So Lets Get Pissed!

My purpose today is to show the average Joe what going drinking is all about. I'm not talking "go out for a few" here either. I'm saying that you're going to dedicate the next ten hours to punishing your liver for its very existence. This will be a detailed account of what you would expect going drinking with yours truly. Tonight is Thursday, I love getting right fucked up on Thursdays. So, where to begin...

6:00pm Liquor Barn

On a night like tonight Beer is out of the question, we're going strait for the hard stuff. Normally I am torn between white rum and vodka, however tonight I've got a gut feeling that there is no way that rum can steer me wrong. Now, as far as sizes go, that decision is made by two factors; how much money do I have, and am I a pussy. Tonight it is enough, and as always, no. So a 26(oz.) of Bacardi's White Rum it is!

Cost: $21.95, Diet Coke mix (4 liters): $3.50.

6:30pm Arrive Home

Ok, now seeing how I've planned on getting trashed all week I know full well where all of my drinking buddies are. Tonight it has been decided that we meet at my house. Jonny, my regular Thursday night drinking buddy arrives first. Followed shortly by Craig, Denis, and Bret.

6:43pm The First Drink

This is the most important drink of the night, it gauges your desire for getting loaded. Too weak and you're left guzzling too fast, too strong and it might inhibit your desire for the second, and almost certainly making you drink at a slower pace than desired. My ideal first drink: Grab your drinkin glass*, next place two ice cubes in the glass and pour enough alcohol in the glass to make the ice float. Finally top it off with the mix of your choice and you're ready to go.

*yes i have a drinkin glass.

The first drink, if successful, goes down in less than 15 minutes. For the second and third drinks make the ice float "lots." Beginning with the fourth drinks you will find the use of ice unnecessary and a waste of time.

7:45 Plans

Having assembled a group of people willing to get totally hammered with you you begin to realize that you have no real goal for the evening, aside from the obvious. You will also realize that the music is too quiet and it is a real sausage party*. This occurrence only has one end result, the bar. The whole group fully opposes to going to the bar due to the shitty music and over priced drinks, I mean we have plenty of booze to get us though the night. Yet, we still agree that watching girls dressed like sluts shaking there tits and asses is the way to go. Shuffling your way to the kitchen to grab another drink you wonder how five drunks are supposed to get across town to get to the bar. You also notice that you've finished off a third of your rum in an hour, you smile.

*sausage party: bunch of dudes, no chicks.

8:00pm Call A Sober Guy

Thanks to a thrilling 4-2 victory in the best of seven paper/rock/scissors tournament to decide who would call J.T. Denis has the duty of getting us transportation. He fails. "FUCKING J.T. WHAT AN ASS! WE'LL CALL A FUCKING CAB THEN!," can be heard from the hallway. A cab it is, but we're not going to the bar until 11:00.

8:12pm Drinking Games *

The drinking game can occur at any time, all a party needs to get a drinking game started is one person's desire to get alot of people really drunk, REALLY quickly. Denis loves to get really drunk really fast, so it is he who says "hey guys let's play sociables." And we do. This particular game requires that you are only allowed t opee if you draw a nine.........righ now you really want a nine. DOOT'NT'DOOD'NT DOO DOO!!!! And other incoherant noises are yelled loudly for no reason

*for an intensive list of drinking game rules please email the jerks.

8:19 First Pee

Luckily you drew a nine on your third round and after taking only 12 drinks. It feels good at the time, but a disheartening feeling runs though you as you realize you have opened the floodgates.

9:38 Southpark Is Funny

Music gets turned off as five drunks laugh at Tina Yuthers.

10:00pm Incoming Calls

"What are you up to tonight?......Oh yeah, we're having people over.......see ya there.......we'll be drinking here after the bar." YES! "HEY GUYS WE CAN PARTY AT CRYSTAL'S AFTER THE BAR!" And there was much rejoicing.

10:30 Calling The Cab/Waiting For The Cab

"No fucking way, I called J.T. no fucking way!" Denis exclaims. So I'll call the cab, I left the phone by my booze any ways, my booze which is GONE?!?! It's ok, Denis picked up rum tonight as well, I'll have some of his.........NOTE: when stealing booze make sure you know that either that person has stolen from you, or they are too drunk to notice. Better make this one count. Waiting for the cab is an important part of the evening, it is almost always done outside. Usually a drunkin wrestling match occurs, or this is the time when a weaker drinker may puke, but not me, not tonight. Rum has never steered me wrong........

The Bar: Part Two of a Two Part (mis)Adventure!

11:08pm Arrive At The Gates Of Heaven

Well here you are, standing ten yards from non stop taps and eye candy galore. You notice a small lineup, but you'll get in in no time.

11:39pm Get Inside The Bar

"Well what the fuck was up with that?" is pretty much the general feeling of all people waiting in that line. Especially when you get inside and realize that there is still room for seventy-five more fucking people. But suddenly your attention is drawn to the blond with huge fake tits standing in front of a tub of cheap beers. You buy two, one for each hand. Hell of a deal, except due to the large tits on the girl selling you these beers you feel the need to give her three dollars as a tip......maybe she'll sleep with you now*. Jonny is in rough shape, he's broke. No money means no more drinking for him you might think, WELL THINK AGAIN! *The following is a maneuver that should only be attempted by the extremely drunk, desperate, and brave* Railsliding­®. Railsliding is simply walking along and grabbing miscellaneous drinks from the railing around the dance floor. You get free booze but you never know what you're gunna get. Jonny was a master at this, and i have yet to see anyone else acctually do it.

*she won't

12:04am Tequila

At this point we're pretty much up for anything. Mostly waling around buying drinks and staring at chicks, but pretty much anything is acceptable behavior at this point. MUTHA FUCKING TEQUILLA~! Line em up, with no salt and no lemon. You're drinking this bad boy strait. Well, chase it with a beer, it's fucking great.

12:05am The Dizzies

"Okay guys, maybe we should find a table or sit down or something"........good plan. Sitting down stops the room from spinning for about 3 seconds then it spins the other way. You see a waitress or something, but whatever it is you just ordered a double rum 'n something from it. Some guy then stops by to talk, you know him from somewhere, but you can't remember. Anyways, you talk to him for like 25 minutes about how shitty the music is and how hot the girls are.

12:48am Ben is Missing

Don't worry he's done this before* he's most likely at home, passed out.

*Ben took a cab from a Propaghandi show in CALGARY back to Medicine Hat. A THREE HUNDRED DOLLAR CAB RIDE. Leaving Jonny in Calgary to wait until every car left the parking lot in case Ben couldn't find the car. Then Jonny phoned Ben's house to tell his wife he was missing, but Ben answered! FUCKING FUNNY!

12:50, 12:59, 1:12am Peeing

Damn, my body sure doesn't want to retain any liquids.

1:15am Last Call

Okay, last call is coming, it is time to down as much booze as possible as fast as possible, you only have 45 minutes left to buy alcohol! But after a brief discussion it is decided that it would be better to get a cab early and ditch the bar before a drunken mob is left outside at the end of the night, fighting over cabs like savages. As you're standing beside a brand new SUVsome dude, the owner I guess, tells you, "hey, don't touch my car." Some how you manage to heed his warning, and the only thing that ends up touching his vehicle is your keys. Denis laughs.

1:30am - ????am ????

Scene missing.

10:45am What the Fuck?

Well your head hurts, you stink and you are unsure about most of the evenings events. IT MUST HAVE FUCKING ROCKED!!!

Well that's the kind of evening you could expect (and for some of you, have experienced) whilst out on the town with yours truly.