 
Updatesates:
|
|
|
25
REASONS DOGS ARE BETTER THAN KIDS
For all you who do or don't have kids...
written by Kim Wolf on the Samoyed list:
25. Kibble and water are cheaper than formula and diapers.
24. They have more hair when they are born.
23. Dogs never forget to "go" before they leave.
22. Dogs can go on long trips without yelling "MOM HE'S TOUCHING
ME!!!!"
21. Dogs never grow out of being kissed in front of their friends.
20. Dogs don't wear holes in the knees of their trousers.
19. It doesn't matter how much dog hair a Dog gets in its mouth.
18. You can cage a dog without going to jail.
17. dogs don't "backwash" crackers when sharing your soda.
16. Dogs will watch classic Star Trek with you and won't laugh at the
special effects.
15. Dogs hide their "blankies" in their crates rather than
dragging them around in public.
14. It's OK and even encouraged to tattoo your Dog.
13. The older a Dog gets, the more they like you.
12. Dogs don't ask why. Dogs don't ask why. Dogs don't ask why.
11. Dogs don't roll their eyes when you insist Dogs today have it
easier.
10. Dogs stick their tongue deep inside your ear canal; children use a
pencil.
9. Dogs don't jump on the bed; they just quietly shed in them and lay on
you, considerately adding to your warmth.
8. Dog poop is easier to get off the wall than crayon.
7. When Dogs don't listen to you, it is because they cannot understand
the complex human language.
6. Dogs have tails, making it easier to grab them as they run away.
5. No one passes you a Dog with a loaded diaper.
4. Dogs dig for buried treasure in the litter box. Kids won't even dump
the litter box.
3. When Dogs interrupt you making love, you don't have to explain that
the two of you
are "wrestling to see who does the dishes."
2. Dogs don't grow out of their shoes every 2 1/2 months.
And the number one reason?
1. Dogs, when entering those teen years, are neutered.
Top |
You Know You Have Too Many Dogs When...
-you have more grass in your driveway than in your backyard.
-your neighbors find ANY dog running loose and automatically bring it to your house.
-you want to watch TV and you have to sit on the floor because all of
the furniture is "occupied".
-it takes you longer to wash your dogs' dishes than your own.
-you have to use a wash tub for a water dish.
-you have to run an obstacle course to get to the phone.
-you see one of your dogs doing something bad (like chewing something up or leaving a "dog deposit" on the rug) and you have to run through the entire list of dogs in order to yell at
the right one
and by then it is too late.
-you have all of your dogs in the back seat and your car automatically changes lanes when they move to the other side of the car.
-you NEVER go anywhere for a vacation because it costs more to kennel your dogs than to go to Hawaii.
-you have an extension on your king-sized bed so you all fit.
-you move your bedroom into the garage and put a king and queen sized bed together so all of your dogs can sleep with you.
-you take your dogs for a run in the park and people think it is a dog show.
-Nutro makes home deliveries.
author unknown
Top |
THE FOOT RULE
There is a formula for figuring out how bed space is allocated. It is called the "Foot Rule". You start by determining the total number of
feet (as in those at the end of the legs, not the kind made up by inches). Then you divide that total by the number of feet belonging to
the person(s) or dog(s) in question. This is how it works: You and husband share your bed with 1 dog. You and your husband total 4 feet
and the dog also has 4 feet. That is a total of 8 feet. The dog has 4 out of 8 feet or 50%, therefore, the dog gets 50% of the bed.
You could work this in reverse as well. You have 2 out of 8 feet or 25% and so does your husband, so each of you gets 25% and the dog gets
50%.
Now I have 5 dogs. At 4 feet per dog, that is 20 feet. Add to that my 2 feet and we have a total of 22 feet in the bed. I have 2 out of 22
feet which is 1/11th or 9.1% of the bed. The dogs, since they share a total of 20 of 22 feet, get 10/11ths or 90.9% of the bed. Simple
isn't it?!
