- In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
- In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
- In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
- In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
- In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
- In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
- In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
- In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
- In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
- In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
- On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
- On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
- Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
- In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
- Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
- In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
- Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
- A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
- In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
- In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
- In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
- In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
- In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
- In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
- In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
- In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
- On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
- In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
- In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
- In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
- In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
- In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
- From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
- From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Auto Accident Descriptions
The following quotes are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.
- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
- I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,and headed for the embankment.
- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
- I saw a slow-moving sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble, when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- In my attempt to hit a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- The telephone poll was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
- The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
