I sit here staring at the blank screen, keyboard at the ready, contemplating the task at hand. That task is to compose and submit the first in a long line of articles written by the jerks. So many topics could be covered, but which is the most deserving to be first in line? What deserves my immediate attention? As I push my sister off her chair, the thought hits me. There's only one subject that fits the bill. One to set the record straight...

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A JERK

Webster's dictionary describes a jerk as many things:
1. A short, quick pull or twist
2. An involuntary muscular movement or spasm
3. A stupid or foolish person

It is the third definition that peaks the interest of myself and my fellow jerks. It is this meaning that we will discuss here today(actually I shall discuss it, and you will shut your yap and keep reading). Whereas being a jerk does mean to be a stupid or foolish person, to us it is so much more. It is in the name of being a jerk that we live the way we do. Being a jerk is neither a fad nor a trend. It is the combination of what we are, and what we do.

It is being a jerk that gives us the simple pleasures in life that the un-jerks, non-jerks, and anti-jerks cannot attain. It's walking down the street at night, bending the side mirror on your truck, taking in the pleasure of knowing that you will have to bend it back in the morning. That's a jerky pleasure. It's sitting down in the restaurant, and having the waitress ask, "are you really a jerk?" You'll know when you don't get my tip, toots! It's Arrogant Craig getting kicked out of the casino for simply being himself. What's the first thing people say when he's gone? "What a jerk!" It's all these things and so much more wrapped into fun loving human beings who love nothing more than to share in the joy of your misfortune.

Being a jerk has given us the freedom we need. Being a jerk has given us not only the freedom, but also the desire, the ability, and the outright lack of conscience needed to have a good time at the expense of others. It is our privilege, our right, and our duty to stand up for what we believe in and insure that the sick, the tired, the old, the handicapped, both mentally and physically, the elderly(I know I mentioned them already, but these are our elder's, damn it! They deserve the right to be insulted twice!), and basically all people less fortunate than ourselves get the verbal whacking they deserve.

Sometimes being a jerk isn't easy. Antijerkites are everywhere. Not even we can escape racism these days. But we fight the good fight, so that we might have the honor of rising above all those who stand against us and be able to live in peace without the constant insults that people sling at us. So that we might sling our insults uninterrupted. Until then, we shall walk proudly, hold our heads high and our expectations even higher. I'm a Jerk, as is my want, and you just got...

The Real Deal