Lee's (1973) Love Styles

Eddy Elmer, University of Toronto

Background and context

Lee's six styles are best understood in a historical context. This historical context emerges from three broader conceptualisations of love:

Three broad conceptual dichotomies of love

Idealism vs. Realism: a general concept of life; realist believes that love is part of the natural order of things, that it easily and neatly fits into the general scheme of human existence, that sex is a natural part of life and thus good; idealist believes in love in terms of certain idealised goals which should be attained (e.g. Plato's concept of love); idealists often believe sex is dirty, or sacred, etc.; the idealist's ideals help give order, structure, and meaning to life

Merging vs. Wedding: wedding refers to a close association between two people involving a joining of their finances, interactions, daily living activities, etc.; merging is greater, and refers to two people becoming one, in which both lose their individual identities to create one new identity

Appraisal vs. Bestowal: appraisal means determining the value of a person based on his/her characteristics; bestowal refers to the giving of love to another person, which creates new value of the receiver; bestowal is usually, but not necessarily, based on prior appraisal

Historical conceptions of love

the above three dichotomies are useful in understanding the 5 major concepts of love presented throughout history:

Eros: began with Plato, who defined love as desire for possession of that which is good and/or beautiful, and we can find this in people (so people actually become means to an end instead of an end in themselves); this concept is based on APPRAISAL (one is loveable only if s/he possesses the "good" Platonic ideals); bestowal has no place in this context; in essence, there was no focus on other people, only on higher ideals; in contemporary times this is akin to elements of passionate love

Philia: AKA friendship love; arose from Aristotle, who believed object of love is useful and good, and from these characteristics comes a specific type of friendship; in Christian times, this usually manifested itself in Christian brotherhood (in contemporary times, akin to concept of friendship as basis for solid marriage)

Nomos: derived from pre-Christian Jewish thinking; in Christian era, refers to devotion to God and subjugation of the will and presentation of the self before God, the only object worthy of one's love; in modern times, object is often seen as another human; this is an idealistic view

Agape: divine bestowal of love; is a completely selfless, altruistic, unconditional bestowal of God's love on all that exists; negates appraisal; God's Agape cannot be earned

The Caritas Synthesis: each concept by itself was too restrictive, and so St. Augustine and St. Thomas merged Eros and Agape into the Caritas Synthesis, which presented a new idealised relationship between humans and God, God and humans, and how humans should love God; problem: mentions little about love between humans (in essence, human love was still to be subordinated to God's love; note that it was considered adultery if one's love centred too much on one's partner, since such love detracted from the love to be given to God); this concept was much favoured by Church for a long time

after the Caritas Synthesis came two major movements, Courtly Love and Romanticism, which allowed for love between humans; after this came the Victorian era

Courtly Love

began about 12^th century A.D. with troubadours
love in sense of Caritas Synthesis became love in sense of humans
human needs (for companionship, sexuality, etc.) were not met by Church's concept of love (Caritas Synthesis)
under courtly love: human sexuality was considered an ideal to be strove for; love gave human beings value as humans; love had rules; love was related to courtship rituals; love was seen as something intense that established a spiritual unity between man and woman; this followed concept of merging
the courting male strove to be perfect for an idealised woman; it was the ideal of love that was important, not the marriage or sex
lady was very idealised, and courting often occurred when she wasn't present!
the lady was not considered a real person per se, but an ideal (i.e. she was substitute for God in context of Caritas Synthesis)

Romanticism

courtly love led to romanticism (late 18^th, early 19^th centuries)
it was a development of courtly love; relationships between man and woman became more defined; idea of similarity became important
intense focus on the FEELING of love (opposed to courtly love's emphasis on proper behaviour)
in essence, focus was on love itself; love was the ideal to be strove for (opposed to the lady, who the love object representing God)
sexual love became more and more of an ideal to be strove for
greater emphasis on unity of man and woman into one
sex was seen as way of cementing the bond between man and woman, and it was believed that in doing so, the couple would be fulfilling divine responsibility to God
Courtly Love very concerned with manners and decorous behaviour; many disliked what they saw as the moral falsity of women
Romanticism was felt to be too emotional and focused too much on love as an ideal

The Victorian Era (1830-1900)

industrial revolution and introduction of market economy led to daily separation of men and women, which eventually led stereotypes about men and women (i.e. women were the weaker sex, of delicate mind); women became seen as inferior, as passive property; men had hard time loving something inferior; women became seen as nonresponsive partners in terms of sex --- men believed they had to take the lead, win over the lady, who was often ambivalent emotionally, etc.
women even considered NONsexual beings; sex discussion was taboo and led to repression; lack of communication led to loneliness
in general, Victorian era considered too restrictive

Modern conceptualisations of love and Lee's Love Styles

c.f. Lee, J.A. (1988). Love-styles. In R.J. Sternberg & M.L. Barnes (Eds.), The psychology of love (pp. 38-67). New Haven, CT: Yale University Press

according to Lees, contemporary research has delineated six different love styles

Eros: passionate love; Eros lover places much value on love (not obsession, though). knows what physical features s/he likes in a partner, gets involved on many levels upon meeting a suitable match, becomes sexually involved pretty quickly; Eros love leads to intense focus on partner and shares all of him/herself with partner; Eros lover doesn't push, but allows for relationship development; Eros lover has high self-confidence and self-esteem

Ludus: game-playing love; love and sex is seen only as fun, an activity, a diversion; Ludic lovers move from partner to partner and often have several at a time; but Ludic lovers do not wish to hurt anyone --- only to enjoy life, and with other people

Storge: friendship love, brotherly love; very strong affection; not very exciting or passionate; storge relationships are strong, secure, in which both partners are similar and share values, etc.; this type of love focuses on long-term commitment, as opposed to short-term pleasure; thus, it places less emphasis on passion, lust, and sex

Pragma: very practical love, often for evolutionary and economic purposes; pragma lovers evaluate potential mates very carefully; pragma lovers place more emphasis on suitable mate than on passion, pleasure; conditions are often involved

Mania: manic love; has many passionate love (Eros) qualities, but is much more turbulent and ambivalent; manic lover yearns for love, but is very jealous, doubtful, etc.; manic lovers attempt to force commitment from partners, but this leads to relationship dissolution and grief for the manic lover

Agape: altruistic, unconditional; return in kind not important; less emphasis on passion and sexuality; very rare

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Eddy M. Elmer