Just for a smile, Music

Written compositions by young Music Students:

as seen in 'More Anguished English' by Richard Lederer
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written a long time ago.

An opera is a song of a bigly size.

I know what a sestet is, but I'd rather not say.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

A harp is a nude piano.

Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

Agus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Stradivarius sold his violins on the open market with no strings attached.

Do you know that if Beethoven were alive today, he'd be celebrating the 160th anniversary of his death?

A very liked piece is the Bronze lullaby.

Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda, who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio gets stabbed also, and they live happily ever after.

Incorrect Corrections

It is a small miracle that newspapers have so few typographical errors, considering the pressure of deadlines... One Monday, not long ago, the following classified ad ran in a small-town newspaper:

FOR SALE: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who live with him cheap.

Now watch what happened to the attempts to repair the damage:

(Tueday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 p.m.

(Wednesday) NOTICE - R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of an error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad should read as follows: FOR SALE: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who loves with him.

(Thursday) NOTICE: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper, but she quit.

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmer's grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg an up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, of if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

How to avoid getting hired

Here is a sampling...

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unenganged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting complety no one and absolutely nothing.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I have never quit a job.

Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

as seen in 'FORTUNE', July 21, 1997

Compliments of Jenny's Art-Shoppe

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