JOKES AND STORIES

1) Why are men like lawn mowers? If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

2) How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix? It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.

3) What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

4) How do we know men invented maps? Who else would make an inch into a mile?

5) What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need ........ A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

6) How does a man keep his youth? By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

7) What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men? Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

8) Where do you have to go to find a man

The Teacher calls on Little Johnny. "Johnny," she says, "I have a math question for you." Little Johnny says, "Okay, fire away!" The teacher says, "There are three crows sitting on a fence. A hunter shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny quickly responds,"None!" The teacher asks, "Could you explain that answer?" Little Johnny says, "Sure. The crow that gets shot, falls off the fence dead, and the other two fly away, afraid of the noise." "Actually", the teacher replies, "The answer is two, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING!" Little Johnny says, "Now I have a question for you!" The teacher says, "Go ahead!" Little Johnny says, "There are three women walking down the street eating ice cream cones. One of them is licking it, one of them is sucking it, and one of them is biting it. Which one is married?" After thinking for a moment, the teacher responds, "The one who is sucking it." "Actually," replies Johnny, "It's the one wearing the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING!"

Crazy Mike, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny . . . keep potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength"and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" Crazy Mike says, "Gimme 3 boxes." The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmracist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on THAT, are you?" Crazy Mike says, "Naw, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up!!

Dont you Remember?

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it. "Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds."Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Dating vs. Marriage

