Fun, Humour, Laughs, Page 8

Letter from Camp

Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,

Cole

Those technical writers....

Actual Instructions on Various Products:

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:

Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A HAIRDRYER:

Do not use while sleeping.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:

Not to be used for the other use.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:

Directions: Use like regular soap.
FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:

Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:

Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:

Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:

Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:

Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:

Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):

Warning: May cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:

Warning: Keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:

For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:

Warning: contains nuts
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Just in case you think you are technologically challenged,
look at this excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The "dust cover" turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder!
Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk-I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that the "Insert Disk 2" message meant to remove Disk 1 first.

Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!

Dear Diary,

AUG. 12
Moved to our new home in NH. It is so beautiful here, the mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow covering them.

OCT. 14
NH is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride. This must be paradise. I love it here.

NOV. 11
Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

DEC. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looked like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place; I love New Hampshire!

DEC. 12
More snow last night. I love it... Ha! The snowplow did his trick again to the driveway - Opps! I love it here.

DEC. 19
More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work, I am exhausted from shoveling. Stupid snowplow.

DEC. 22
More of that white bother fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Idiot!

DEC. 25
Merry Friggin' Christmas. More friggin' snow. If I ever get my hands on that sadist who drives the snowplow, I pray I won't try and kill the so-and-so. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the darn ice.

DEC. 27
More white bother last night. Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white bother. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the stuff again tonight....Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?!?

DEC. 28
The stupid weatherman was wrong... we got *34"* of that white bother this time. At this rate, it won't melt before the summer! The snow-plow got stuck in the road and that sadist came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the bother he pushed into the driveway, it was all I could do to not break my last one over his friggin' head!

JAN. 4
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back, a blasted deer ran out in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those stupid beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

MAY 3
Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from that friggin' salt they put all over the roads?!? On the way home, there was a light dusting of snow - had flashbacks.

MAY 10
Moved to Singapore. It sure is warm here! I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God-forsaken state of New Hampshire.

Sounds familiar?

While browsing through some dust-covered archival material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum, a researcher recently came across a tattered parchment. After some effort he translated it and found that it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "magister fastorium," or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated, strangely enough, 1 B.C., January 7 -- or 2000 years ago (remember, there was no year zero). The text of the message follows:
Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.
We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hour glass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.

- Plutonius -

Ssssssnake!

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon jungle.

It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. An anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It grows to 35 feet in length and weighs between 300 and 400 pounds.

This is what the manual says:

If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
Lie flat on the gound. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
Tuck your chin in.
The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb all over your body.
Do not panic.
After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from your feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
When the snake has reached your knees, slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg; then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
Be sure you have a knife.
Be sure your knife is sharp.

Posted with permisssion from the editor:Eric Brown, ebrown@greeleytrib.com

WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY

(I wouldn't know....)

Phone conversations last 30 seconds.
You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give you grief if you've lost or gained weight.
You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom alone.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment".
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3.
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.
If you're 34 and single, no one notices.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything (or duct tape).
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking: "He must be mad at me."
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $2000, tux rental $100.
You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's.
If you retain water, it is in a canteen.
The remote is yours, and yours alone.
You need not pretend you are "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life-long buddies.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.