Updated August 14, 2003



The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Contrarily, the French have lots of fat in their diets and also suffer fewer heart attacks than either the British or Americans.


Eat what ever the heck you want..... It's speaking English that kills you.



A man doing surveys about his product comes up to a woman's door. The man introduces himself, "Hi I am from Ponds and we are doing a survey of what people use our product VASELINE for."

The lady at the door answers, "Oh well, my husband and I use it for sex."

The man is a little taken aback and says, "Thank You for being so forthright madam. Most people say 'I use it to fix squeaky hinges' or 'We use it as a moisturizer,' never wanting to say what they really use it for. If you don't mind my asking, How do you use it during sex?"

"Well," says the lady, "we use it on the door knob so the kids can't get into the bedroom."


A man goes in for a job interview and introduces himself as Joe. The boss conducts the interview and says, "We'll let you know." As it turns out Joe is the most qualified for the job so the boss brings him back in.

Boss: "We feel that you are the most qualified for the position, but we noticed you didn't give us your last name." Joe: "I don't have a last name. It's just Joe." Boss: "What do mean?" Joe: "Well if you got a minute I'll explain. When I was a young boy I was known as JOE DODAD. I wanted to become a doctor. I went to college when I grew up and I became JOE DODAD, MD. After a couple of years being a doctor I decided I didn't like the hours and stress and I decided to become a Dentist. I went back to school and became a dentist and I was then JOE DODAD, MD, DDS. Well a few years later, the Gulf War started and I decided I would go help out. Well... I contracted a STD and I was then known as JOE DODAD, MD, DDS, STD. The Board of Physicians found out about my STD and I lost my medical credentials, so then I was known as JOE DODAD, DDS, STD. The Board of Dentist also found out and then I lost my dental credentials, so then I was known as JOE DODAD, STD. And the STD made me lose my DODAD. So now I'm just JOE.


A very Rich Gentleman.

A very Rich older man, John, wanted to test the theory that, "You can't take it with you".

He called together three of his most trusted advisors; his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer.

John gave each of them an envelope filled with $100,000 with the instructions that they should put the $100,000 in his casket at his funeral to see if he could take it with him.

John eventually died and the priest, the doctor and the lawyer all put an envelope in his casket at the funeral.

At the reception after the funeral the three of them were talking together and the priest piped up and said, " I have a confession to make, I only put half of the money in the casket, I gave the other half to charity, I didn't think he would miss it."

The doctor said, "I only put half of the money in the casket too, I gave the other half away to fund medical research."

The lawyer said, " I am disgusted with the both of you, John trusted us to put the money in that casket for him....

I put a cheque in for the whole amount!"


Kentucky Fried Chicken:

Colonel Sanders went to Rome one time. He decided while there to seek an audience with the Pope. Always the businessman, Sanders said to the Pope, "I'd be willing to make a donation of one million dollars to the Vatican if you would change that line in the prayer, "Give us this day our daily bread," to "Give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope was not interested.


A year later, the Colonel returned with the offer of 50 million dollars for a change in the prayer. Still no deal.

Finally, the Colonel comes with back with his best offer. "Your Holiness, how about 500 million dollars for changing the line to "Give us our daily chicken."


The Pope said, "It's a deal."

Then the Pope convened the College of Cardinals to explain the new situation to them. "I've got good news and bad news," the Pope said. "The good news is that we have a donation of 500 million dollars. The bad news is that we are going to have some problems with our Wonder Bread account." --King's Komputer Treasury of Quips, Quotes and Anecdotes 

If your favourite joke isn't here please send it to me: HJK@telus.net

Back to College Toastmasters