MAKE PLEASURE LAST
A manual for men who ejaculate too soon.

David S. Hersh, Ed.D., FAACS
Clinical Sexologist
Copyright 2004

Preface:

Nothing you will read in this manual is new. Nothing has been invented by me. I have no magic answers or cures. You can learn new behaviors. Contrary to the adage, old dogs can learn new tricks.

During the time I have done sex therapy, I have read many articles and books about treating "premature ejaculation”, or coming too quickly. While there are a number of accepted techniques, each author has his or her preferred variations. I present my program to you.

If you are partnered, please have your partner read this manual before you begin, so she will understand your learning process, be patient, and be able to be cooperative. You must first contract with your partner that there will be no intercourse until the manual permits. However, do continue other forms of emotional or physical closeness during this learning period.

Make sure you are in good health and do not have an untreated medical condition.

There is a cure

Congratulations! Well, it's about time you decided to do something about your "problem." It's been bothering you (and your partner) since way back when.

I know it's difficult to face an issue that so strongly confronts our culture's idea of masculine control. But, every man at some time in his life ejaculates (comes) before he wants to. Even those men who "never have the problem" sometimes slip, lose awareness of sensation, and come too quickly.

These are not the dark ages of sexual research, and you will benefit from some of the things we have learned. In the past, we knew less of the sexual response cycle, and men who came too quickly saw little hope of finding a cure. Local anesthetic ointments and creams do not work! Psychoanalysis is also ineffective for this problem! You are not crazy, and you are not alone!

Chances are that you are one of the 90 percent of men who will learn to overcome this disabling and dissatisfying condition within a few months. The results of this program are so good that it is exciting to know that you (and your partner) will be on the road to greater sexual fulfillment in a relatively short time. Remember, it took you a lifetime to get to this point, so it will take a little time to learn new techniques.

I know that reading a long book does not seem exciting. So, I have left out the technical material that many people find boring. If you want the details, there are many fine books on sexuality in your local library that will fill in what this manual is missing. This short manual will serve as a guide to you (and your partner). There are no great secrets involved and no mysteries. Yes, it will really work! You may not succeed immediately, but:

Do not give up!

Learning takes time. Learning includes trial and error. If you are learning this program with the help of a therapist, he/she will guide you through difficulties and help you to strictly follow directions, or make modifications when necessary.

On occasion, deeper emotional problems or relationship issues may interfere with your progress. Those issues will be discussed during your counseling sessions. Remember, most males are not born with the skill to be able to control their ejaculations. And, except for Canadians, most people are not born on ice skates!

This brief manual does not address all of the considerations that may arise during this learning experience. Therefore, it is important that you (and hopefully your partner) will continue contact with your therapist to help iron out some of the kinks that may arise.

Begin with trust and proceed with love.

Good Luck.

The Facts

Simply speaking, your problem is that at, or shortly after, penetration into your partner's vagina with your penis, you come, before you and your partner desire it.

Why does this happen? Throughout the animal kingdom, intercourse takes a very few seconds from penetration to ejaculation to withdrawal. No animal, other than man, cares how long it takes. So, it is normal and natural for a healthy male to ejaculate quickly. The evolutionary principal of natural selection suggests that the animal who could ejaculate quickly would survive over slower animals who were thus exposed to attack from other animals. Since man has become socialized, it has become expected that he should dine instead of eat and make love rather than copulate.

1. Most males have only one ejaculation per sexual encounter.
2. Seventy-five percent of all males come within two minutes after penetration.
3. Most intercourse in our culture is done in the male-above, "missionary" position.
4. Many people have never tried any other position, though the missionary position is the most difficult in which to control the ejaculation.
5. Seventy-five percent of women do not achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration, no matter how long intercourse lasts.

Three Phases of the Sexual Response Cycle

1. Excitement: the increase of physical and mental stimulation of sexual interest, erection in the male, lubrication in the female.

2. Plateau: enjoying the feeling of high arousal, "scratching the itch.

3. Orgasm: the release, coming.

For men with inadequate ejaculatory control, the excitement rises too quickly, and there is no time to enjoy the feeling before the release. This program is designed to help you to choose when to come. It will help you to slow the excitement phase and lengthen the plateau phase. That's what you want, isn't it?

Why me

Except in very rare instances, coming too quickly is not a physical problem, though recently some medical treatments have been used successfully to assist some men with this problem. You are not sick, wrong or broken! The most usual cause is a lack of sexual sensory awareness.

Men who come too quickly have never developed a reliable sense of what their genitals feel like when they are highly excited and about to come. It is this lack of sensory awareness that is a major cause of the poor ejaculatory control.

Certain factors may have helped create your problem.

Ask yourself these questions

1. Do you get too excited too quickly?

2. During sexual exploration in your young years, were you fearful of getting caught, and thus you learned to rush things? (Remember the back seat of the car or the living room couch while her parents were out of the house?)

