Doctor's Fee
Arnie, the tailor was frantic. His wife, Rebecca, was sick and perhaps
dying.“Doctor, please save my wife. I’ll pay anything.”
“What if I can’t cure her?”
“I’ll pay you whether you cure her or kill her. Just come straight away.”
Although the doctor was prompt is visiting the woman, she died a few days later. The doctor sent Arnie a hefty bill. The tailor couldn’t hope to pay, and asked the doctor to appear before the rabbi with him, to have the case arbitrated.
“He agreed to pay me for treating his wife, whether I cured her, or killed her.”
The rabbi asked thoughtfully, “Well, did you cure her?”
“No.”
“Then did you kill her?”
“Certainly not.”
“In that case,” said the rabbi, “you have no grounds on which to base a fee.”
The Missionary
A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela
for the first time, struggling with the language. He visits one of the
local churches and sits in the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits down.
Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too.
Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down.
After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. “I take it you don’t speak Spanish,” the preacher says.
The missionary replies, “No, I don’t. It’s that obvious?”
“Well yes,” the preacher says. “I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up.”
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits down.
Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too.
Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down.
After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. “I take it you don’t speak Spanish,” the preacher says.
The missionary replies, “No, I don’t. It’s that obvious?”
“Well yes,” the preacher says. “I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up.”
Construction Site
A young man at this construction site
was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He
especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes,
the older worker had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where you mouth is?” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the young man replied. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, “All right. Get in.”
“Why don’t you put your money where you mouth is?” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the young man replied. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, “All right. Get in.”
Growing Old
A reporter interviewing a 104 year old woman asked: “And what do you
think is the best thing about being 104?”“No peer pressure,” she replied.
TWINS
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the restof his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”
The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look
like?”
The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other.”
Prison Hospital
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils,
adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me
out of this place!Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
Factory Workers
In a small town, there is a rather
sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?”
“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?”
“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”
Little Johnny
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold
cream on her face. “Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face,
Mommy?” he asked.“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”
Crying Baby
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to
go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his
wonderful new son.Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn’t stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby’s ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.
“Here’s the problem,” the doctor explained. “He just needs to be changed.”
The perplexed father remarked, “But the diaper package specifically says it’s good for up to 10 pounds!”
Is She Feeling Any Better?
Nurse: No change yet.
Lawyers Should Never ask a Southern Grandma
a Question
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren’t
prepared for the answer.In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.”
Ugly
Baby
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Feeling Young
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years
old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my
age. How do you feel?” Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
New Baby
“There’s a new baby at our house,” Sally informed the mailman.“Is that so? Is he going to stay?” asked the mailman.
“I think so,” replied Sally glumly. “He’s got all his things off.”