Once I figured out my percent of the bed space, the next step was to work out the exact area that I am entitled to. My bed is a California
King which is approximately 6 ft x 7 ft.
Here is the math:
6 ft x 7 ft = 42 square feet
42 square feet = 6048 square inches
9.1% of 6048 = 550 square inches
550 square inches = 45.8 total inches
45.8 inches = 3.8 total feet
In order to determine the exact size of my bed space, I needed to know the percentage of length to width - this comes out to 54% long to 46%
wide.
When I apply these percentages to my spot:
550 square inches x 54% = 297 square inches
550 square inches x 46% = 253 square inches
297 square inches = 24.7 inches
253 square inches = 21.1 inches
24.7 inches = 2.1 feet
21.1 inches = 1.8 feet
Now that the math is all done, the figures show that the dimensions of my part of the bed are 2.1 feet by 1.8 feet or in other words:
I GET THE PILLOW!!!
Author unknown
Top |
IMITATE
MY DOG
Don't take this the wrong way, but for the longest
time now, I have been trying to imitate my dog. Not his look, which is furry and chestnut brown. Not his
walk, which, as with most dogs, can be more of a waddle.
And not his tail. I don't need a tail. I have enough trouble buckling my pants as it is. Also, I can live
without his bathroom habits, which can be summed up this way: "Tree or bush? Tree or bush? Aw, how about
right here on the grass..."
No, what I admire about my dog is his fascination with the simple routine of life. Every day for him is like
boarding the space shuttle.
For example: In the morning, I tumble out of bed, grumble, yawn, open the door, and
ta-da! There he is, the canine answer to Richard Simmons.
He is so worked up, he doesn't know which way to go, toward me or away from me. So he does both.
"Oh boy oh boy oh boy!" he seems to pant. "It's morning and I'm gonna eat!"
Never mind that he has eaten every morning since he was born. Or that he's had the same food every morning
since he was born -- and that was 11 years ago. Never mind. He pulls me downstairs and waits breathlessly as
I scoop yet another helping of boring brown nuggets into his bowl. "Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Food, food,
food!"
I yawn.
Three minutes later, he is off the food thing and into a new obsession: going out. Again, he runs forward and
backward. "I'm going out! I'm going out! Is this great or what?"
Never mind that going out has not changed one bit since we've lived here. He is so thrilled by the
notion of "exit" that he almost bites the doorknob off. He bolts into the backyard as if heading for
Tomorrowland with a sack full of "E" tickets.
I slouch and yawn again. The great indoors.
Then comes the "bathroom" routine, which I already have described. Humans deal with these functions
begrudgingly. Not my dog. It's a real thrill for him. He scouts for the perfect spot as if looking for
beachfront real estate. "Tree or bush? Tree or bush?" And I don't have that many trees.
Then, once his business is taken care of -- and I make a mental note where we're going to have to shovel come
summer -- he is off the going out obsession and onto a new one: going back in. It doesn't matter than he was
in just two minutes ago. "Things have changed! Things have changed!" he seems to pant. "I gotta get in there!
I gotta check it out! Hurry up, hurry up!"
When I open the door, he bolts in, races back and forth -- looking for space aliens, I suppose -- and
when he doesn't find any, he isn't disappointed. Instead, he snarls at some ratty toy he's played with
for months, throws it into the air with his teeth, and watches it land. "Look at that!" he seems to say. "It
goes up, it comes down!"
As I make a cup of coffee, he jumps up to watch. "Whatcha doin? Whatcha
doin? Coffee, huh? That's amazing!" He then clamps onto my leg and does a dance that, were it
the early '50s, I might call the "Hootchie Coo."
I am not sure what he gets out of this -- "Oh boy, a leg! Oh boy, a leg!" -- but he seems to be having a
better time than many of the dates I've had.
When I disengage and disappear behind a door, he lies down outside and waits for me to come out again. If it
is only 30 seconds later, he will still react as if I were a released hostage. The sunny side.