3. Were your early experiences with a prostitute who encouraged you? to hurry?

4. Were you trying to "perform" for the woman, trying to get it "right?"

5. Do you feel guilty about masturbation and sex in general?

Deeper psychological causes of coming too quickly.

1. Antisexual Information from Childhood. I have found that a most destructive factor in an individual's sexual personality is religious orthodoxy and the antisexual messages given by it.

2. Family Scarring. A humorous definition of parenting is "passing mental illness to the next generation."

3. Relationship Factors. Are other nonsexual issues with your partner invading the bedroom? Is there an inability to communicate with your partner about sexual issues, fantasies, and preferences?

While counseling is recommended for a variety of deeper concerns, and insight is helpful in understanding the basis for some of the possible causes of your difficulty, in this instance you will have to deal with your symptom directly in order to gain control. And, you will be able to gain awareness and control and experience a natural, easy enjoyment of intercourse, and you will be able to ejaculate when you choose.

Who is Dr. Kegel

Dr. Arnold Kegel, a gynecologist, developed exercises known, not surprisingly, as Kegel Exercises. They were designed for women, to help them strengthen the vaginal muscular contractions and improve their sense of self-awareness. Many women have found them to be helpful in improving their sexual enjoyment.

These exercises are easily adapted to men and should provide a similar strengthening of pelvic muscles and awareness of sensation in the genital area. The muscle I am speaking of is that muscle you use to stop the flow of urine. Try urinating and stopping the flow. Note that it is not the same muscle you use to tighten your anus.

Now that you have identified this muscle, the exercise is to contract it firmly for one or two seconds and then release it. This is repeated in a series of ten contractions several times a day for maximum results. Do it! It will make a difference.

How to get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice!

You will need to gain full sexual sensory awareness. This will be accomplished by a series of exercises which you will practice, first alone and then with your partner.

Our goal is not to reduce the sensitivity, but to prolong the enjoyable sensations and learn to stay aware and in control while being highly aroused. Isn't that what you and your partner want, too? The method we will use was first described in 1956 by urologist, Dr. James Semans. “The Stop-Start technique”

The Stop-Start technique
Nine steps to gaining full sexual sensory awareness:

1. Focus
2. Stop-Start
3. Wet Stop-Start
4. Slow-Fast
5. Staying Aroused
6. Hello, Partner
7. Quiet Vagina
8. The "T- Position"
9. Just a little bit slower


Step 1

Focus
Masturbation is the first key to success.

1. Find a comfortable place and time so that you will not be disturbed.

2. Allow plenty of time so that you can relax and attend to yourself only.

3. Begin to masturbate in your usual manner, whatever way that might be. Some men stroke the penis up and down. Some rub the penis on the bed, between the thighs, or between pillows. Some lie in bed on their back, side, or stomach. Some stand or sit, or do it in the shower. They use a light or firm stroke, stroking just the tip or the whole shaft. Some use a vibrator, other devices or lubricants for a variety of stimulations. Do it your way.

4. Now, slow the process just a little, and try to focus on the pleasurable sensations in your penis as you stimulate yourself and as your excitement rises. With your "mind's eye", try to pay attention to what it feels like just before you come (at the "point of no return"). Let go and enjoy your orgasm. That's it for today. Do not masturbate again today.


Step 2

Stop-Start
A day or two later, masturbate again under the same relaxed conditions. This time, regardless of what your usual way is, use just your hand.

1. Begin stimulation.

2. Stop stimulating yourself when you reach a high level of arousal, near ejaculation. Stop for a few seconds only but not long enough to lose your erection.

3. Then start stroking the shaft and the tip of the penis again. Interrupt this process three times, each time your arousal gets high. Let yourself come on the fourth time as freely as you can.
4. During this exercise, try to concentrate on the pleasurable feeling of your penis during excitement. Do not try to hold back your ejaculation. Simply try to find a point of high arousal.

5. Repeat this exercise at least every two or three days until you become familiar with the sensations of pleasure and rising arousal. This is the beginning of learning to control your ejaculation. It may take some time.

6. Do not progress to the next step until you are in touch with the sensations that you are receiving during masturbation. Each man is different, and I cannot predict how long this process will take.


Step 3

Wet Stop-Start
Only when you have acquired mastery of Step 2 should you go on.

This next step is exactly the same, except that you are to use a lubricant on your penis. Use a water-soluble, liquid lubricant. Check with your therapist or pharmacist for suggestions. Never use Vaseline or any petroleum-based product for sexual purposes. The purpose of this step is to simulate the moistness of the vagina.

Begin to masturbate using the directions from Step 2. Only when you are able to last for about three minutes before you stop, are you ready for the next step. This is not an exact measurement. Again, the main concern is to be able to concentrate on the feeling of pleasure and not the time involved. With patience, you will get a sense of the time.


