 Accounting
Advice
After Emerson
Airline Humor
Auto Accident Descr.
Cat and pills..
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Classroom Blunders
Company Policies
Computer wife
Doctors' notes
Why dogs ...
Epitaphs
Exams
Exercise
Global Gabble
Guys ...
Avoid getting hired
If no one ever marries..
Improved English
Incorrect Correction
|
Instructions
Income Tax
Limericks
Letter from camp
Letter from college
Letter to the IRS
Letters to the landlord
Loans
Music Students
Nagano
Navy Story
Pedigree
Preaching
Real Advertisments
Rumcake
Say it with flowers
Signs of our times
More 'Sign' Language
Snow!
Ssssnake!
|
Soapstory
Sounds familiar?
Student Bloopers
Technically challenged
Technical writers...
The fool
The owl
The Lion and Albert
The return of Albert
The truth about cats
Tired
Toddler's Miracle diet
TV -what we learn
Unscientific English
Letters to the Welfare
Walk a mile ...
What men really mean
Where were the editors?
Written Excuses
Home
e-mail
|
TO EXERCISE OR NOT TO EXERCISE ...
1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to
your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a
nursing home at $5,000 per month.
2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97
and we don't know where the heck she is.
3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to show up.
5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am
doing.
6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put
them further up our body.
7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.
11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my
glass.
NEW COMPANY POLICIES
SICKNESS AND RELATED SICK LEAVE DAYS:We will no longer accept a
doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the
doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee
here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing
anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a
breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should
be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases,
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of
the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require
at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room.
In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical
order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00
to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20
and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to
wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both
employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In
addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At
the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper
roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help
our employees better understand their paychecks:
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.22
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
| Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
| Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $12.09
Various $8.01
Net Take Home Pay $0.02 |
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input
should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day!
