Jokes

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. “Honey,” he said, “that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

An angry client went back to the automobile garage where he’d purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.
“Listen,” the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!”
“Sorry,” apologized the garage owner. “I didn’t think your car would last longer than that.”

Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner. “Whatever you do,” cautioned one youngster to the other, “Don’t step on it!”
“Why not?” asked the sibling.
“Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!”

---

A guy says to the bartender, “A glass of your finest Less, please.”
“Less? Never heard of it.”
“C’mon, sure you have.”
“No, really, we don’t stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?”
“I’m not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less.”

---

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.
“Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?” the visiting salesman asked.
The old man replied, “Nope.”
So the salesman stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs
As the dog was dragging him away, the salesman was flailing around in the dust and yelled, “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”
The old man replied, “Ain’t my dog.”

---

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A hockey coach?”

---

Two kids were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.
“No, honey, he won’t do for bait,” his mother said. “He’s not an earthworm.”
“He’s not?” Eddy asked his eyes wide. “What planet is he from?”

---

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

---

A big Texan fellah is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett, Ireland and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.
This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, “Say Boy, that’s a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I’d like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so’s I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I’ll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want.”
Liam says, “O sure and you don’t want to be messin with this horse he don’t look too good these days.”
“Hey, Boy,” says the Texan, “Don’t you try to tell me what’s a good lookin’ horse an what isn’t. I been tradin’ horses all my life long and there ain’t nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we’ll get along fine.”
“I’m sayin’ to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don’t want any part of ‘im,” says Liam.
The Texan is getting angry now. “Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what’s good lookin and what’s not and jes give me the price and I’ll pay cash right here and now.”
Oh well, says Liam, “$2000.00US.”
“Deal!” says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.
The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the
Texan turns to Liam and says, “Hey, Boy, you’re a swindler, you didn’ tell me this here horse was blind!”
“I keep tellin’ you he don’t look too good,” says Liam, “and you kept saying that’s none of my business, so in the end I gave up.”

---

What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ?
 ‘Let us prey.’

---

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of cold beers.  The passenger, Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it’s a po-leece roadblock!  We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!”
“Don’t worry Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?” asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, okay?” said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.  When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “Have you boys been drinking?”
“No sir,” said Earl, “we’re on the patch.”