Now, my dog does not work. He does not pay taxes. He does not create anything new (unless you consider the
bushes outside). But he also doesn't need clothes, doesn't covet cars or jewelry, and doesn't care
about houses, as long as he can find a sunny spot on the floor and lie there for a few hours.
Meanwhile, I am bored with my same routine. Getting up is a drag. I can't get excited about breakfast. And
going out then coming back only makes me wonder how many flies I've let in. So I'm trying to imitate my
dog. I'm trying to find wonder in the everyday. After all, when you think about it, it is pretty remarkable
that you open your eyes each morning. And since every few hours you get to quench your hunger, well, that's
a thrill, when you consider the alternative.
So while I can't match my dog's drool, I am trying to match his zeal. Don't worry. If you come to visit, I
will not clamp on your leg and do the Hootchie Coo. On the other hand, that sunny spot on the
floor looks pretty tempting...
The End...
Author Unknown
Top |
Top
Ten Ways to Know You Probably Have Enough Dogs:
1. Your furnace repairman asks when the last time your air filter was Vaccinated
for rabies.
2. The dust bunnies under the china cabinet can be heard growling at the
vacuum cleaner. If you manage to blow them out of
hiding, they are sometimes mistaken for Lhaso Apsos.
3. The Lawn Green salesmen skip your house when promoting their service
in your neighborhood.
4. Your closet reveals a year around wardrobe rich in tweeds and
herringbones. You have wondered if that 'winter camouflage' the kids
were wearing wouldn't make a good Canine Camo and if anyone is
making furniture throws out of it yet.
5. A fence to fence cement patio is being considered as a viable
alternative to grass seed in the back yard.
6. You have reserved parking with your own name tag at the local
Petcetera, Petsmart, or Pet Supplies Plus stores, and the carry out kids
disappear when they see you coming.
7. Your vet's phone number is number one on your speed dial if you don't
have children, number two behind the pediatrician if you do, and your
mother-in-law was bumped in favor of the pet sitter months ago.
8. Your snow shovel and bamboo rake are both in year around use as a
pooper scooper.
9. You've contemplated the contents of the lint filter on your dryer and
wondered why you waste your time grooming dogs.
10.Viewing these contents, you just know there's a market for Malafur
sweaters, Malafur coats and yarns and wonder why Martha Stewart doesn't
have a show on Animal Planet yet.
Author Unknown
Top |
10 reasons to have a dog
10...I love hair in my coffee.
09...Never did like having a full nights sleep.
08...Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW.
07...Thought the furniture looked too nice.
06...Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon,
evening, midnight, pre-dawn,
etc...
05...Garden and backyard needed renovations, and didn't want to pay a gardener.
04...Neighbors didn't complain enough.
03...Kids weren't enough of a challenge.
02...If you can train & show one dog, why not ten?
01...Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows.
Author Unknown
Top |
All I Need To Know In Life, I've Learned From My Dog
- If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you
want.
- When it comes to having sex, if at first you don't succeed, beg.
- Don't go out without I.D.
- Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
- Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
- Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
- Always give people a friendly greeting
- a cold nose in the crotch is effective.
- If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
- When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're
dragged out
from under the bed).
Author Unknown
Top |
The top 10 ways you know that
Martha Stewart is stalking your dog:
10. There is a potpourri pomander hanging from his/her collar.
9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.
6. That telltale lemon slice in his/her new silver water bowl.
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie
cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material
for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of his/her
crate.
2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin
wool hand knitted sweater with matching boots.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG
IS... 1. The dog droppings in your back yard have been sculpted into
swans.
Top |
PUPPY
PRAYER
Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep..
I sleep right in the center groove
My human cannot hardly move!
I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and "I want food!"
I sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin.
She wakes up quickly,
I have sharp teeth- And my claws I will unsheathe.
For the morning here and it's time to play always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.
The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed at night!
Kathy W. - Washington
Top |
|
