And Baby Makes Three

Resuming sex after childbirth

David S. Hersh, Ed.D.

http://Doctor-Sex.org

copyright © 2004

 

Sex after childbirth, and sex before pregnancy are exactly the same. NOT!

 

Having a baby is a life-defining event. It’s like flipping the light switch and fusing it “ON”, so the light will never again go out. Your body is forever different. Not necessarily better or worse, just different.

 

Let me define the word “SEX”. If you decide to gather some more online information on sex after childbirth, be sure to find out how the author is defining that word. When I use it here, I mean it as all activities that one person alone may do with herself or himself which she or he finds erotic; or those activities that two (or more) people share consensually that they find erotic. I guess what I’m saying is that “SEX” is more than just penis-vagina intercourse.

 

There are many online resources that will give you lots of information about kick starting your sexuality after your baby is born. Many websites will tell you all about “averages”, what is usual for couples, and they will point out that it is different for every couple. Of course, it is! There is also information to answer almost any question you may have on this topic, so I’ll try to approach it from a different perspective. I really don’t want to duplicate available information and bore you, and I really don’t want to write a long article.

 

For some women, sex gets better. For some women, sex is never as good again. For many women, sex eventually returns to pretty much the way it was before pregnancy, although their bodies have changed. Can having a good partnership help your successful resumption of sex? Yes, it can.

 

I think that sex always begins with the self before it involves anyone else. How can you help your partner to share successful sex with you if you haven’t yet felt sexual, or if you don’t know how your body feels to your own touch?

 

Am I hinting at masturbation? More than just a hint. An outright suggestion. Most women find that the surest way to have an orgasm is with masturbation by themselves. Many women find the first orgasm after delivery to be the answer to the important question, “Will I ever cum again...or want to?” I’ve met more than one woman who after delivery has said, “I’ll never have sex again.”

 

I think that after the baby comes, when you think you are ready to become sexual again, you should go back to the starting block, to yourself. You know best about you. If you are not feeling sexual, or responding to stimuli that under other conditions have produced erotic response, then you may not even be ready for masturbation, yet alone partnered sex.

 

Some women find erotic stimulation from breast-feeding. (In some cultures this is a widely recognized phenomenon.) If you are nursing, you may want to notice whether this stimulation feels erotic to you, or how it feels emotionally. I’ve heard nursing women comment that although they may find breast-feeding sexually stimulating, they are not interested in orgasm, and they are not ready for either masturbation or partnered sex. The constant body contact with the baby has satisfied much of their need for touch, and the idea of having more physical contact with the other parent is not erotic or desirable.

 

So, even if you’re ready for masturbation and you’re ready for partnered sex, you may not be ready for intercourse, so don’t start off pushin’ the pedal to the floor. Take it slowly. Both of you might want to take a number of driving lessons with this new vehicle, your body. Look at its new contours. Admire its lines. Open the hood and have a look around. Kick the tires a bit. Run your hands over the fine upholstery. Breathe the aroma you remember of each other. Start the engine. Hear it purr. Take it for a spin around the block, each of you getting to sit behind the wheel. Use the manual transmission: shift easily and work that clutch so that you don’t grind the gears. Don’t put it in overdrive. Don’t use the cruise control. Don’t get in a road race with your partner. Ease on down the road, and learn to develop your new pace so that you work the kinks out of this new vehicle. And, most of all, drive safely and with love.