SANTA'S DILEMMA
(or - 'Those darn little elves DO IT AGAIN!')
by  Dave Pickelf Xmas 95
A week before Christmas,
Just one year ago,
A story took place
That I think you should know.
All stockings were hung
By the chimney with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas
Soon would be there . .
But something had changed:
Something no-one could know
Was that Santa was tired
Of slogging through snow.
He was old for such hard work
As driving a sleigh
Over one billion rooftops
In under a day!
He'd talked to his wife
Who'd agreed: 'There's no doubt
You need some time off
Or you'll burn yourself out!'
So Santa sat down
And he picked up the 'phone
To call a few numbers
Of folks he had known
Who were younger and stronger
(But still fat and jolly
With eyes like black currants
And cheeks red as holly)
Who just might be willing
To take up the task:
But he called and he called
And each one that he asked
Always seemed to be busy
And too occupied!
Old Santa was taken
Aback! And he cried -
'I'll admit that this job
Isn't barrels of fun
But WHISHT! and GOL-DURNIT!
It's GOT to be DONE....'
Depressed and despondant
He slumped in his chair.
Then a knock on the door
Made him mutter 'Who's there?'
Straight into the room
Marched a wee tiny elf
Who wasted no time
Introducing himself
'I'm Toby, your Jollity!
Pray, can you spare
A moment? I SAY!
You seem weighed down with care...!'
Then Santa broke down
And he moaned 'It's the stress
This job needs a much younger
Santa, I guess!
It's too hard to face
All the travel this year
Just grinding it out
With those tiny reindeer -
Lashed at by winds
And assaulted by snow
I have to admit it -
I don't want to go!
I KNOW I can't cut it -
I don't want to try!'
Then he took out a hanky
And dabbed at his eye.
The elf was dismayed
And stared down at his shoes
Then he jumped! 'Ach, I almost
Forgot the great news!
You're gonna be glad
When you hear why I've come
You'll find that there's really
No need to be glum!
So give me a moment
And I'll fill you in!'
Then he cleared his wee throat:
And said: 'Where to begin....?
'I've been working here
Since a few years ago -
That Christmas Bermuda
Got three feet of snow.
You came home all sodden
And chilled to the bone
'Twas the freezing-est Christmas
The world's ever known.
The reindeer survived it
Without too much pain
But you said you'd never
Go through that again!
That disasterous year
Brought the realization
You needed alternative
WARM transportation.
It bugged you so much
That you made a decision
To start and develop
A transport division.
'You called in some elves
Who had knowlege; and who
Could master resources
Both ancient and new.
Then you said: 'You must find me
A slick easy way
To deliver those gifts
Without using a sleigh.'
You gave us our orders:
You said, 'What I need
Is a new kind of vehicle
Worthy of ME!
It's gotta be fast
And it's gotta be warm
And sturdy enough
To survive any storm.
Two other conditions:
It's gotta look cute
And, (very important),
It MUST NOT POLLUTE.
So go! Make a start!
Do the best that you can
And get back to me soon!'
...Well, that's how it began.
'We toiled and we struggled
By day and by night
But each plan we showed you
You said 'That's not right:
Too much like a plane,
Not enough like a sleigh..'
Or 'That looks ridiculous!
Take it away!'
We laboured full tilt
To come up to the mark
We cursed your demands
(Though we knew in our hearts
That the thing that you wanted
Just had to be right).
So we strove and we sweated
Till one weary night.....
While lying awake
At a quarter to three
A wonderful elegant
Thought came to me.
Next morning I told it
They said, 'WOW let's try it!
But it might not work
So we'd best keep it quiet.'
'The idea was simple:
Your DEER can all fly -
Though we don't quite know HOW
And we don't quite know WHY -
But we've seen that the deer
Cannot fly the year 'round
In fact, they spend most of it
Right on the ground.
'We watched and we studied:
But soon it was clear
That reindeer can fly
Only one night a year!
'So we think there's a force
That shows up Christmas night
And gives all the reindeer
The power of flight.
