Love,
Your Husband

More 'Sign' Language

On a Maternity Clothes Shop: "We are open on Labor Day."

In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food expensive."

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."







Unscientific English

In their essays, quizzes, test papers, and lab reports, students have taught their teachers that Gutenberg was the inventor of removable type, William Tell discovered the telephone, and Thomas Edison invented the pornograph. Arkwright invented a spinning machine, which he called a Spinny Jenny, after his wife. Later Samuel Crompton invented a similar machine, which he called a mule.

These inventive examples of science fiction and fantasy were concocted by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young (and not so young) Einsteins can create under the pressure of time and grades:

• Our new teacher told us all about fossils. Before she came to our class, I didn't know what a fossil looked like.

• Our biology class went out to explore the swamp and to collect little orgasms.

• A squid is sort of like a small jellyfish, except that it has ten to twelve testicles that hang down from its body.

• A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

• Americans throw away thousands of tons of food that some Asian child could be eating.

• The sun is a natural source of ultraviolet rays.

• The sun makes one resolution every 24 hours.

• Part of the problem in trying to control polulation in the Third World is that it is against the people's religion to use preservatives.

• Sex is not only having two people going to bed to get rid of their frustrations. It's what you get out of it. Sex can bring about trust and caring deeply for one another, which can create an endurable relationship.

• Isaac Newton passed the law of gravity.

• My aunt won't be having any more kids because her tubes are tired.

• A molecule is so small that it can't be seen by the naked observer.

• Extinct birds lay very few eggs.

• Without electricity we would still be in the dark ages.

• In biology today we digested a frog.

• Our heredity is determined by the number of jeans our mother and father gave us.

• The heart beats faster when you are younger, average when you are middle age, hardly at all when you are old, and not at all when you are dead.

• A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.

• The Body
  The human body is composed of three parts: the Brainium, the Borax and the Abominable Cavity. The Brainium contains the brain. The Borax contains the lungs, the liver, and the living things. The Abominable Cavity contains the bowels, of which threre are five: A, E, I, O, and U.

• Birds and Beasts
  The bird I am going to write about is the owl. The owl cannot see at all in the day and is blind as a bat at night. I do not know much about the owl so I will go on to the Beast which I am going to choose. It is the cow. The cow is a mammal and it is tame. It has six sides: right, left, fore, back, upper and below. At the back it has a tail in which is hanging a bush. With this is sends the flies away so they do not fall in the milk. The head is for the purpose of growing horns and so the mouth can be somewhere. They are to butt with. The mouth is to moo with.

  Under the cow hangs the milk. It is arranged for milking. When the people milk the cow the milk comes and there is never any end to the supply. How the cow does it I have not learned but it makes more and more.

  The man cow is called the ox. It is not a mammal. The cow does not eat much but what it eats it eats twice, so it gets enough. When it is hungry it moos and when it doesn't say anything it is because the insides is full of grass.

  The cow has a fine sense of smell and you can smell it far away. That is the reason for the fresh air in the country.

as seen in 'More Anguished English' by Richard Lederer



Received with thanks from Richard Lee, Houston

Before you criticize a man,
walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when you do criticize him,
you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.



The following four rhymes have serious titles and 
contain serious ideas. Don't be alarmed by them.
 You don't have to take them too seriously.
 The author, Edward Anthony, didn't.

Let Others Share

Let others share your toys, my son,
Do not insist on all the fun.
For if you do it's certain that
You'll grow to be an adult brat.






Character Building

Spanking is something that must go,
Say some psychologists, although
Character building is a feat
Sometimes accomplished through the seat.






Duty of the Student

It is the duty of the student
Without exception to be prudent.
If smarter than his teacher, tact
Demands that he conceal the fact.






Advice to Small Children

Eat no green apples or you'll droop,
Be careful not to get the croup,
Avoid the chicken-pox and such,
And don't fall out of windows much.



Preaching

My preacher's eyes I've never seen
Though the light in them may shine;
For when he prays, he closes his,
And when he preaches, mine.

Just kidding, Ian!



The Owl

There was an old owl who lived in an oak;
The more he heard, the less he spoke.
The less he spoke, the more he heard.
Why aren't we like that wise old bird!



If No One Ever Marries Me

If no one ever marries me -
And I don't see why they should,
For nurse says I'm not pretty,
And I'm seldom very good -

If no one ever marries me
I shan't mind very much,
I shall buy a squirrel in a cage
And a little rabbit-hutch;

I shall have a cottage near the wood,
And a pony all my own,
And a little lamb, quite clean and tame,
That I can take to town.

And when I'm getting really old -
At twenty-eight or nine -
I shall buy a little orphan-girl
And bring her up as mine.

Lawrence Alma-Tadema



Sir, I admit your general rule
That every poet is a fool;
But you yourself may serve to show it,
That every fool is not a poet.

Mattew Prior

5

Pedigree

The pedigree of honey
Does not concern the bee;
A clover, any time, to him
Is aristocracy.

Emily Dickinson



Say it with flowers,
Say it with eats,
Say it with kisses,
Say it with sweets,
Say it with jewellery,
Say it with drink,
But always be careful
Not to say it with ink.



INCOME TAX

Something I shall never learn,
It fills me with grave doubt,
As to why it is called 'Return',
When I have to pay it out.



LOANS

Most banks will gladly grant a loan,
In fact they often speed it;
The only thing that they require
Is proof that you don't need it.

F.G. Kernan



The Hardship of Accounting

Never ask of money spent,
Where the spender thinks it went.
Nobody was ever meant
To remember or invent
What he did with every cent.

Robert Frost



After Emerson

Lives of great men all remind us
As we o'er their pages turn,
That we too may leave behind us
Letters that we ought to burn.

Anonymous



Limerick

There was an old party of Lyme
Who married three wifes at one time.
When asked: 'Why the third?'
He replied: 'One's absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.'

Anonymous

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical,
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical!

Anonymous

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By winds, that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along,
And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be rude.

Anonimous



Best Holiday Rum Cake Ever

1 or 2 qts. Rum 1 cup of butter 1 tsp. sugar 2 large eggs 1 cup of dried fruit

1 tsp. soda 2 tbs. lemon juice 1 cup of brown sugar 1 cup nuts 1 tsp. baking powder

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, ect. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. With an electric mixer beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druid gets stuck in the beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doen't matter). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease overn and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the boven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to ged.