When you are dating...farting is never an issue When you are married...You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times. When you are dating...He takes you out to have a good time. When you are married...He brings home a 6-pack, and says "What are you going to drink?" When you are dating...He holds your hand in public. When you are married...He flicks your ear in public. When you are dating...A single bed for 2 isn't that bad. When you are married...A king size bed feels like an Army cot. When you are dating...You are turned on at the sight of him naked When you are married...You think to yourself... "was he always this hairy?" When you are dating...You enjoy foreplay. When you are married...You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone?" When you are dating...He hugs you, when he walks by you for no apparent reason. When you are married...he grabs your boob any chance he gets. When you are dating...You picture the two of you together, growing old together. When you are married...You wonder who will die first. When you are dating...Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy" When you are married...When you look at him, you want to claw at his eyes. When you are dating...He knows what the "hamper" is. When you are married...The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage. When you are dating...He understands if you "aren't in the mood". When you are married...He says it's your job. When you are dating...He understands that you have "male" friends. When you are married...He thinks they are all out to steal you away. When you are dating...He likes to "discuss" things. When you are married...He develops a "blank" stare. When you are dating...He calls you by name. When you are married...He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She." A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand bungee-jumping Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own = bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata? MEN JUST WONT LISTEN A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants Ladies Room but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There, next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR Making the mistake sooooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He careful pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice." So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Ah ha," he thought, "No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services!" So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button... When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the "Automatic Tampon Removal Button." "By the way, your penis is under your pillow." THE PARTY A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out - caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, Two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" "Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... "HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?" The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads: FIRST THE WOMEN=20 40-ish.................. 48 Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will Athletic................ Flat-chested Average looking......... Ugly Beautiful............... Pathological liar Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin Educated................ College dropout Emotionally Secure...... Medicated Feminist................ Fat; ball buster Free spirit............. Substance user Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun..................... Annoying Gentle.................. Comatose Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic New-Age................. All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded............. Desperate Outgoing................ Loud Passionate.............. Loud Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic Professional............ Real Witch Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat Romantic................ Looks better by candle light Voluptuous.............. Very Fat Weight proportional to height............. Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking Widow................... Nagged first husband to death Young at heart.......... Toothless crone THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST=20 40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking............ Arrogant Honest.................. Pathological Liar Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent Mature.................. Until you get to know him Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer Subject: Italian Joke Attention-Attention (Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want to piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy. Subject: Looney Tunes Personality Test Which is your Favorite Character? 1) Tazmanian Devil 2) Tweety 3) Marvin the Martian 4) Scooby Doo 5) Daffy Duck 6) Peppe Le Pew 7) Sylvester 8) Speedy Gonzalos 9) Bugs Bunny By picking this favorite character....we can tell now what kind of person, you are!!!...HMMMMM, do we really what to know? ROFL GOT YOUR CHARACTER ??? CAN'T CHANGE YOUR MIND NOW!! Please Standby.....Wait a SEC.....No Fair Peeking !!! >> =3Do) ................................................................. ........ .... ........................................... . If you Like ....... 1) Tazmanian Devil-=3DA0 You are Wacky and Crazy!!! You Are the Center of attention at parties. You love Food and are always Causing Chaos. When you are on a date, you're the one who makes the 1st move. Love comes and goes for you. Can you Say * PLAYER* ?!? 2) Tweety- aaaaw you're soo CUTE!! Everyone Loves you cause your so adorable physically and mentally. Face it, People are Jealous of you. Love is always there for you. You're the typical *Long-Relationship* Kinda person. You LOVE Cuddling But P.D.A is not your style. If something goes wrong in relationships (Family, etc...) you always go to your friends for advice. Tweety-Lovers are great listeners. 3) Marvin the Martian- You are DEFINETELY in control of your life. People say you're a *Control Freak*. You're the kind of person that is ALWAYS Paranoid with unimportant issues, But that's ok cause there is always someone there to relieve that paranoia. Love is very valuable to you. Relationships have been Hardships for you but just remember that you're in control. 4) Scooby Doo- Lets face it, people around you find you quite annoying sometimes. Whether it'd be the whining or Gnagging, but it's driving your friends Crazy. If you have problems in life, just keep them on the *DL*. To get on the Positive side of things, you are very helpful and you love to solve mysteries and problems. Love is a condition far away from your mind. The best advice for Scooby doo Lovers is to Deal with your problems on your OWN. 5) Daffy Duck- You are annoying in this cute way. People love being around you because of your utter Goofiness. Making People Laugh is your specialty. Daffy Lovers think there is a soulmate out there for everyone. Love is something you haven't found deeply yet but the *soulmate* will be there, CLOSER than you think. Humm, this was Maggie 6) Peppe le Piu- You are the sweetest and most lovable person there is.Guys/Girls love being around your *Charmed* personality. When there is something you want, you will TRY to get it, No question about it, Peppe-Lovers don't take NO for an answer. It's Hard to please you but it's very easy for you to please others with your endearing inner-self. Love is here for you and always will be. Not only talking about b/fs-g/fs, but Family or friends. If someone lets you down, there is always someone else that loves you and is there. I'd have to say that Peppe-lovers are the luckiest. 7) Sylvester- You are very Fun-Loving and easy to please. People always are talking behind your back because of their utter jealousy. Laughing is what you do best. Crying comes once in a life time for you. You are very Unique in a good way. People want to be like you and find you as a *Cool* person. Love is easy for you to find. Your motto would probably be "Smile" 8) Speedy Gonzalos- You are ambitious and always heading for your goal.You are a very *Fast* thinker and intelligent. It's often = Genetic in Speedy- Lovers. Love comes once in a life-time, unfortunately,but you always have your family supporting you. For you, FAMILY always comes 1st. 9) Bugs Bunny- You are definetely the greatest friend a person can ever have.You're wise and always thinking of ideas. Bugs-lovers have nothing to worry about in life cause you always have solutions for everthing. Love is ALWAYS there for you. Fooling around is your specialty. The word Relationship is not. Two boys were skinny dippin and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he asked "How did ya get it that big?" The other boy responded "Well I rub it down every night with lard." Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made with no results. The first boy said "I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco." The other boy exclaimed "Well, no wonder, ... that's shortening." A middle aged woman goes for surgery and while she is on the table she has a cardiac arrest and then has a near death experience. During her near death experience, she sees God and asks God if this is it. Is she going to die? God replies no that she has at least 30 or 40 years left to live. So she decides that while she is in the hospital, since she will be alive for so much longer, that she may as well have a face lift done as well as a tummy tuck and liposuction, and her hair dyed. After all this is done, she leaves the hospital and goes out on the street and gets hit by an ambulance and dies. When she sees God, she asks what happened, after all she still had 30 or 40 years left to live. And God replies " I'm sorry, to tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you", The Teacher calls on Little Johnny. "Johnny," she says, "I have math question for you." Little Johnny says, "Okay, fire away!" The teacher says, "There are three crows sitting on a fence. A hunter shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny quickly responds, "None!" The teacher asks, "Could you explain that answer?" Little Johnny says, "Sure. The crow that gets shot, falls off the fence dead, and the other two fly away, afraid of the noise." "Actually," the teacher replies, "The answer is two, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING!" Little Johnny says, "Now I have a question for you!" The teacher says, "Go ahead!" Little Johnny says, "There are three women walking down the street eating ice cream cones. One of them is licking it, one of them is sucking it, and one of them is biting it. Which one is married?" After thinking for a moment, the teacher responds, "The one who is sucking it." "Actually," replies Johnny, "It's the one wearing the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING!" To determine YOUR personality check the gift you'd most like to get: 1. Candy 2. Flowers 3. A sweet poem 4. Sex 5. Dinner/Dancing 6. Waffle iron If you answered... 1. CANDY It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share...OR you're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything even true love. If you answered... 2. FLOWERS It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture...OR you get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die. If you answered... 3. A SWEET POEM It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word...OR you're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word. If you answered... 4. SEX It means that...You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful...OR you're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after another. If you answered... 5. DINNER/DANCING It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight...OR you're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor. If you answered... 6. WAFFLE IRON It means that... You're a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use...OR you have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances. An American woman, a British woman and an Italian woman were having lunch. The American woman said, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to clean the house anymore. If he wanted it clean he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then on the third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the entire house!" The British woman agreed, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and my laundry!" The Italian woman chimed in, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mothers or cook for himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then on the third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye." Because I'm A Guy..... Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator. Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer. Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like " Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-how the heck could HE know where we're going? Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't. Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is OK. I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too? Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection? Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating. Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest. Bra shopping..... A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?" "Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size ,color and material. "Actually, replied the salesclerk, "even with all of this variety--there are really only 3 types of bras" Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" More confused, the man asked "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded "It is all really quite simple" "The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills". A pastor of a church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answerthat question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each goup was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation. The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their atention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have a better model. The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find youself spending half you paycheck on accessories for it. A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now". So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie. So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it! In-tell-u-gents A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something..." "I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy says: "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times." sexual harrasment?? A manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, by the way, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?" He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why no, sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." joke of the day Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave." who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital 9) How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals" STOPPED BY THE LAW! A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over.The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car. State cop: "License and registration please." Man: "I`m sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?" State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph." Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65." Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!" State cop: "I`m also citing you for having a tail light out." Man: "But officer, I wasn`t aware it was out." Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it`s been out for two months." State cop: "I`m also fining you for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car." Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt." Man: "Listen you dumb *&^%$, shut your !@#$` mouth!!!" State cop: "Ma`am, does he always talk to you this way?" Wife: "Only when he`s drunk......." OTHER THINGS.... 1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. 3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. 4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; Then, Pow! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..." 5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. 6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. 7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery! " Martha replies,"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!" 8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! 9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. 10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. A BRIDGE OR WOMEN'S EMOTIONS? A man was walking along the beach in California and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, " I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one. The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly, Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii. The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask. The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. basically, what makes them tick." The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?" ADDICTED INTERNET JUNKIE 1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy - for a year!!!!!" 2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control. 3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL." 4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ instead of ICU! 5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes. 6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer. 7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car. 8. Tech support calls YOU for help. 9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out. 10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza. 11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it. 12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. 