Step 4

Slow-Fast

This is the same as Step 3, except that, instead of stopping when you reach a high arousal level, you are just to slow down the pace of your stroking. Remember to use a lubricant. At first you may have to slow almost to a stop before you gain control, but after a few repetitions you will catch on and be able to vary your speed. This will be important when you enter your partner's vagina. You will eventually find that this technique is an important part, leading to successful intercourse.


Step 5

Staying Aroused

By this time, you will be much more familiar with the sensations you receive during masturbation. This step simply practices all you have learned and is designed to allow you to enjoy your masturbation freely. At this point, you should now be able to employ FOCUS, STOP-START, WET STOP-START, and SLOW-FAST, all according to your own desires. Practice these until you are comfortable with all the variations. Regular masturbation is the healthiest way to learn expertise. I suggest doing the exercises at least two or three times a week. And remember, no intercourse just yet.


Step 6

Hello, Partner

Hopefully, you have discussed this program with your partner. It is important that she understand that you are engaging in a structured process that will eventually lead to greater sexual pleasure for both of you. Now is the time for her direct involvement.

It is most important to set the sexual scene so that it is relaxed and uninterrupted. No TV, no telephone, no kids. Shower together and get into bed with the lights on low.

1. Begin your usual kissing and caressing until you have an erection.

2. When you are erect, your partner should begin to masturbate you. At this point, you are not to return her caresses but simply enjoy the stimulation you are receiving, and you are to focus on those sensations.

3. When you are highly aroused, but before you get to the "point of no return" (you now know what that feels like from previous steps), ask her to stop.

4. When you feel in control again, have her start stimulating you again. Repeat this procedure three times and then freely ejaculate.

5. Practice this step at least two or three times a week, until you feel confident that you are gaining control with her hand. Then repeat this step using lubricant. Again, practice at least two or three times a week until control is achieved.

If during practice you continued stimulation too long and ejaculated, do not worry; you have not failed. You will learn control. It does take time.

Don't neglect your partner. Let her know that you are pleased to give her sexual attention with your hand, mouth, vibrator, or dildo, either before or after your orgasm, but continue to refrain from intercourse.


Step 7

Quite Vagina

After you have gained control during masturbation with your partner, it is time to learn to become aware of the sensations that occur during penetration.

1. Begin your sexual session as usual, and have her stimulate you until you are firmly erect but not too aroused.

2. Your partner will then sit astride you and insert your penis into her vagina. She sits quietly without moving, with your penis inside her. This will allow you to focus on the feeling of being contained within her.

3. Then, with your hands on her hips, gently guide her movement up and down to increase arousal, but have her stop movement before the "point of no return." Have her sit still until you calm down, but not to the point of losing an erection. Then begin again. Repeat this exercise twice and let yourself come on the third time.
Practice, practice!


Step 8

The "T-Position"

When you have gained control using the female above position, it is now time to try another one.

1. Following your usual foreplay, your partner will lie on her back with her legs open.

2. You will lie on your side (left or right) at approximately a 90-degree angle to her and position yourself so that you can penetrate her with your penis, adjusting both partners' legs in a comfortable position.

3. Begin with penetration and no movement. Then add movement, but stop before you are too highly aroused. Repeat this exercise twice and let yourself come on the third time.


Step 9

Just a little bit slower

After you have gained control by stopping before you get too highly aroused, you should now practice moving more slowly when the arousal gets high, rather than stopping. You will be able to do it.

You are at the point where further refinements may be discussed with your therapist or worked out on your own. When you get to this point, you have begun to find sexual intercourse a natural, relaxing, pleasurable, loving experience. Enjoy it. You are getting to know your body and its sensations. Practice, practice!

Why didn’t it work?

If you find that your control is not progressing as you hoped it would, there may be some ways that the program is being sabotaged. Here are a few of the possible reasons why you are having difficulty.

1. Have you really made a commitment to doing the program on a regular basis? Regularity is essential.

2. Are you getting anxious about failure? All learning includes trial and error. It takes time.

3. Are you rushing on to the next step before you have really mastered the current step? You are wasting your time and effort. This will only create more frustration. It took you a lifetime to get to this point Relax, learning takes time.

4. Are you still trying to hold back your ejaculation using the old habits that don't work? (Are you thinking about hockey?) Remember, we are seeking to increase awareness and enjoy, not distract.

5. Is your partner fully cooperative in the program? Does she want you to gain control? Does she want to have satisfying sex with you?

6. Are you providing loving sexual stimulation for your partner's satisfaction, either before or after your exercises? It is important that your program should not simply become a chore for her. Remember, sex is stimulating for her too, and there are ways to provide sexual pleasure other than intercourse.

7. Are some non-sexual aspects of your relationship interfering with your progress? Are you arguing about finances, the kids, housework?

8. Are either you or your partner making excuses for not doing the exercises? Are you bored with the program?

9. Do you really want to learn to change your behavior?

Your therapist is there to help you with this program and you are urged to stay in contact whenever there are questions.

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