Black Hole: From Bitterness to Blessing?

My parents were poor immigrants when they arrived in Canada. When my dad was around thirteen or so, he was sent from China to what was then British Guyana, to work for some relatives. My dad did well in school, but in a fit of jealousy, my grandfather decided to pull him out of school (I think he was fifteen then). My mom spent her youth doing hard labour on a farm in China; she had very little schooling. Shortly after the war began, her parents sent her off to a place she'd never heard of to meet a man she'd never met before. My mom and dad were shortly married after that. That's how our dysfunctional family began ...

It should come as no surprise then, that when I was young, my parents encouraged me to study diligently so that I could have a better life. And so my life proceeded rather uneventfully until I hit university, when I began to be overwhelmed by the big questions of life. (Read more here ...)

Though I had a natural ability and affinity for math and the sciences, a big part of me is just as interested in the arts and humanities. However, for pragmatic reasons and because of parental influence, I chose to study engineering. That's probably why even to this day, despite being a geek who loves computers and such, part of me is very restless and would rather be holed up somewhere reading theology, literature, philosophy, history, etc. But hey, one has to make $$$ right? So engineering it was for me ...

Anyhow, I became a Christian during my last year of university. When I graduated, I was fortunate to land a job with a small but growing company. Sounds like a pretty good career opportunity indeed. However, as a new believer, I was so spiritually hungry that most of my time was spent in "spiritual" activities. Besides, why work so hard when the Lord could return any moment? (You have to understand that as a new believer, I had come under the pernicious teachings of Hal Lindsey, the influential popularizer of dispensationalism).

And so as a result of my warped theology, my career ambitions were next to non-existent. Not surprisingly, I was laid off from my first job. Instead of aggressively pursuing another job, I took 6 months off to "serve the Lord" and be more involved with church activities. Eventually I took a job up north to fill a teaching position at a college. After a term doing that, I accepted a job at a company that I left just before its executives were being investigated for all manner of corporate crime. There followed a string of other short-term jobs until I secured a job with the now defunct Canadian Airlines. This was my longest stint with any company, but I left out of frustration (long story). My colleague who stuck it out is now the CTO of Air Canada.

What does a man acquire from all his physical labor and mental turmoil with which he toils on earth? Simply this: All day long his work produces pain and frustration; and even at night his mind cannot relax! This also is fruitless!

There is nothing better for a man than to eat and drink, and for him to find enjoyment in his work. I also perceived that this ability to find enjoyment is a sovereign gift of God. For no one can eat and drink or experience joy apart from him.

Ecclesiastes 2:22-25 (NET)

Anyhow, I didn't really have a clear career path in my mind, as my dream was that some rich Christian would donate a ton of money to me and I would get out of the rat race to study theology and just serve the Lord. In the meantime, computer technology was changing rapidly, and with an attitude like mine, I was scarcely keeping up with the constant changes. However, I was actually good enough at what I did that I was able to learn what I needed to know to do my job. However, there were many steps I could have taken to ensure career growth; but I didn't take them because it'd be "unspiritual" to be thinking about making more $$$. On this note, my view of stewardship somehow didn't take much interest in investment (stocks, real estate and all that "worldly crap"). Instead I sought refuge amongst the "simple living" advocates and decided to pursue a minimalist approach to material comforts.

Anyhow, instead of building my career, most of my time and energy was spent on building my theological library, or building up the saints at my church. I seemed to be content with mediocrity when it came to my career. In short, I was guilty of a warped sacred/secular mentality that I myself criticized of others! Indeed, pride played a role as well: look at those other Christians, especially the wealthy ones, all they do is work and pursue material things. Thank God I'm not like them; I'm way more spiritual: I live a frugal existence and spend my time studying the Bible. Yeah, I'm laying up treasures in Heaven.

Ever since I got saved, there was a recurring desire to go study at seminary and then serve the Lord "full-time" in some capacity that I wasn't clear about. (Of course, at the time, I was already serving him full-time, especially considering the hours I spent in studying the Bible, and serving in church ministries.) However, if you know my particular views of church and ministry, I could never be part of the "clerical profession".

Some say to me: well you're lucky, you're married to a doctor. Well, listen bud, you have no idea what you're talking about. Yes, my wife is a physician. But she too, shares a similiar outlook on life. She's even less materialistic then I am! So, instead of setting up her own practice and getting rich, she would do locums or work for a hospital, not exactly the ticket to riches. Some of the "consultants" working in the computer field make more than she does! (Despite her over 10 years of university training). And as if that wasn't bad enough, she goes and takes several sabbaticals and pays her way to work for free in Nepal and Africa!

In short, my work, family life and church activities seemed disconnected from each other. I lacked an integrated and wholistic vision/practice of the Christian life in all its fullness and richness. I was living a fragmented existence, and it was starting to bother me.