13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said. 14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago. 15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to. 16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy. 17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile. 18. You say......."Where did the time go??" 19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on. 20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods....... 22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small. 23. You think faster than the computer.<----Not difficult for me 24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and kisses. 25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you. 26. You're on the phone and say BRB. 27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes. 28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP". 29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead. 30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life. A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!" Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count? A: Your date has to chew before she swallows.... Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts? A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them. Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A:"I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!" Q: What is the difference between pink and purple? A: The grip Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally." Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? A: Burger King didn't cover his Whopper. Q: Why did the condom cross the road? A: Because it was pissed off. Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night." Q: What did one boob say to the other? A: Don't hang so low, they'll think we're nuts. Q: What is the diffrence between a frog and a horny toad? A: One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it rub-it! Q: What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? A: They can both smell it but they can't eat it Q: How is the card game Bridge and sex alike? A: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand. Viagra & Doan's Pills The older guys are now taking a new combination Viagra and Doan's Pills So the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out.. Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !" Ads in Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels . . . I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you." Fabric Softener: Remember this one men...:-) My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for, then, I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) "Married" (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like "Cripes". For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of "Gosh?" of the church of "Holy Moly". I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in "Heck"? Morning Differences: isn't that the truth!!! :-) Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "how can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god . . . give me your hand . . . it won't be long now . . . " Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen". You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. Reverse Life Cycle: I really like this idea! The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating . . . you finish off as a gleam. Prisons: now that is an interesting thought. Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials: The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast forwarded through the whole thing. Phone-in Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote . . . They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (Into phone) "I'm not in the mood." Answering Machine: hee hee, Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "Share the love." [Beep]. "Uh, yeah . . . this is the VD clinic calling . . . Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love." Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on the topic of happiness. He shouted "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have! Out to prove this he glanced at his audience. And he saw a man at the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do have sex ?" the philosopher asked. "Once a month." the man answered. Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile. And he asked him "Sir, How often do you have sex?" "Once a week." the man shouted. Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, So how often do you have sex?" "Well, ... everyday" the happy man answered. "There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher. But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air. Laughing and jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him "You sure look like a very happy man?" "Yes,Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man "So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked The man answered "Once a year...." The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT ??? ...Then why are you so happy ??" The man while laughing, and jumping said: "IT'S TONIGHT... IT'S TONIGHT!!" Three guys are walking down the street when they're suddenly stopped by a big black guy who jumps out in front of them. "You better have ten inches of dick between the three of you, or I might have to have some fun with my knife," he says, pulling out a switchblade. The first guy coolly whips out his five-incher. The second guy isn't far behind with his four-incher, and the third produces his one-incher. Satisfied, the black guy lets them go. The three head off around the corner, where the first guy gasps, "Good thing I had my five-incher." The second guy says, "Yeah, and we're lucky I had my four inches." "No kidding," says the third guy. "Thank God I had a hard on!" "Ho Ho Freakin' Ho!" T'was the night before Christmas-Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have a good mind to scrap the whole works I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa"-what do I hear The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money-The reindeer all fight Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money And the kids these days-they all are the pits They want the impossible...Those mean little shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's-No request for them They want computers and robots...They think I'm IBM If you think that's bad...just picture this Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss They pull on my nose-they grab at my beard And if I don't smile...the parents think I'm weird Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason I found me a blonde..I'm going SOUTH for the season!! "NUNS" Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!? "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted. "ALIENS" Two aliens land in the middle of the Australian outback, near a recently abandoned gas station. The first alien goes up to the gas pump (which he assumes is an earthling) and says, "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump doesn't say anything. The alien gets annoyed and demands again, "Take me to your leader!!" When the gas pump still doesn't reply, the alien gets mad and tells the pump thata if he doesn't start talking he will blast him. ...At this point the second alien nervously interrupts, "Er, Sir, don't think you should...." But the first alien will not be deterred and he blasts away. There is a huge explosion and after the smoke clears, the blackened aliens discover themselves lying 100 yards away from their destroyed space ship..."You see, Sir," said the second alien, "I didn't think it would be a wise idea to mess around with a guy who can wrap his dick around his waist and stick it in his ear. A woman is in a gambling casino. At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A man near-by suggests she play her age. She puts her money on number 35. The wheel is spun and 43 comes up. The woman faints. Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. The she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President." A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jag XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?" A farmer is milking his cow. As he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cows ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer looks up and says, "Hmph. In one ear, out the utter." A blonde was recently hired at the office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to prove her worth to her new bosses, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.""Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf." THE FAMILY STRESS TEST Score: 0 if the statement is never true 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true 3 if it is always true. 1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". 2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 3. ____ The cat is on Valium. 4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.