Jokes

The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.
“What took you so long, son?” he asked.
“The man waited on everybody in the store before me,” the boy replied. “But I got even.”
“How?”
“I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting,” the youngster explained happily. “It’s going to be a mighty noisy place at eight o’clock.”

“I’m really worried.”
“Why?”
“Well, my wife read A Tale of Two Cities and we had twins. Later she read The Three Musketeers and we had triplets. Now she is reading Birth of a Nation!”

* ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
* ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
* ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
* ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
* ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
* ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
* ON TESCO’S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
* ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
* ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
* ON BOOTS CHILDRENS’ COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
* ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
* ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
* ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
* ON SAINSBURY’S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
* ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
* ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

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The little camel went to his mother and asked, “Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?”
She looked on him lovingly and replied, “You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to blowing and there’s sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we don’t get lost.”
“Oh!” he said. “And why do we have such huge feet?
“Well,” she said, “they allow us to walk easily in the dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes.”
“Wow,” he said, “great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?”
“You see,” his mother informed, “we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions?”
“Well, mother,” said the young camel, “I was just wondering, if we’ve got all of this great stuff, what are we doing in the zoo?”

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A man owned a small potato farm. An agent for the Wage and Hour Board dropped by on a routine check to see if the farmer was paying the proper wages to his hired hands.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them” said the agent.
“Well” replied the farmer, “There’s a man who’s been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.”
“Then there is the cook. She’s been here for 18 months and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.”
“Finally there’s a half-wit who works 18 hours every day, and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $30 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of scotch every Saturday night.”
“That’s the guy I want to talk to….. the half-wit”, says the agent.
“That would be me” replied the farmer.

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Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion. The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, “My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.”
The second added, “My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.”
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, “Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts.”

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A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once  more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.  Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”
“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me pass gas.”

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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.  He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time of night,” he thinks, and rolls over.  Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you.  Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be  the Christian thing to help him.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing set.”

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Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?
One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, “With the priest’s blessing, surely this horse will win.” He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.
At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse’s forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.
A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.
This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.
At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, “I have got to go for broke here.” With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.
The horse came in dead last!
As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, “What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost.”
“That’s the problem with you Protestants,” said the priest. “You can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.”

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! “The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” [dramatic pause]
“Hi, George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Dear Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!”
“Dear Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes.  The chicken was Dee-licious!”

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A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”
This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

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Before the plane took off, the flight attendant gave chewing gum to all of the passengers.  “This will keep your ears from popping when we attain a high altitude,” she told them.
After the plane had landed, a worried-looking man came over to the flight attendant.  “This was my first flight,” he told her.  “It was very nice, but now that it’s over, could you tell me how to get this gum out of my ears?”