House of Hair, in return for lulling us into a false impression that we finally have a newspaper with some semblance of independence from the mercenary battalions of our island. Take me to court if you can; threaten me with yourexpensive lawyers; I have proof. I have photographs of all of you playing on the Tunstall Bay tennis courts, with Royal Tunstall Bay Tennis Club members, and even one startling hidden camera sequence of you actually walking through Hood Point without once being asked foryour passes.
I don't know how you thought you could get away with this insidious plot. There were many others, as well as myself, who were puzzled as to why you always managed to pay your Cove Bay Improvement District water bills without taking out a second mortgage.And when Dave took away TWO bags of your garbage last week without so much as a murmur, we knew for sure you had friends in high places. After that, it was a simple matter to trace those Cowen Point Development cheques that paid off your bar bills after your 'editorial meetings' at Rondi's place, and those holdings of shares in Bowen Island Realty and Crippen Park Golf Developments Inc.
Of course, Bowen is a small community and an essentially peace-loving one, and perhaps there is another way to settle this issue. I am prepared to put aside any further discussion of your actionable and libellous reference to follicle-scarcity, and the associated revelations of your sordid and sickening deceptions and influence-peddling, if you will:
1) use your influence to the benefit of the community and myself by ensuring that I am never appointed to the APC, and
2) provide space in your pages to promote the organisation of which I am proud to be chairthing - BICJLPFITA, the Bowen Island Captain Jean Luc Picard for Islands' Trust Association.
Yours,
Outraged in Deep Bay
The High Tide responds to Outraged in Deep Bay
Graham, Graham, Graham
First you inflicted the Bowen Breeze on us and now you're blowing hot air in cyberspace! This ribald (and I use the word 'bald' without reservation) tirade of yours soundslike the rantings of a frustrated ex-editor. Denied your outlet in the aforementioned yuppie pap journal, you have now receded (and I use the word 'receded' purposely) into a complacentwaterfront obscurity that you attempt to enliven by making specious accusations against the spotless reputation of this paper.
As tiresome as it is to have to respond to such bilious mid-life tantrums as this, the High Tide is willing to publicly bare all financial facts of this publishing venture. Our Editorial Policy(which we refer to as the 'High Tide Line') has been made upof two crucial principles to date: One, the paper is free, and two, NO ADVERTISING! These noble policies did lead to a certainconflict of interest over the last issue, namely; to eat or print the paper. Anemergency editorial board meeting was held and after many seconds of debate all agreed that installing a begging cup in Caroline's, where we distribute the paper, did not abrogate our noble principles and solved our financial problems in the only politically correct way. Donations were anonymous (hence no influence-peddling), the fiscally-challenged could still access the paper for free, and the huge amount of response almost even covered our printing costs (and provided much needed funds formorning coffee).
So, as you can see, Mr. "Outraged with Waterfront Property", our reputation remains unvarnished, and our principles noble. Your speculativeaccusations are completely groundless and leave us wondering why you seem to be railing away in such desperate fashion. Is it because of your recent failure in the world of Bowen journalism, or is it just follicle-envy?
C'mon Graham, what's the bald truth? People are wondering why you opted out of your last venture. Was it just a passing wind for you, or was there a bigger storm that the public doesn't know?We've exposed ourselves; now let's hear you publicly shoot thebreeze. We want the black and whyte truth!
respectfully yours,
the High Tide
Cornered Poets:
WITHOUT THE F WORD
I just don't get it.
Even the High (& sometimes dry) Tide
avoids it. Odd we're told to shun
good old-fashioned hard-working
ground-breaking Celt-pillaging
sweat-staining under-taxing
Anglo-Saxon words like
that one.
Especially considering the root.
God/dess knows it's more than crucial
to be ultra-PC (here at another fin de siecle)
& be ultra-PC with our words (rather like Adam,
less so Eve - Lilith notwithstanding) especially
with those deemed improper for tender ears
of semi-sensitive souls who might otherwise
be allowed to enjoy Bowen Coffee Houses.
Is this the seed of censorship sprouting again?
Is the scent of suppression still in the air?
Even propaganda, perhaps?
As if it's not heard in every schoolyard
here to Sentinel High and back
especially on the Scholar Ship.
As if it never slips on the lips of parents
in the omni-presence of precocious progeny
(although perhaps only very late at night
or early a.m. enroute to the Blood Vessel
- what, an overload again?)
when little pitchers with big ears
are sleepily supposedly content
to gaze at greenly gleaming
glow-in-the-dark mobiles
of bamboozled bambies
or galaxies of New Age
trines, nodes and sextiles
(welcome to the end of the Second Millenium.)
I'm told it's a word
best left reserved
for restaurant kitchens,
carpenters' hammered thumbs,
or long steamy nights under a
lucky August moon on Killarney
in an inner tube built for two.
