Eddie,
There seems to be this fear that we all have to deal with as we come
to an understanding of God's grace. Religion seems to be kind of like
the abusive husband that the wife wants to leave so badly but is so
afraid of what the consequenses might be for doing so. Will he come
after me? Will he find me and hurt me? How will I make it without him?
--After all, he pays all the bills, and he can be sweet at times. But
once the abused wife decides to leave, and gets the chance to get away
and heal, she wonders why it took her so long to leave! She doesn't
see the magnitude of the horrific bondage she was in until freedom is
experienced.
I came to a place in my life where I wasn't even sure if I was saved
or not, so I didn't have a whole lot to lose by believing this gospel.
However the pull of religion was still there, but it was just fear.
That's how deceptive religion is. It binds you with fear, and tells
you that you are free. It's holding power is definitely not one of faith.
Religion tries to build faith on a foundation of fear. It can't be done.
It will come crashing down when the storms of life hit!
It's hard when church friends and family naw at you and judge you as
a backslider. It causes an inferiority complex to surface. But once
you have had a chance to get away from all of that mess and let the
gospel heal your mind/will/emotions, you begin to understand who you
are. You begin to see yourself as God sees you. Then it doesn't matter
what anyone says, because you have that strength and confidence that
God is in you, and that God is a part of who you are. You have become
married to Him and you are one in spirit. People will point the finger
of judgement at you and it bounces right off of you, and you look at
those people with genuine love and compassion.
I wanted so badly for so long to just sit down with my family and talk
to them about the gospel. But something in me just told me to wait.
I felt I needed to see what kind of fruit it would produce in my life,
and learn it. I understand why God took the apostle Paul into the wilderness
for so long and taught him the gospel. You need to have an answer for
those who ask questions, and you need to be able to answer from your
heart.
I will not debate anyone on this gospel for the sake of debate, for
the sake of being right. I only share it if I think it will help someone.
I think that's why I haven't opened up to my family yet, because I think
it will turn into a big debate. That's not productive. Knowledge puffeth
up, but love edifies. Many times we want to tell our families and friends
our understanding of the gospel in order to justify ourselves in front
of them, or in order to convert them to our way of thinking so they
won't judge us anymore. But once we have a good understanding of this
message of righteousness, we no longer feel the need to justify ourselves
or put ourselves right in the eyes of others. Jesus was fully confident
in who He was. He knew He would be judged for dining with "sinners",
for talking to women, for healing on the wrong day, etc, but it did
not bother Him one bit. He knew His identity as the Son of God. He knew
He was right with God. All that matters is what God thinks.
I'll be honest with you. For about 18 years I went to one of those 10,000
member "mega churches" where the pastor is treated like the
president of the United States. He's way up there on that pedestal far
above us piss ants. And every time I see "his royal highness"
out in public, I duck and hide still. He makes me nervous still. If
he were to approach me and start questioning me, I know my heart would
pound. But as I have experienced growth in the gospel, I know that in
the future I will not respond like that. I'll probably be like "hey,
what's up dude?". I know from Paul's letters that Timothy had to
deal with that, and Paul had to reassure him that God has given us a
spirit of power, love, and a sound mind.
Your friend,
Jason