New Monk
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to
the head monk.The head monk said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“Food cold!” the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said “What are your two words?”
“Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“I quit!” said the man.
“Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!”
Prisoner
A man goes out of prison after twenty
years. He decides to go back to the neighbourhood where he lived. When
he gets there he cannot recognize the place. Everything has changed a
lot. The places he used to visit have all disappeared. Even the pub has
disappeared.He is very tired and would like to have something to eat.
He goes into a small café and has a coffee and a sandwich.When
he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker ticket in it. He then
remembers that the last thing he had done before being arrested was to
take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker’s. He decides to go there and
try. What a wondeful thing! The shoemaker is still at the same place.
He gets into the shop and tells the shoemaker that about twenty years
before he had left him a pair of shoes to have them repaired. The
shoemaker has a look at the ticket and says: “O.K. Come back tomorrow.
They will be ready then.”
Pronounce This
The two beginning ESL students went
to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way
to pronounce the word “Hawaii.” One student insisted that it’s Hawaii,
with a “w” sound. The other student said it was pronounced like
“Havaii,” with a “v” sound.
Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said it’s “Havaii.” The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man.
The old man said “You’re velcome.”
Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said it’s “Havaii.” The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man.
The old man said “You’re velcome.”
Parrot Problem
There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot.Not knowing what to do, she called 911. “You gotta help me find my parrot!”
The operator patiently replied, “We can’t help you with that, ma’am. This number only deals with emergencies.”
However, the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.
Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, “But you don’t understand! The only thing he says is ‘Here, kitty, kitty’!!!”
Silly Question
A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.The bartender says “What can I get you?”
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd): No, I’m afraid we don’t.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren’t you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don’t have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What’s your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON’T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I’m going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says, “What the heck do YOU want?”
Duck: Umm. do you have any nails?
Bartender: What!? Of course not.
Duck: Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
Good Dancer
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
Tame The Lion
A man told the ringmaster that he was
interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked
if he had any experience and the man said, “Why, yes. My father was one
of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me
everything he knew.”
“Really?” said the ringmaster. “Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?”
“Yes he did,” the man replied.
“And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?”
“Yes he did,” the man replied.
“And have you ever stuck your head in a lion’s mouth?”
“Just once,” the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, “Why only once?”
And the man said, “I was looking for my father.”
“Really?” said the ringmaster. “Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?”
“Yes he did,” the man replied.
“And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?”
“Yes he did,” the man replied.
“And have you ever stuck your head in a lion’s mouth?”
“Just once,” the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, “Why only once?”
And the man said, “I was looking for my father.”
School Lunches
“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today.” said the boy.“Why not, son?”
“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”
“But why don’t you want to go today?”
“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”
You're Next
When I was young I didn’t like going to weddings.My grandmother would tell me, “You’re next”
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
Grammar Lesson
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”. Always put ‘am’ after an “I”.
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Quick Diagnosis
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you - you’ve broken your finger!”
How
Much Will This Cost Me?
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist: $300.00.
Patient: $300.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
A Lot of Bull
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. They hear about
a bull for sale in Abilene and decide the brunette sister will drive
out to check out the animal. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When
I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out
after me and haul it home.”The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $1599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram telling my sister that I’ve bought a bull and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.” The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just $.99 a word.” Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she says, “I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable’.” The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slowly: com - for - da - bul.”
Gone Fishing
A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake
(close to the farmer’s house) and would always leave with a stringer
full of fish.The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish.
The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.
The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, “I’m going to have to place you under arrest--I am a game warden and you are fishing illegally!”
The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden. The stranger then said, “Are you gonna talk or fish?”
