fun quotations 5, poems

Global Gabble

In a Polish Restaurant:
As for the tripe served you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be singing it's praises to your grandchildren on your deathbed.
In a Parisian restaurant:
We serve five o'clock tea at all hours.
At the entrance to a Swimming pool on the French Riviera:
Swimming is forbidden in the absence of a saviour.
At a Sri Lankan pool:
Do not use the diving board when the pool is empty.
In a Torremolinos hotel:
We highly recommend the hotel tart.
In a small Ionian Sea hotel:
In order to prevent shoes from misleying, please don't corridor them. The management of this hotel cannot be held.
In a Tel Aviv hotel room:
If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and our waitress will arrive. This will be enough to bring your food up.
In a Belgrade hotel:
Let us know about any inficiency as well as leaking on the job.
In an Istanbul hotel:
To call the room service, please open the door and call Room Service!
In a Havana hotel:
Guests are prohibited from walking around the lobby in large groups in the nude.
In a Beirut hotel:
Ladies are kindly requested not to have their babies in the cocktail bar.
In a Cairo bar:
Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband or similar.
In a Mexico City hotel:
We sorry to advise you that by a electric disperfect in the generator master of the elevator we have the necessity that don't give service at our distinguishable guests.
In an Ankara hotel:
Please hang your order before retiring on your doorknob.
In a hotel on the Gaspe Peninsula:
No dancing in the bathrooms!
In a Madrid hotel:
If you wish disinfection, enacted in your presence, cry out for the chambermaid.
On a Tokyo elevator:
Keep your hands away from unnecessary buttons for you.
Two from the same hotel in Paris:
A sports jacket may be worn to dinner but not trousers.
Tea in a bag, just like mother.
On a Chinese road sign:
Go soothingly on the greasy mud, for therein lurks the skid demon.
In the window of a Barcelona travel agency:
Go away.
On a plastic toy manufactured in Hong Kong:
Plastic Bugs. Scare Your Friends. Put Them In A Drink. They Float.
On an Amusement park ride in Saudi Arabia:
For your safety this game is not allowed for those who suffer from hearts, diabetics, nerves, high pressure, and pregnants.
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skins.
A Zanzibar barbershop window message:
Gentleman's throats cut with nice sharp razors.
At an Israeli butcher shop:
I slaughter myself twice daily.
Headline in an Ethiopian newspaper:
FORD REAGAN NECK IN PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY.
Two highway signs in India:
Avoid Overspeeding.
Always Avoid Accidents.
Sign in a Chinese restaurant bathroom:
Employee must wash your hands after each use.
In various Italian hotels and restaurants:
It is kindly requested from our guests that they avoid dirting and doing rumours in the rooms.
Be pleased to come lie down with our masseuse. She will make you forget all your tired.
Guests are advised that all fruits served have been washed in water passed by the management.
English may be the international language of travel, but the English-speaking traveler is often asked to chew on menu offerings like these:

Whores Dover,
White Whine,
Cock and Tail,
Soap of the Day,
Buff Steak,
Prostitute Hams,
Hambugger, Spaghetti Fungus,
Dreaded Veel Cutlets,
Foul Breast,
Muscles in Sailor's Sauce,
Hen fried with Butler,
Prawns in Spit,
Utmost of Chicken with Smashed Pot, Muchrooms,
Mushed Potatoes,
Backed Beans,
Raped Carrots,
Cabitch,
Groin Salad,
Lemon Jews.

as seen in 'More Anguished English' by Richard Lederer

Letters to the Welfare ...

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years ago. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything till he knows.
In answer to your question I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

BLOOPERS

Let the word go forth that even the church is not immune from the havoc that an occasional howler can wreck. Throughout history numerous humorous fluffs and flubs have sneaked into various translations of the Bible.

A handsome edition of the Good Book published by Barker and Lucas in 1632 unfortunately omitted the little word not from the Seventh Commandment, making it read, "Thou shalt commit adultery." The careless printers of this edition, which became famous as the Adulterous Bible, were fined 300 pounds, effectively putting them out of business.

