Computer and Work Jokes

GirlFriend Problems

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies can be run with GirlFriend and won’t crash, if you run GirlFriend in DrinkingBuddies emulation mode with the sound turned off. Unfortunately the DrinkingBuddies emulation for GirlFriend never seems to work, and I’m embarrassed to say that I can’t find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately and it works okay.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0 but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems I consulted a friend who has experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right, as soon as I purged my cache, GirlFriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I booted it up it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but I didn’t realize that GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature which automatically detects the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and uninstalls itself then shuts the system down.

The version I have now works pretty well, but like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can’t understand much less reprogram. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts, and I never have liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented".

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a terminate-and-stay-resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0, so he did. Soon after that he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn’t ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can’t turn off.

Now he is worried about the FreeSexPlus, because he has heard that it sometimes generates a permanent pop-up called OffSpring which acts very much like a virus but is actually part of the package. OffSpring apparently consumes major system resources just to produce cutesy messages, and only after major customization effort can you make it do anything useful, if it doesn’t crash your system first.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway because of insufficient resources.

How to Screw Up a Job Interview

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. Here's what top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations said are their weirdest stories of behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

How to install software

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS

2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership 20 Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's dresser drawers if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light, finders keepers, losers weepers....

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:

+------+ +------+
| YES | | SURE |
+------+ +------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.

At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, and sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@*^)$*!#$_$*^

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and wait on the line for several hours, or for faster service, call our special premium toll number and give us the numbers and expiration dates of all your credit cards, and we will let you talk to a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.