Jokes

January 2012

First Flight
Speaking of nervousness, an old lady was making her first flight in an airplane. She was highly nervous and insisted on speaking to the pilot before take-off.
‘You will bring me down safely, won’t you?’ she asked anxiously.
‘Don’t worry, madam,’ said the pilot cheerfully, ‘I’ve never left anyone up there yet.’

Stray Cat

Our young daughter had adopted a wandering cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post.
“Don’t worry,” my husband reassured me. “I’ll have him trained in no time.”
I watched for a number of days as my husband tolerantly “trained” our new pet. Whenever the cat smashed, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned immediately. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

War

 War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Customer Service

I’m not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me.

Short Runway
A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: “Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I’ve never seen one that short!”
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. “Wow! You’re right! That’s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?”
“Well we better, we’re almost out of fuel.”
So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot’s hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.
They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.
“HEW! That was CLOSE!” yelled the captain. “That runway was SHORT!”
“Yeah!” said the co-pilot, “and WIDE too!”

Young Business Man
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
New Employee
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office. ‘What is the meaning of this?’ the director asked. ‘When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.’
‘Well,’ the young man replied, ‘in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.’

Insufficient Funds

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!”
“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.
“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”
“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” he said, “There must be some mistake.”
“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

Last Week
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.”
She said, “We can’t do that!”
I told her, “You did it last week!”