[Father Murphy's Ass]
[Cat Haiku]
[Dogs and Computers]
[Oh Oh Burglar]
[Rules for Dogs]
Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish. He asked for suggestions on how to raise money for his church and was told horse-owners always have money, so he went to a horse auction where he accidentally bought a donkey, a rather poor move for someone wishing to be a horse owner.
He decided to enter it in a race anyway and, to everyone's surprise it came third in the race, and the newspapers ran a headline the next morning which read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS
The archbishop saw the paper and was greatly displeased.
The next day the donkey ran again and came in first and the headline read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Archbishop was up in arms and felt something ought to be done because the next day Father Murphy entered the donkey in another race and it came in second, provoking the headline:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE
The Archbishop thought this was just too much, so he cancelled all further races for the donkey. The newspaper found out about this and ran the headline:
ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS
Finally, in desperation, the Archbishop ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. Beings unable to sell it, he gave it to Sister Agatha as a pet. When the Archbishop heard of this he odered her to get rid of the beast at once. She sold it for only $10 and the next day the headline read:
SISTER AGATHA PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS
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You never feed me. |
You must scratch me there! |
The rule for today |
In deep sleep hear sound |
Grace personified. |
Blur of motion, then -- |
The mighty hunter |
You're always typing. |
My small cardboard box. |
Terrible battle. |
Kitty likes plastic |
Small brave carnivores |
I want to be close |
Wanna go outside. |
Oh no! Big One |
Humans are so strange. |
Cats meow out of angst |
Litter box not here |
The Big Ones snore now |
We're almost equals |
Unbelievable. |
It's been seven days |
You always get up |
It's three hours till dawn |
I don't like water |
Forbidden counters |
Up on the counter |
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20) Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17) Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16) Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11) Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10) Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8) 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6) SmellYou-SmellMe still in beta test.
5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
... and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1) Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.
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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
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NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that’s placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans...so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry... Eat a shoe.
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