I cried because I did not have an office with a door, until I met a man who had no cubicle.
- Dilbert, in Scott Adams, The Joy of Work

By working faithfully for eight hours a day you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
- Robert Frost, cited in Ernie Zeklinski, The Joy of Not Working

Then last year, an older brother named Ralph advised me that we should be thankful for the specific talents God has given us to do meaningful work and get paid for it. He said we should make all the $$$ we can (without sacrificing our families of course) and use it to further God's kingdom.

I began to see how I've spent my whole Christian life dreaming about what I could be doing instead of just faithfully doing what was at hand. I had failed to grasp creation theology as well as the cosmic aspect of Christ's redemptive victory. Reading and dialoging with others resulted in a shift in my thinking. I began to see my career in a more positive light.

We can, I believe, conclude ... that the church is not something separate from marriage, family and work. Rather, the church is the people of God living and impacting in and through these key creation spheres. God did not create a special, separate thing and call it 'the church'. He created a body, the head of which is Christ, which would encompass and become the completion of the created order.

James Thwaites, The Church - Emerging to Answer the Cry of Creation

Then God gave me my new job - and the harsh reality of it initially depressed me for almost a month. My pay was the same as almost 7 years ago. Meanwhile the company pays some dork $80-$100 an hour for pushing paper around. The person whom I hired 3 years ago is now my manager. Much of the work is menial. I have to be on 7x24 pager duty. I work long hours into the wee hours of the night. It is a high stress, high demand job. At the end of the day I scarcely have any time or energy for anything else. As I write, my wife is less than 2 weeks away from taking an extended sabbatical to tackle another "challenge". Why Lord? Why do other Christians have it so easy? In no time at all, I was consumed by bitterness, anger, frustration and depression.

Well, after listening to my non-stop whining and b**ching, my wife reminded me that my lot was not much different from many other people. And that now I would be able to sympathize more with others who are struggling to make ends meet. Indeed, as I stopped whining long enough to talk with some of my colleagues, I discovered one guy just went through a divorce and he only gets to see his little daughter every other weekend. Another is struggling to juggle her work with running a household with two young boys. Suddenly I didn't feel like complaining anymore.

As well, I had been in discussion with a group of Christians concerning Art, who was recently forced to return home, leaving his studies at Regent College unfinished. After much prayerful reflection, Art finally decided to go back to engineering. I am glad because I think he made the right decision. Don't get me wrong: I think Art is a godly and gifted brother with a shepherd heart. However, as he himself realized, he just wouldn't be able to survive the politics of the Clerical System that we've inherited from centuries of tradition. (In a church governed according to NT principles, I think Art would fit in naturally as one of the pastors/elders/overseers.) I think he makes an insightful comment (one of many actually) in a recent e-mail exchange:

How much ministry can you really do if you have a full-time job?

[Art] This question makes sense if you conceive of ministry as primarily a human activity. Then indeed having a full time job hampers your effectiveness. For some time I've been operating on a different model: The kingdom of God grows and spiritual power is released into the world when an individual Christian listens to God and obeys Him in a given situation.

[Paul] My take is that ministry is not confined to traditional pastoral ministry, or service in the church. I believe God calls us all to be ministers in the everyday and ordinary calling of life. (I will refrain from quoting Paul Stevens, Robert Banks, and Charles Ringma here ;-)

Just a few days ago, I came across this in my reading:

So why is my career going backward? Why this crappy job? This is what God is trying to teach me: to get out of my Christian ghetto existence and engage all of creation, including work. It is too easy to sit home, read books and then pontificate about suffering or community. I need to rub shoulders with all the other grunts out there, struggling to find meaning in their work, their marriage, and their lives. So my calling is not to another church buzz-phrase ("marketplace ministry"), but to life/creation itself, in all its splendor, sadness and suffering. And not only that, but He had to reveal to me the envy, ingratitude, anxiety, lack of faith, and other ugly things in my heart.

So as I reflect on my life at this critical juncture, I wish mature Christians were around earlier in my career to give me sound advice (at least my sons can learn from my mistakes). I wish I was more balanced. But I can't look back. For the present, I'm reasonably happy with what God has called me to do. The geek in me easily finds the technical aspects of work exciting. But the "artsy fartsy" in me longs for more time to pursue the things of the heart and spirit. I just hope equilibrium comes soon!

It feels so good to breathe the air
Another spin around the sun
On this speck of life
In the universe
The gift of love
Is there for everyone

Ain't it good to be alive?
Ain't it good to be alive?

- Edwin, "Alive"

At the end of every hard earned day
people find some reason to believe

- Bruce Springsteen, "Reason to Believe"