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Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels
I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through
Looking into their eyes I see them running tooRunning on-running on empty
Running on-running blind
Running on-running into the sun
But I'm running behindJackson Browne, Running on Empty
I've already shared my conversion story elsewhere, so I won't repeat it here. You should read it to get some idea of where I'm coming from. Here, I shall attempt to fill in some gaps where I think they're relevant.
Growing up as an Asian, I struggled at times to find acceptance amidst subtle and sometimes hostile racism. Though I quickly assimilated the Western culture around me (to the point of almost losing my roots, or so my parents feared), I was always reminded of my "otherness". However, I tried not to get absorbed with this, and instead, I redoubled my efforts at school to make friends.
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My first experience of church came one summer when my parents, concerned that my siblings and I were losing our heritage, sent us off to Chinese classes being held at a church. Well, it was a package deal, for not only did I have to endure the language lesson, but I also had to attend the Sunday School, and the worship service. I don't remember much about Sunday School - other than rambunctious kids - but I do remember the worship meeting. I remember the stained glass windows and religious art; the hard pews that hurt my butt after awhile; the funny outfit that the preacher wore, all black except for the white collar; and the sombre, funeral-like atmosphere. Sitting with strangers around me, I felt very alone. |
Though we were not that close of a family (like most Asian families at the time, there were no explicit expressions or displays of affection) I felt relatively secure and happy. However, as I neared the end of my high school years, things began to unravel. Without going into all the details, our family increasingly became engulfed in conflict, mistrust, and alienation.
There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned?
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.Supertramp, Logical Song
At the same time, my reading exposed me to the terrible and tragic episodes in human history, including all the evil done in the name of God. Between the turmoil at home and the turbulence in the world, I became very disillusioned and depressed. I felt no sense of connection to anyone or anything, and yet I hungered to belong, to find security and significance in the vast void of the cosmos. I was homeless and homesick. "I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels ..."