In 1716, thousands of copies of another Bible were printed before it was discovered that the command to John, "sin no more," had been printed as "sin on more," a letter reversal with considerable appeal to chronic transgressors. A year later, in an Oxford edition of the Bible, a chapter heading for Luke appeared as "The Parable of the Vinegar."

A mix-up in gender in a 1923 version produced the stern admonition "A man may not marry his grandmother's wife," which the New Yorker called Neatest Trick of the Week.

The tradition of holy howlers popping up in religiously related documents continues undimmed. Witness the following sampling of bona fide bloopers culled from various church bulletins and orders of service:

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement Friday afternoon.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendhip that began in school days.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north end of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in the study.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Tuesday at 5 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

On a church postcard:

[] I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour.
[] I would like a personal call.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding."

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

Today's sermon:

HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK?
with hymns from a full choir.

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:

GOD IS GOOD
D Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Seen in 'Anguished English' by Richard Lederer.

Classroom Blunders...

All teachers who receive bloopers tell themselves that the laughter is not at the student but at what they have written. After all, as one young scholar has written, "Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery."
Bloopers abound in all types of classrooms.
In 1957, Eugene O'Neill won a Pullet Surprise.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

Having one wife is called monotony.

When a man has more than one wife, he is a pigamist.

Each Thanksgiving it is a tradition for my family to shoot peasants.

In nineteenth century Russia, the pheasants led horrible lives.

A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.

Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.

I expected to enjoy the film, but that was before I saw it.

Arabs wear turbines on their heads.

When there are no fresh vegetables, you can always get canned.

Running is a unique experience, and I thank God for exposing me to the track team.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

English papers...
The bowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes w and y.

A passive verb is when the subject is the sufferer, as in "I am loved."

At the start of The Grapes of Wrath, Oklahoma has been hit by a dust bowl.

In The Glass Menagerie, Laura's leg keeps coming between her and other people.

The death of Francis Macomber was a turning point in his life.
Students often revise history beyond recognition:
The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair. They looked like women, only more horrible.

Zwingli's followers all smashed their organs.

Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British govenor lives there.

The Puritans thought every event significant because it was a massage from God.

The divine wind protected Japan by sinking the fleet of invading Mongrels.

The President of the United States, in having foreign affairs, has to have the consent of the Senate.

The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father, but a president isn't.
Science and Health...
To collect sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

The human is more intelligent than the beast because the human brain has more convulsions.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow and not the bull.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Glimpses into the obvious - and not-so-obvious:
Rural life is lived mostly in the country.

Heredity means that if your grandfather didn't have any children, then your father probably wouldn't have any, and neither would you, probably.

Last year many lives were caused by accidents.

Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation.

The amount of education you have determines your loot in life.

Necessity is the mother of convention.

Oh, the spelling...

To celebrate at feasts, the inhabitants of old England sometimes cut the head off the biggest bore and carried it around on a platter.

Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting bid dames in the river.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.

They gave William IV a lovely funeral. It took six men to carry the beer.

On Thanksgiving morning we could smell the foul cooking.

I am in the mists of choosing colleges.

Women tend to get jumpy during their minstrel periods.

The doctor told me to take it easy until the stitches were out and that would be a permanent scare.

In Pittsburgh they manufacture iron and steal.

Every morning my father takes exercises to strengthen his abominable muscles.

Many people believe he was a Satin worshipper.

During the peek season the beach is covered with hundreds of bikini-clad beauties.

After consuming my mother's vitals, I went happily to bed.

I know people who have found dishes and tools and bowels from the Indians.

Vestal virgins were pure and chased.

I worry about my testes all week.

During the Cavaleer age every lady had a night.

Found in Anguished English by Richard Lederer

This is evidently an actual letter received by the IRS

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze! Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing him home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home.

DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones!
(I'm sure that you will find that telephones are a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror.

She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,

signature of author

Editor's note: The gentleman later notified us:
"Rats, they allowed the deductions instead of taking the kids! Sometimes you just can't get a break."