Eddy M. Elmer: Difficulty with compliments

The difficulty with compliments

Eddy Elmer

The University of Toronto Varsity, 26 September 1996

Why is it that people have such difficulty taking compliments? I mean, it's not as if a compliment costs anything. It's free. No frills, no obligations, no coupons to fill out-nothing. Zip, zero, zilch. You won't get any mail afterwards coaxing you to purchase food processors, and breath freshener tablets, and garlic presses. You won't be pestered by telemarketers whose ultimate goal is to psychoanalyse your reasons for not wanting to change long distance carriers. And unlike free stuff you get at the local supermarket, a compliment won't give you indigestion three hours later.

A compliment, you see, is the epitome of all that is free in this world. And you'll see that people are more than willing to give them away! Yet alas, like everything in life, logic certainly doesn't prevail where it rightfully should.

"Jennifer," I say one day, eager to find the one recipient of my best compliment, "that new haircut really suits you." Jennifer's reply: "Please, I look like Cher." OK! Bang! Shoot me down, why don't you?

Yet my search doesn't end. "Hey Mike! Man, did I ever tell you that you're awesome? I mean, don't laugh or anything, but we'd just be lost without you at work!" Mike twitches, then replies, "Oh man, it's nothing. I'm just doing my job."

OK. Better than Jennifer's response, but not good enough. So I carry on. "Carol, you look really good in that outfit." Carol's response: "Oh, this old thing? It's my mother's. She got it on sale. Gawd, I'm so ugly I should kill myself."

Time to stop and ask, "What is wrong with these pictures?"

So I sit down on the bus and start to theorize about the dynamics of compliments. I come up with a few hunches.

One reason people can't take compliments is because they want them far too badly. In an attempt to extract your most creative flatteries, they deliberately slam you down after each compliment, hoping that guilt will slowly devour you and eventually force you to retort, "Oh no Jennifer, you don't look like Cher in a wind tunnel. You look like an Egyptian goddess sitting upon her throne, the bright sun shining betwixt her long, golden locks." No surprise that seconds afterwards, Jennifer replies, "Oh be quiet, silly, you're making me blush!"

On the other end, we have certain others who aren't as conniving and truly are oblivious to the idea of a compliment. These people have hardly ever received compliments and the minute they get one, are so shocked they don't even know what to do with themselves. For instance, Mike, a really good guy who gets few compliments because he doesn't let people get to know him, finally gets a compliment and immediately panics, sharply attuned to the possibility of carnal designs.

Between the two extremes, we have those who can't take compliments because they absolutely refuse to allow positive feedback into their lives. These people have a tendency to dress in black, engage in secret rituals with household appliances, and eventually commit themselves to either a mental institution or to working on Bob Dole's campaign.

But not to fret, I tell myself. I'll keep giving compliments where they are due. I mean, one day the Jennifers of the world will get a part on the Young and the Restless and have all the attention in the world. The Mikes will eventually get girlfriends to confirm their manliness. And the Carols, well, what can I say? There's always Valium.

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Eddy M. Elmer