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When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
And I have become comfortably numb.Pink Floyd, Comfortably Numb
Having found Christ (or should I say, having been found by Him), I was filled with a desire to serve Him. I felt so elated and excited, "so alive for the very first time" as the band P.O.D. puts it. However, the problem was that right from the start, I felt out of place in church.
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For one thing, the church life I was experiencing didn't seem to jive with the dynamic story I read in the book of Acts. (Yes, I'm aware of the danger of romanticizing the biblical account of the early church in a simplistic, idealistic manner.) I found the "worship service" very rigid and pre-programmed, down to the very songs we were going to sing. The choir seemed so "stiff" and polished. The preaching came across sanctimonious and forced. I felt I was in a theatre watching a performance. |
Secondly, not too many people made any attempt to know me as a new believer and member. Even after my baptism, very few people came up to me to offer words of encouragement. Despite my regular attendance at most of the meetings (including Sunday School, Sunday evenings and Wed. night Bible study and fellowship), I never really was able to connect with anyone, to feel welcome and part of "the family". The church library eventually became my "refuge" ...
I was one of the few Asians in this church, and though I never sensed any racism at all, I still wondered whether this "otherness" was why I felt like an "outsider". In frustration, I left that church after 2 years when a high school friend invited me to visit her church.
Well, this church had a much younger membership, and seemed geared towards "bananas" (westernized Asians) like me. And indeed, I did feel more welcome and accepted. However, I soon discovered that the church's focus was "entertainment evangelism", and that biblical teaching was secondary (and sub-standard!). As a result, I felt a lot of tension, because I was dying from the steady diet of shallow teaching I was receiving, and yet I was enjoying all the fun I was having there. Just before leaving that church, in the course of my reading, I stumbled across an autobiography of George Mueller that would lead me to my next church experience, amongst the "Brethren".
My involvement with the Brethren showed me how entrenched dogmatism and traditions can become in the life of a church. And I also observed the attempt to manufacture a superfical sense of unity and community based on rigid conformity. Indeed, to dare question any of the Brethren's sacred cows is to find yourself cut off and shunned, even by so-called "friends".
And so it was, that I suddenly found myself in another "search for church". But I was getting fed up by this point. Maybe the problem is with me I thought. But was it wrong to expect that the church should be like a family as the NT teaches? Why can't Christians honestly ask questions and strive to learn together? I'm NOT looking for a "perfect church", just a group of believers who were commited to genuine Christian love and community, and lived it out. Was I too naive and idealistic? Can you say "cognitive dissonance"?
Before long, I gave up on church. I no longer cared. I decided all this talk of love, and church as a loving family of brothers and sisters sounded nice in theory, but doesn't work in practice.
A winter's day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone
...
I am a rock,
I am an islandI've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain
I am a rock
I am an islandDon't talk of love
Well I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock
I am an islandI have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock
I am an islandAnd a rock feels no pain
And an island never criesSimon & Garfunkel, I Am a Rock