'And we thought, what if we
Could make use of this force?
So we worked even harder:
Used every resource
And finally came up
With a thing that we're sure
Will perfectly meet
Those conditions of yours!'
Old Santa was dumbstruck
He'd hardly believed
That the transport division
Would ever succeed -
Then the elf took his arm
And brought Santa outside
And there was the THING!
Santa's eyes opened wide.....
The transport division
Had done themselves proud.
Their wond'rous creation
Had gathered a crowd.
The 'oohs' and the 'ahhs'
Filled the crisp morning air
I'll try to describe it:
What Santa saw there.....
Was a MASSIVE BROWN REINDEER
Some sixty feet high
With antlers that reached
Far up into the sky!
Each leg was as long
As a fairly large tree
Each nostril could hold
Several elves, easily:
But somehow, though huge,
And a trifle alarming,
It's bright, sparkling eyes
Made it look rather charming.
While Santa stood pondering
Its awesome dimensions
Wee Toby said, 'Let me
Explain our invention:
'We discovered that reindeer
Can channel this force
They use for this purpose
Their antlers, of course!
So we thought, why not build you
A nice reindeer sleigh
That will channel that force
In the very same way?
If the theory was right,
When we put it together,
It ought to fly easily
Light as a feather:
While using no fuel!
(It's energy-free
And entirely built
Of recycled debris!)
'So our math guys went at it
They used their slide rules
(They were not allowed
Calculators in school) -
'Then one of them said:
'There's a size it must be
If it's gonna channel
The force properly:
'My math is unerring:
These figures don't lie:
It says here it's gotta be
SIXTY FEET HIGH!
'I've studied the physics:
I'm tellin' you, guys -
If it's gonna work
Then it must be that size!'
'Well, he was the smartest
In his senior year
And all of his figures
Were lucid and clear
'So right then and there
We went into production:
We tooled up the pieces
And started construction.
'We secretly tested it
Last Christmas eve,
The way that it flew
You'd have hardly believed!
(Except that the steering
Just needed a tweak
We got lost and we didn't
Get home for a week!...)
'But now here it is!
And it's ready to to fly:
There's a door over there
In its foot: step inside!'
Then Santa was awestruck:
Completely amazed!
His mind simply reeled
As around him he gazed-
There were windows and stairs
And some skylights as well
The elves had been giving
Their best, he could tell:
A broad elevator
Ran up to its nose
Where there was a room
Full of fancy controls.
And plushly stuffed chairs
Stood around everywhere
It was more like a house
Than a thing of the air.
While Santa proceeded
Its praises to sing,
Wee Toby piped up:
'Sir, there's just one more thing....
'There's plenty of room
So we thought (please don't laugh)
We'd love to fly WITH you -
The entire staff!
In fact, in the tummy,
We built (to one side)
A corral - so your reindeer
Could come for the ride!'
Now Santa's stout heart
Was as warm as can be -
'I'd call it an honour
To take you' - said he.
***
Well, that was last year
And it worked like a dream
The magnificent, force-powered
Flying machine.
The craft was a breeze
To control in the air
You just had to think of a place -
You were there!
The speed was terrific -
The smoothness outstanding
You barely would notice
Each takeoff and landing.
The ride was SO smooth
That some riders were able
To shoot a few games
On the built-in pool table!
It was comfort and joy
For the Old Elf, at last -
Now slogging through snow
Was a thing of the past.
The craft went about
Twenty miles to the second
The job-time was cut
Right in half, Santa reckoned.
Last year, I am told,
That they had so much fun,
They continued to fly
When delivery was done!
And this year they're planning,
(I heard the elves say)
To pack up and carry
The old wooden sleigh -
'Cause everyone noticed
Last year (around one)
The real deer got restless
And needed to run!
***
So if you should look
At the sky, Christmas eve,
You may see a sight
You will hardly believe:
If two shapes together
Go shooting through space
It's the BIG and the LITTLE deer -
Having a race!
The End
MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Dec 19, 1995