"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella..WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

• FOR SALE: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who live with him cheap.

• (Thursday)
  NOTICE: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper, but she quit.

• The Macon County Humane Society offeres a free spay/neutering to senior citizens if they adopt an animal out of the animal shelter. Be sure the gift of a pet is a welcome gift.

• Home. $199,500. Great location. one acre with 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, brick Cape. Built the way they used to. Won't last.

• We are proud of the part we played in the tremendous growth of our city.
  - Valley Mattress -

• Prevent damage to garden and lawns from burrowing rodents with the electronic stake that emits vibration and sound that's intensely annoying to underground rodents up to 100 feet in diameter.

• Try our cough syrup. You will never get any better.

• Why not have the kids shot for Easter, or have a family portrait taken? What have you to lose?

• FOR SALE: Bull dog. Will eat anything. Loves children.

• FOR SALE: Used girl's bicycle (and the likes of a gorgeous man's ring, a green girl's coat, an old baby's carriage, a large woman's purse, an oldfashioned girl's wagon, a plaid man's jacket, 2 used men's snowmobile helmets, an unused woman's fur coat).

• On a hospital bulletin board: The Community Chorus will begin Monday night rehearsals at 6 p.m. We have special need for men's voices, but all parts are welcome.

• FOR RENT. Front Room, suitable for two ladies, use of kitchen or two gentlemen.

• FOR RENT. Fully furnished house. Includes three toilets. $ 200 per wee.

• AUTOMATIC BLANKET. Ensure sound sleep with one of our dealers.

• GIVE US YOUR DIRTY CLOTHES Ladies! If you drive by our new launderette and drop off your clothes, you will receive very special attention!

• WANTED: Electric kiln for school, big enough for 40 children.

• WANTED BY MACHINE TOOL FACTORY:Male parts handlers.

• CLEANING SERVICES: We do condos, offices and residents.

• FOR RENT: 3-ROOM APT. incl. heat, hot water, stove refrid., smoke alarm, single female.

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS

• Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

• Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

• The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

• Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

• The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

• To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

• The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

• A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

• The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

• The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

• To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.

• To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

• Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

• Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

• Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

• A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

• The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

• The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

• Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

• An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

• We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

• English sparrows and starlings eat the farmer's grain and soil his corpse.

• By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

• If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

• Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

• Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

• A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

• A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

• Blood flows down one leg an up the other.

• A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

• The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

• When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

• It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

• For fainting: rub the person's chest, of if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

• For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

• For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

• For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

• For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

• To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

• For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

• For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

• For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

• Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

• Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

• When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

• When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

How to avoid getting hired

Here is a sampling...

• I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

• I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

• Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

• Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

• It's best for employers that I not work with people.

• Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.

• Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unenganged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

• I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

• I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

• I have become completely paranoid, trusting complety no one and absolutely nothing.

• My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

• I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

• Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

• Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

• Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I have never quit a job.

• Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

• Finished eighth in my class of ten.

• References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

as seen in 'FORTUNE', July 21, 1997