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The Motherlode

Monday May 12, 2003 12:38 AM

After dinner tonight, satiated with Andrew’s barbeque, sweet corn on the cob, and a chocolate souffle made by Michael and Grace -- the entire family simultaneously gravitated to the persian carpet on our livingroom floor.

There, stretched out head-to-head, we groaned and laughed with the sheer pleasure of the meal and of each other’s company. The basset, of course, had to join in the fray, squishing his elongated body in amongst ours. His velvety ears, wet nose and slurpy tongue only accentuated that he was part and parcel of this crazy family.

I confess that after this extraordinary Mother’s Day, I found the beginning and the ends much more pleasant than my own injected angst in the middle.

I awoke this morning to a distant hum of Grace in the kitchen. When my daughter is humming, I instantly know that all is right with the world. Shortly afterwards, she arrived in our bedroom. Her face was beaming as she proudly carried a tray of fruit salad and toast with cream cheese for me. Andrew followed with coffee. The boys soon arrived with overflowing baskets of fuscia and petunia plants, cards and drawings. I sighed with deep contentment.

We decided to forego church service and spend the day outside in the backyard. Somehow, I don’t think that God would have minded that we remembered him by enjoying his creation.

Worship has always been an act that surpasses the confines of a building and spills over into the essence of always remembering God’s faithfulness. Someone sent me this quote which seems to say it best: "The highest level of prayer is not a prayer for anything. It is a deep profound silence, in which we allow ourselves to be still and know Him. In that silence, our hearts and minds are illuminated."


Somehow, Andrew and I got into an overblown barney discussing the colour to paint the bathroom. You know it was just a little nothing of a thing that, under normal circumstances, would have led to mutual negotiation and pleasant resolution. But magnified by the backdrop of Andrew’s cancer, I said things in the heat of the moment that I shall always regret. I have quite a knack for temporarily losing my sanity these past few months.

Eventually, the strong hand of love drew me back. Back to Andrew and his calm strength. Back to the kids who display such care beyond their years. And back from the brink of my own despair. A little later, Andrew suggested that the best thing I could do on Mother’s Day afternoon would be to take an nap. As usual he was right.

The other day, David and I were driving home from his friend’s house. He started talking about the car he was going to personally design for me when he grew up. It had to have three doors on each side to accomodate all the kids. And it had to have windshield wipers on the side windows. He decided to call it, “The Motherlode”.

A deep love bubbled up inside me for this child of mine. In his own way, he senses all that I am carrying right now and tries to find ways to help me see that I don’t have to hold it all together by myself. Thank you David.

Andrew continues to remain relatively healthy. His oncologist said he is looking better now than when we left for Australia. Andrew has decreased his steroid dosage to 2mg. a day and that seems to be keeping the nasty headaches at bay. We attribute Andrew’s stability directly to the prayers of hundreds of people all over the world, many of whom we have never met. Thank you. God is at work in our midst.

That’s about it for today. From the heart of the Motherlode, I send you my sincere thanks for all you are doing for us.

Judy



 


 

 

The Great Mess

Monday May 05, 2003 09:16 AM

I picked up a friend from the airport on Friday morning. Who would guess that inside this tall, unassuming, award winning landscape designer was a cross between Woody Allen and John Cusak rolled into one?

Reinier had come to visit us for the weekend. He was Andrew’s best man and the two guys hadn't seen each other since our wedding 14 years ago.

While enjoying a fresh salmon dinner, Reinier had us all in stitches as he uproariously appreciated every one of the kids jokes and then challenged us all with a few new tongue twisters. Try saying this one really fast: “One smart fellow he felt smart. Two smart fellows they felt smart.” It was so good to see Michael laughing so hard he nearly fell off his chair.

David was delighted to finally have someone come over who understood the finer nuances of hockey. Reinier allowed David to practice slapshots against him in the basement. It was great just watching the two of them do the victory march after the Canucks triumphed over the Minnesota Wild 3 - 2 in overtime. David thinks Reinier came over especially for his benefit.

Later on, Reinier regaled Andrew and I with his rendition of the classic Woody Allen act, “I shot a moose once” (for the whole story see: http://www.silvers.org/humor/woodyallen.html).

