To the Youth of Today:

Today’s world is a scary place. I would be lying if I told you that the world is full of nothing but happiness and rainbows with every day being better than the last. I just wish you guys would shut the fuck up about it! Okay maybe I’m being a tad harsh so I tell you what, I will deal with a few cases individually, and maybe you will begin to see my point.

Anne

Anne, you are like every other girl in the 10th grade. Your body is still developing and you are gaining a multitude of hormones that seem to mess with your body and mind. The center of your life seems to be this boy Jared, he plays baseball and hockey and is just the cutest boy you ever did see. Problem is Anne, he thinks you’re ugly, and fat. I know, I know, you’re crying. Well you should be crying, your life is miserable. Anne, I’m sorry maybe that was uncalled for, but did you really think that Jared would pick YOU over Stephanie, who obviously is far better looking and WAY more likely to go to third base with him all the while laughing about how you slipped a love letter into his locker after science class. My point is this Anne; you’re a smart girl, you should have the common sense to give up on trying to attain boys who are obviously out of your league. Now go and eat that bag of oreos that I just KNOW your dying to eat to fill the void that Jared has left in your heart.

Darin

Alright Darin, I know you’ve been wanting to see that great rap/rock band that is tearing up all of the top 40 charts! Let me tell you this in a fashion that you can appreciate: “no fucking way.” Was that clear enough for you? Okay now I’ve told you it’s never going to happen and you’re sitting there staring back at me wondering “why?” I’ll tell you man. First off you want to take that little tramp Trina with you, perhaps because you’ve heard that she puts out, but that is besides the point. The point is that you will need your parents to pay for this, and god knows there is no way you will pull enough chores out of your ass to deserve them. Do you think that your parents enjoy working for eight or ten hours a day so that you can go see a bunch of white boys represent? No. Also, it would be wrong of me to omit the fact that you are hoping with all your heart to see a band that blows. Yes Darin, the sooner you realize that your favorite hard-hitting gangstas are about as “legit” as Milli Vanilli the closer you come to not being a moron. Who is Milli Vanilli? Shut the fuck up Darin. And get a job.

Dear reader, at this point you are no doubt seeing how misguided some teenagers can be, and the best thing for us to do is tell them that they are being annoying little bastards (or bitches, I don’t want to offend any feminists those chicks take bitchy to a whole new level) and hope to mold them into real people.

The rest of you:

I understand that growing up is hard……I’m sorry, that is wrong. Growing up is EASY. It doesn’t get any easier than you have it right now. Yes, no matter how much you think your life sucks, let me assure you that it will get worse. Don’t bring your “nobody understands me……I just wanna be my own person……society can go to hell” bullshit my way asshole. You tell me how getting free meals and free rent from people who used to wipe your dirty ass is hard. You would be much better off just admitting you know absolutely NOTHING about how the world works so keep your fool mouth shut. Nobody gives a shit about your little drama about how you like Sally, but she likes Billy, in the grand scheme of your life that situation is about as significant as the piss you took this morning. Get a little life experience and then tell me life is bad. If the worst thing that happens to you on any given day is that people laugh at what color your shirt is or that you are a nerd, I assure you, you have it pretty sweet. One day you will look back at your life and the way you acted as a teenager and want to go back in time to kick your own ass. If not I hope that the daily ass poundings you take in prison for stealing a car, driving drunk and killing a family will at least make you consider the fact that maybe you should have made a few slightly different life decisions.

Having read this you are already given the knowledge you need to get started on the right track to being a productive member of the human race. To recap: little high school dramas are garbage and no one cares. Honestly no one should. You know nothing, which is only accentuated by your taste in music and clothing. You are not enhancing your individuality by wearing a bandana under your hat, you look like a damn tool. If you’re ugly only try to date other ugly people. Jimmy will NOT find your personality more attractive than the giant mole on your face. Quit bitching and STFU!