THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS...

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.

I'm tired...

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired.

25 Reasons why dogs are better than mates

1. Dogs don't cry.

2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.

3. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

4. Dogs think you sing great.

5. A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.

6. Dogs don't expect you to call them when you're running late.

7. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

8. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

9. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dogs name.

10. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

11. Anyone can get a good looking dog.

12. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

13. Dogs don't shop.

14. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

15. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

16. A dog's parents never come to visit.

17. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

18. Dogs don't hate their bodies.

19. No dog ever put on a hundred pounds after reaching adulthood.

20. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you have ever had.

21. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry..

22. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

23. Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger than a lobster dinner.

24. Dogs never expect gifts.

25. Dogs never criticize.

Some things you would never know if it weren't for TV!

• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

• All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

• It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

• The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

• You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

• When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

• Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

• During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

• Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

• Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

• Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

• Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

• When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

• Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

• Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

• No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

• Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

• It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

• Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one.

• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Doctors' Notes On Patient's Charts:

(taken from actual unedited notes!)

• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

• On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

• The patient refused an autopsy.

• The patient has no past history of suicides.

• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

• Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

• She is numb from her toes down.

• While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

• The skin was moist and dry.

• Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

• Patient was alert and unresponsive.

• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

• Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

• . The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Toddler Miracle Diet

Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward.

Good luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast:
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch:
Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner:
A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack:
Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast:
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch:
Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack:
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner:
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast:
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch:
Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner:
Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast:
A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch:
Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner:
A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

A Navy Story

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Navy ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval operations, October 10, 1995.

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES 92 ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT 92S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:
This is a lighthouse --- Your call.