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December 19, 2005
An Open Letter to Tucker Carlson: Dear Tucker, We love you, Tucker. All us retarded Canadian stalkers really love you. Sorry if that sounded sarcastic… it wasn’t meant to be. We just really, really love you, eh? I just saw you on TV, and really liked what you had to say. We need people like you to raise awareness about the shear number of retards here in Canada. We’ve received so little attention in years past. It’s about time that the American public started paying attention to us. We need lots of Americans to come up to Canada and help us with our day-to-day challenges. Personally, I have trouble wiping my bum. I always use too much toilet paper and wind up plugging the toilet. I think smart Americans like you would be really helpful with helping me with this. I don't want to generalize or anything, but all Americans are smart, right? Anyways, thank you for your efforts. If you sell jelly bracelets to raise awareness for Canadian Retardation And Stalking Syndrome (C.R.A.S.S.), I’d love to buy some. What colour are they? I’ve got a retarded cousin too. You really should meet this girl. I mean, technically our whole family is retarded since we’re Canadians… but this chick? Whoa! She actually has this hare-brained notion that people in Kansas learn about Adam and Eve in science class. I mean, where does she get these ideas? All us retards up here know that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the Earth, and that’s learned to us in geography class, not science. Duh! Do you know Ann Coulter? I think she’s really attractive and smart. I have a picture of her taped to the wall in my dorm room. Actually, I’ve got her head taped to Anne Murray’s body. I call her ‘Anne Coulter’. Get it? When I get home from my Foreign Policy class I like to look at her. She really inspires me. I never knew that Canada fought in the Vietnam War. But Ann Coulter told me we did on TV so it must be true. Boy, all the Canadians who were there must have been really bad at fighting, because I’ve never met one Canadian soldier who lived to talk about it. I think that’s really sad. Do you know where Ann Coulter lives? Do you know her street address? I’m only asking because I’m interested in geography. You always talk about these ‘Iraqis’ on TV. (You might want to talk to your caption people because they don’t use a ‘U’ after the ‘Q’ when they spell ‘Iraqis’. That’s the spelling rule, right?) You say some ‘Iraqis’ are good because they like to vote, and some are bad because they like to kill people. Then you say that Republicans are good. Does that mean that some Republicans are bad? Do some Republicans not want people to not vote and some Republicans don’t want to not kill people too? I get confused easily, being retarded and all. You seem to switch topics every two minutes, so it’s hard for us retards to keep up. By they way, what is a Republican anyway? I’ve watched the Star Wars movies, but it didn’t help. Does it have something to do with that TV show 'Rome' where the Republic becomes a Dictatorship or something? Anyways, I have to study for my Economics final. I have to read a whole chapter about how America has to adapt to the ‘rapidly emerging Chinese manufacturing base’. It sounds boring. Maybe if I just ignore it and don’t study it, the teacher won’t ask the question on the exam. Then it will be like the problem never existed. I hope. Ignoring really tough problems is a great way of making things go away, don't you think, Tucker? All the best, and thanks again for your efforts, C.R.A.S.S. Empowerment! Scott Hall, Canada |
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