What’s
Up Doc
A guy says, “Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking I’m getting
smaller!”Doctor replies, “Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient.”
Government Concerns
Dear Mr. DeVries:It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you
to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
** Here is the response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.
A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials “debris.” I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could match their dam building skills, their resourcefulness, their ingenuity, their persistence, their determination and/or their work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of activity.
My questions to you are:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers?
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there is a violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is;
Aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a lawyer. The Department’s concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.
In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream “restored” to a free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your letter, they being unable to read.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the ice then and there will be no way for you or your staff to harass them then.
Being unable to comply with your request, and being unable to contact you on your answering machine, I am sending this response to your office.
Thank you,
Ryan Devries & the Dam Building Beavers
Q: Why do bees hum?
A: Because they’ve forgotten the words!
A Night In Mexico
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in
jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though
none of them can remember what they did the night before.The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent,” They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell you right now, you ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
Complaining
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked
that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he
asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half
an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and
forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him
why he didn’t throw out the pest.“Oh, I really don’t care or mind,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”
Online Banking
TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?
TECH: We’re an Internet service provider, ma’am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.
CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?
TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.
CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?
TECH: I’m not sure I understand?
CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?
Deer Crossing
In a semi-rural area a woman called the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on her road.
The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”
The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”
If Microsoft Built
Cars
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a
new car.2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you’d have to restart it. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop, fail to restart, and you’d have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.
4. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
5. Someone else - say, a company called Macintosh - would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, and twice as easy to drive. But, it would only run on one road in twenty.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, engine, petrol, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “ERROR” warning light.
8. New seats would require everyone to have the same size backside.
9. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a “Car95” or a “CarNT.” But, then you’d have to buy more seats.
10. The airbag system would say, “Are you sure?” before going off.
Lost Snack
After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.
In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying, “Much love, Mom.”
Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.
A few minutes later, an announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: “Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?”
Under Control?
The airline business has always had a rich sense of humor, and one
purportedly true story doing the rounds at the moment upholds the
tradition. It concerns a stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an
off-duty airline stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of
serious white-knuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the
aircraft’s wing bending and bouncing in the tempest.The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry and flies all the time, she tells him. There is nothing to worry about; “the pilots have everything under control.”
“Madam,” he replies, “I am a Boeing engineer and we did not design this aircraft to do what it is doing.”
Get
Well Soon
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on
his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t
told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown
down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
“Get well quick ..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”
