Happy Birthday
A lady goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides
to start with the basics. “So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?”The lady counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying “Ehhhh .. 22!”.
The interviewer looks at her a little puzzled and then tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”.
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces “Five foot two!”
This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. “And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?”
The lady bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying “Mandy!”.
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, “Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?”
“Ohh that!”, she replies, “That’s just me running through, ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....’ .”
Fired
When asked why by her former employer, she answered, “I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time.”
The Hole
Two guys are walking through the woods
and come across this big deep hole.
“Wow...that looks deep.”
“Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.”
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
“Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey...over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s
GOTTA make some noise.”
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. “Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?” “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”
“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”
“Wow...that looks deep.”
“Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.”
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
“Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey...over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s
GOTTA make some noise.”
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. “Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?” “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”
“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”
The Vet Bill
A woman brought a very limp parrot
into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a
moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so
sorry, Polly has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet took the dog out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead.” He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my bird is dead!!”
The vet shrugged. “If you’d taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but what with the Lab report and the Cat scan......”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet took the dog out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead.” He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my bird is dead!!”
The vet shrugged. “If you’d taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but what with the Lab report and the Cat scan......”
The Hitchhiker
A woman is driving home in Northern Arizona when she comes upon a
Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip has been long and quiet, she
stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. “If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” offers the woman, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, “Good Trade!”
Parrot
A customer walked into a pet shop and spied a parrot. He ambled
over to the bird and said, “Hey, can you speak, Stupid?”The bird answered, “Yes. Can you fly, dummy?”
Water
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: “Da-ad...”“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
“Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad...”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
“Five minutes later...
“Daaaa-aaaad...”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
Cross-Eyed Dog
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and
said to him, “My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?”
“Well,” said the vet “let’s have a look at him” The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.
“Well,” says the vet “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” say’s the man.
“No, because he’s heavy,” says the vet.
“Well,” said the vet “let’s have a look at him” The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.
“Well,” says the vet “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” say’s the man.
“No, because he’s heavy,” says the vet.
Help Yourself
A pastor went over to an elderly member’s house to see how she was
doing. Seated on the sofa and very hungry, he spotted on the coffee
table a bowl of almonds. A little timid, he asked, “Do you mind if I
have one?”The woman was quite reluctant but said, “No, go ahead.”
An hour later, he was in disbelief that he had finished off the whole bowl!
“Oh I’m so sorry about all the almonds!” he said as he stood to leave.
“Oh, don’t worry about it. All I can do is suck the chocolate off since I lost all of my teeth.”
Good
Intentions
The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward
the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the
congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came
upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.“Good morning, Jonathan,” the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan’s hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan’s hand. “What’s this?” the preacher asked.
“Money,” said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, “It’s for you!”
“I don’t want to take your money, Jonathan,” the preacher answered.
“I want you to have it,” said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, “My daddy says you’re the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you.”
Hiccups
A man rushes into drugstore and asks the pharmacist for something
guaranteed to stop hiccups. The pharmacist slowly poured a glass of
water and when it was full he picked it up, suddenly screamed at the
top of his lungs, and threw the water into the man’s face. “Why did you
do that?” the man yelled angrily.“Well you don’t have hiccups now do you?” replied the pharmacist.
“NO!” shouted the man. “But my wife in the car still does!”
Rome
Teacher: When was Rome built?Student: It was built during the night?
Teacher: The night? Where did you get that idea?
Student: Well, everyone knows that Rome wasn’t built in a day.
The
Loan
A lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000.The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the lady hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the lady returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The lady replied, “Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”
Job Applicant
Employer: Look here! What did you mean by telling me you had five
years’ experience when you’ve never even had a job before?Man: Well, you advertised for a man with imagination!
Fire Fighter
A firefighter is working outside the station when he notices a little
girl in a little red wagon with small ladders on the sides, a garden
hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The
wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.The firefighter takes a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire-truck,” the fire fighter says with high regard.
Thanks,” says girl says!
The firefighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s tail.
“Little lady,” the firefighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”
The little girl replies thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but...then I wouldn’t have a siren!
