Any opening statement of a rant should probably catch ones attention. Here is mine. I used to work in an adult film store. If that didn't work I used to sometimes jerk off during work while working at this aforementioned store. I think that may have done it and if not than piss off cause I gots stories! But not about jerking off, thats just weird. And me admitting that already makes me feel so much more open to you than I should feel at this time. But before I get into that allow me to explain a few things to you fine people about myself. I'm Carlos (no I'm not Mexican, its a nick name) and I live in a small city called Yorkton in the vastly unpopulated prairie province of Saskatchewan. I've had what many could call a charmed and maybe even unfullfilling life. I've managed restaurants, a movie store, a porn store, hauled oats, announced the news at a radio station, which brings me to my current position....stuck in Yorkton. That is the tale of woe that plagues all us good young life in this city. Being in Yorkton sucks more than going to the strip club and seeing your mom strip on stage. At the present time I haule paint and furniture by day, and deejay at the bar here in town during the night. I like to think of myself as a pathetic superhero of sorts.

But enough of that shit, I've gotten just about as personal with you gravy trains as I'm going to get for the moment. I try not be biast, or a bygamist, or anything of that nature but there are just some things in this world that completely and utterly blow my mind. Fags. I just cannot and will not try to understand these people. Its just that kind of think makes me uncomfortable to see. I am not by anymeans afraid of gay or disgusted by it. Well actually I do get disgusted by it only when its right up in my face. When I used to work at the porn shop, boy howdy did I ever see my fair share of gay. Not just with guys but chicks too. My first day I sold 2 foot black dildo to some old guy and I just had to chuckle to myself. Whats funny about working in a porn shop is that I had a story everytime! When you get down to it you have to realize one thing when you work at a place like that. Every person that comes into that store will be going home to masterbate. Once you have gotten over that factor, it is clear sailing, you just sit back and let the fun happen. One thing in particular I like doing was watching porn while working. Yes we could actually do this and get paid for it. When you are working a graveyard shift at the olde porn shop, you get the certain need to watch a few. And believe it or not we actually had a bar rush. I shit you not people would come in at 2:30am and want to rent porn, by a didldo, vibrator whatever! It was great! And there were hot chicks that would come in too, not a whole whack load (hee hee) or anything but enough. And not a word of a lie but I actually had women hit on me, and much to my displeasure some guys too. I'm not a bad looking guy by any means but it was kind of flattering being hit on by guys, it goes to show they want the cock on both sides! And I'll be honest the chicks that did hit on me were not always that shit hot either, out of the maybe 20 or so that did during my 3 month tenure, maybe a handful of them were hot. Whether they honestly meant it, who cares, women are nothing but trouble anyway.

That brings me back to the subject I laid out at the beginning about gay. Did you ever notice that getting a gay wet is like throwing a bucket of water on a cat? I mean not those closet type gays or the pretty boy gays, but they ones that are full blown, flaming, set me up with Liberace gay. Its worse than actually punching one of these guys. I think they would probably prefer getting hit than having water thrown on their Gucci shoes. Why I say this is because I happened to have been at a very "posh" bar in Saskatoon called The Odeon. Cool place actually. You have to dress up to get in and the booze is so expensive even Jesus would tell the bartender to fuck himself. But the atmosphere is great and the chicks just melt off the walls. But this is also a great hangout for gay seeing as the gay bar is just a street over. Anyway one night while doing my thing on the dancefloor I noticed a gayfight pretty much right beside me. These two guys were arguing over some stupid frigging thing or another and the one guy throws his drink at the other guy. Let me lay out the scene a little better for you. While I knew that these 2 guys were gayer than puppies and flowers, I also noticed they were SUPER GAY. Limp wristed prissies, super gelled hair, CK jeans, rolled up collars and all that shit. Even....even had the frigging lisp. I shit you not I could have punched myself in the nuts for not noticing sooner. So the one guy not only throws his drink at the other, but does like this Zorro motion with it. But he did not throw it at his face, oh no no. He threw the contents of the drink on the guys shirt. Of all places, the guys shirt. Well this was enough to send Captain gay into a complete FRENZY. The look on his face was worth the admission to the bar. It looked as though the guy had just found his pet gerbil lodged inside the hose of the vaccum. He let a high bitched squeal sounding like " you bitch" or something, but I know bitch was in there for sure. But before a good old pier 6 broke out the bouncers came and tossed the gay.

Needless to say my night was made. So don't go thinking I hate gays or anything because i don't. I see enough gay in the world without watching that abomination of a show aptly titled "queer as folk". Be as gay as you want, just don't show it to me, I don't care, I'm all about the ladies. And my porn. Don't you ever deny me my porn. Until next timethis is Carlos saying, if she wants you to talk to her after sex, tell her you have to go to the bathroom first, hopefully by the time you come back she'll be asleep so you can slip your clothes back on and get the fuck outta dodge. Cheers!


Carlos Loves the Sexy Letters