'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
The writer was whining
(Once more) to his spouse.

"On what we've been making
We just can't afford
This huge heap of presents
Piled up on the floor!
"They're not even paid for -
They're all bought on credit!
We better return 'em
Or live to regret it!
When bill paying time
Comes around in a week
We'll be bankrupt!" - his wife
Put her hand on his cheek.
She'd learned long ago
How to handle his moods
When he got all discouraged
As songwriters do:

"You've been working too hard
And it all seems no use
But we've been here before -
And I'm here to tell you
That over the years
There's one thing I've discovered -
When luck's running out
THAT'S WHEN YOU'LL GET A COVER!"

He grumbled away
For a moment, but then
Her pacification
Began to sink in.
Then calm settled down
All was quiet and still
When the phone started ringing
Both urgent and shrill.
He reached for it, saying
"I just can't believe
"Someone's calling at THIS HOUR
Upon Christmas Eve!"
He raised the receiver
Said "Who is it, please?"
Then over the line
Came some words - they were these:

"Hi man, it's your publisher!
I've got some news
I think that I may have
A cover for you!
"It's a bit of a story
But - Hey! it's my dime
So don't interrupt
'Cause I don't have much time
I'm in between parties
You know how it is -
I'm all tired out
But it goes with the biz.
There's a party at FACTOR
And one at SOCAN
I'm really just schmoozing
As hard as I can
But like everyone here
On the publishing crew -
Everything that we do -
We do it for you!!!

"Now what was I saying -
Oh yes! this great news
You must hear the story!
I'll tell it to you.

"There's this little wee country
Just east of Brazil
You might even know it
It's called "BOMBAZILL"
It gets in the news
(If you watch CNN) -
And two weeks ago
It was on there again.

"It's rather unstable
Politically speaking
The current dictator's
So old that he's creaking
After six years of drought
With no interruption
There's hunger and strife
And disease and corruption
But midst all these troubles
The thing that annoys
Bombazillions the MOST -
That they'd love to destroy - -

"Is their national anthem:
A horrible song!
It's lyrics are awful:
It's nine minutes long:
It doesn't quite rhyme
And the melody stinks
It was written by some
Politician, I think.
I heard it myself,
And (I swear this is true)
I ran for a barf bag
About half-way through!
It's aural detritus
An audible turd
The worst piece of garbage
That I've ever heard.

"Well, the anthem's been causing
Internal unrest
And changes are coming
My sources suggest.
It's rumoured the army
Is planning a coup.
A friend of mine lives there
And tells me it's troup.

"The generals say
When the coup's carried out
And the new PRESIDENTE
(A young handsome lout)
Is installed in the palace
The first thing he'll do
(To appease his poor people
For all they've been through)
Is demand A NEW ANTHEM!
So - I THOUGHT OF YOU!

"The market for national
Anthems is small
But if you can score one
You make quite a haul!
In BOMBAZILL they have a law
So it seems -
Their anthem gets played
All day long! It's a dream!
Though it's not what you hoped for
While writing your song,
I thought of the money
We'll make - was I wrong?

"So I sent them your tape
And they faxed me right back
They wanted a hold placed
On one of your tracks!
They say that your music
Is just what they need
The generals love it
The colonels agreed!
They told me to tell you
You've got quite a gift -
Your song's sure to to give
Their poor country a lift!
It's got (so they tell me)
BOMBAZILLIAN flavour
(I think its the melody
Line that they favour).
It's pompous, they said,
And repetetive too,
But that's just what they want -
So it's hats off to you!!!!
You'll have to adjust
Several lyrics, it's true
But I'm sure that won't be
A hard thing to do
(And by the way, baby,
Your option's renewed!!)"

Well the writer was dumbstruck
His heart was a-pounding
He knew that his pile
Of bills that was mounting
Would be levelled in no time
By those countless millions
He soon would be making
From the Bombazillians!
So he sang and he yelled
And he shouted his bliss
And he gave the receiver
A rather moist kiss
And said "You're the greatest
The world's ever seen!
You kept up the faith
Though the earnings were lean!
You knew through those times
When the pickings were slim
That if we kept on going
Our ship would come in
And now it's come in
Well, it's brought the whole fleet
That's groovy! Amazing!
Exciting! and NEAT!
Of all Christmas presents
I ever could know,
This one beats the rest
By a mile or so!
Now, thanks to your efforts,
It's all turned out right
SO HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS!!!!!
(And to all A GOOD NIGHT!)
Christmas 1997