Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will ... (sorry wrong ceremony).
Beerly deluded, we are gathered here today in the face of this company, to join together Rick and Janet in mockrimony: which is a honourable institution for those who don't mind being in an institution.
Into this estate these two persons present come now to be joined. If any one can show just cause why they may not be awfully joined together, let them speak now ... or later.
Who gives this woman to be joined to this man?
Rick, do you take Janet for your awful dreaded wife, to live in the hazy state of mockrimony? Will you like, tolerate, and tip her from this day forward, forsaking all other bartenders, honking only unto her for as long as you both shall live?
Janet, do you take Rick you your awful dreaded has-been, to live in the hazy state of mockrimony? Will you like, tolerate, and emptying his ashtray from this day forward, forsaking all other truckers, flashing only unto him for as long as you both shall live?
Rick repeat after me ... I, Rick take thee Janet to be my dreaded wife, to have and to owe from this day forward, for better for not so good, from paycheque to paycheque, in hangover and in health, to love, honour, and cherish, 'til closing time do us part.
Janet repeat after me ... I, Janet take thee Rick to be my dreaded has-been, to have and to owe from this day forward, for better for not so good, from paycheque to paycheque, in hangover and in health, to love, honour, and cherish, 'til closing time do us part.
May I have the ring. Rick please place this ring on Janet's finger and repeat after me ... with this ring I thee wed. Wear it as a symbol of what comes around goes around.
May this couple be prepared to continue to grieve, be able to forgive and experience more and more beer with each passing out. Rick and Janet, are now beginning their strife together, we hope that they may have loving assistance from their family and creditors, the constant support of friends and those just pretending to be friends and a long life with good health and everlasting love.
In so much as Rick and Janet have consented to live forever tortured in holy deadlock, and have witnessed this sham before this company, having given and pledged their troth, each to the other, and having declared same by the giving and receiving of a dime store ring. I pronounce that they are has-been and wife.
You may now seal the promises you have made with each other with a kiss or whatever else you can think of.
Ladies and gentlemen, in order to symbolize their blended life together, this couple has decided to anagram their last names together (Erickson & Townsend). So by the power vested in me by the John Orr School of Theology and Bartending, I present to you the loving couple Mr. and Mrs. Isnt-Now-So-Redneck.