So maybe sometimes, after all,
somethings are better left unsaid.
But fuck that.
- Nan Big Talk
ADVERTISERS!
The High Tide is now on computer Internet, via the electronic Bowen Bulletin Board. We are the only Bowen paper offering GLOBAL exposure for your local product orservice. Just think of it! Whether you're advertising tree pruning, catering,or backhoe services it can now be accessed from the plains of Kilimanjaro to the Altiplano of Brazil. Space is limited so act now.
SPORTZ SPURTZ
by Mickey MC Incorrigible
The dog daze of summer sport is upon us. It's strike season in baseball with the Beer Jays out of it and the Expos making a run for the Scab Series title. CFL football is apparently under fullswing racking up scores like a basketball league. And where is Shreveport anyways? And thank god the World Cup of Boredom is over. I actually forced myself to watch a whole soccer game (my first), and the only thing that kept me awake was the incessant screaming of the BONE AM staff over what were apparently near misses. Ya, about as near as the Queen of Capilano's adherence to its schedule.
Bored to tears I figured I'd go out and watch some local sports and was witness to one of the oddest gamesI'd ever seen. It was the Bowen WorkSox vs. the BirkenSox, a pitching dual between Jimmy Soffit and Bobby Bulgar. Soffit was working his shifts on the mound pitching straight, true, and on the line whereas Bobby Bulgar's limp-wristed slippery tofu balls hung likedangling crystals and were repeatedly smacked to the top fascias of the General Store by the high-ballers of the WorkSox, Sammy Estwing andBrent 'Scarf-face' Makita.
After 4 innings of tuning in and turning on, Bobby dropped out and was relieved by Chuffy La Bud who stunned the WorkSox with his apparentindifference over whether he hit the strike zone or the batters. After a few innings of this the WorkSox crew were severely depleted due to compo claims leaving only Jimmy Soffit on the mound and at bat. Wielding his SPF No.2 2x4, it was left to Jimmy to take his gunsn'hoses gang to victory with a gable topping homerun ball that was last seenheading for Cates Hill. The WorkSox got the job done and the BirkenSox just didn't seem competitive. It was a game that stretched my imagination, and my attentionspan.
So now there's nothing left until the 300 game NHL non-season begins, with only the promise of the glorious Hab's 25th cup victory next April to keep me going. To quote from my mentor, the venerable Max Jackson, "If you can't play a sport...beone."
Home Improvements
by Hammer Ed.
Dear H. Ed,
My boy-friend works as a deck hand on the Queen of Capilano. We are very much in love and have been living together for over two weeks. Twice in that period he has slept in and missed the first sailing to Bowen Island, which resulted in the cancellation of that run. I am sure this annoys the good people of Bowen. What can I do to get him up on time?
Concerned in Horseshoe Bay.
Dear Concerned.
A structure erected at first light is more durable than one erected at twilight.
Hey Hammer!
I am speaking for the teens on this Island. We are totally, and I mean totally dissed with your generation. You think the only cool music is stuff that you have created. And now all we hear is how seminal Woodstock was. Hey man, that was twenty five years ago. We were still in a beer bottle then.
How can we connect?
X Gen.
Dear Ex-Gen,
If you have a good wood stock, your fires will burn for ever.
CLASSIFIEDS
JOIN POTI (Philanthropists of the Isle). Support the arts, salve your conscience, ennoble your community status! Become part of an exciting new acronym. Weekly meetings will be held in member's homes where starving artists will be present and fed.To join send money, rice, or empty beer cans to The High Tide, Seaside #2, Bowen Island.
LOST Seeing-eye dog. Described as furry, with a warm and wet nose. If seen phone the CNIB.
WANTED 10 balding men for experimental hydro-seeding hair replacement program. Phone947-HAIR.
TEAL SPRAY Tired of your drab lab. Stand out in the crowd! Today's colour,tomorrow's product. Use Teal Spray on your lab. (Environmentally safe: this producthas not been tested on animals.) 947-TEAL.
GROUP MEETINGS for pet co-dependants at BICS. "If your pet is a problem, you probably aretoo." Follow the '12 steps to a walk' program for a healthier relationshipbetween you and your pet.
Published sporadically (usually during the big fatty full moon tides), the High Tide is Bowen's alternative newspaper and is distributed at Caroline'sDeli where an artistic support cup awaits your deposits (suggested donation 1 Loonie).
And we want your input and feedback.
Send submissions, Dear Hammer Ed letters, etc to The High Tide, Seaside No.2, A-7, Bone Island.
And send all libel suits back to your tailor: if they're too tight, maybe youshould loosen up a bit.
With thanks for a Home away from home to Wimsey Home Page