We met Reinier when we were working for a Christian service organization in the rainforests of Belize many years ago. He is a kindred spirit and we so appreciated the way he significantly lifted the level of fun and laughter in the home throughout the weekend. There is a great deal to be said for the healing power of humour.

In church on Sunday morning, I realized I finally needed glasses. As I was singing the worship song, I’m sure I read, “yours, O Lord, is the great mess...” Upon proofreading, I realized it was, “yours, O Lord, is the greatness...”

Ironic perhaps, but maybe The Great Mess sums it up for the moment. On the outward, all the things that are happening to us seem one unfathomable, intangible mess.

For all the raucous joy unleashed, I still went to bed last night with immeasurable sadness listening to the rhythm of Andrew’s gentle snores. I’m torn between wanting to hear his breathfalls, reassuring me he is still there, and my need to put in the earplugs so I can fall asleep. Concurrently, I feel so close to my husband and yet so far away. Just a mess.

I thank God he is still greater than the mess. Thank God for the peace which returns. Thank God for Reinier. Thank God for the gurgles of joy that erupt in the midst of the mess.

Judy
 

 

Fellow Pilgrims on the Journey

Thursday May 01, 2003 12:39 PM

Yesterday an article, written by Don Martin, was published in the Calgary Herald about Andrew. Many people wrote us about the challenges they face and how they took courage from Andrew’s story. I wanted to share a few excerpts from these letters which so greatly encouraged us. “We are pilgrims on a journey. We are travelers on the road. We are here to help each other walk the mile and bear the load.”
 

Even though I don't have a terminal disease, I still believe (and my belief was reinforced after reading the newspaper article and then looking around your website) that it's important to tell those around you how much you love and care about them. I never realized that this was an important thing. I'm only 18 years old. Death seems so far away. But it really isn't. (From Vanessa)

I read the article in today's Herald and also went into your website. Your incredible story, as well as your courage, strength, and love for each other and your family made me weep. I am 36 years old, the mother of 2, and was just diagnosed with CML, a type of leukemia. My husband says my challenge is similar to climbing Mt. Everest, except with the medications they have now, I have the best sherpas and equipment. And the sky is clear and sunny. Andrew, from what I read about you and your beautiful, strong family, and your belief in God, you also have the best sherpas and tools as you embark upon your difficult climb. (From Karin)

After reading "Squeezing joy from each day" yesterday in the Herald I knew I had to go to the website and find your e-mail address; and now today after reading your daily journals on the website, I want to say "Thank You" - I feel like a saved starfish today. Getting through life is a challenge everyday, knowing people with cancer, wanting to do something, to "be there" for them, etc., etc. Your writings have shown me that we all just need love, friendship, daily routines, humor, understanding and prayers. (Gloria)

I lost a very dear girlfriend to Cancer in January 2002. I was one of the ones being thanked for doing the families laundry, cleaning and just being there on a daily basis. Virginia tried to keep a journal but just didn't have the energy to keep it up. The last entry in it was GOD BLESS YOU, CHERYL. I truly feel blessed being a part of Virginia's final journey. I have learned so much from her misfortune, her spirit was unbelievable. She often said she was at peace with God. I thought that Virginia was one of a kind, her strength, her faith, her smile and everything about her. In reading your story I realize that you are right up there. (From Cheryl)

I read about you in the Calgary Herald this morning, checked out your web site just now, I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and I will pray for you, I recognize so many of the things and feelings you are dealing with. I am also fighting the same battle, different, yet the same, a re-current prostate cancer. I am also young, vigorous and strong like you, maybe that is the secret?! Thank you for the starfish story, it made a difference for me too. (From Dag)

The timing of my exposure to your situation couldn't have happened at a more opportune moment.....you see I was feeling a bit of self pity (I have MS ) and your story brought a ray of light into my "pity-party" thus making me open my eyes to see the light of life which is prevalent if we only look for it!! It is folks like you that make those of us with "other" medical problems, to stop, look and listen at the sign on the road of life which states quite clearly that the road ahead is potholed but in fact, still there to travel!! (From Denny)
 

 

 

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