Wish
You Were Here
A man left Wisconsin for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip in New York and planned to fly down to meet him the next
day. When the man arrived in Florida he e-mailed his wife to let her
know he had arrived, but accidentally sent it to the wrong e-mail
address. Instead of going to his wife his e-mail went to the inbox of a
woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow
opened her e-mail she screamed and fainted. Her son rushed into the
room and found this message displayed on her computer screen:“My darling wife: I just checked in, everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I’m looking forward to seeing you again.
Your loving husband.
p.s. “Sure is hot down here.”
I.R.S.
“Hello, is this Reverend Jones?” the caller asks.A pastor of a church is sitting in his
study when the phone rings.
“It is.” replied the pastor.
“This is Bill Johnson with the Internal Revenue Service. I was wondering if you could answer a few questions?”
“I’ll try.” said the pastor.
“Do you know a John Timmons?”
“I do.”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“He is.”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
“He will.”
The Last Wish
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the
stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing
with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. With labored breath, he
leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for
death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally
hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it
heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its
way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked
with a spatula by his wife, “Don’t Ernest!” she said, “They’re for the
funeral.”
Shipwrecked
The hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The
man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing to do. Only bananas and coconuts.So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life. He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he said. “I didn’t know anyone else survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.” “Its only me,” she said, “ and the rowboat didn’t wash up; nothing did.” He was confused. “Then how did you get the rowboat?”
“Oh, simple,” replied the woman. “I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“B-B-But that’s impossible,” stuttered the man. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?” “Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the other side of the island there is a very unusual rock formation exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.”
“But enough of that,” she said. “Where do you live?” Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. “Well, let’s row over to my place, then.” she said.
After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?” “No, no thank you,” he said, still dazed. “I can’t take any more coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?”
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, “I’m going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom.” No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it’s end. “This woman is amazing,” he thought. “What next?”
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, “we’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know...” She stared into his eyes.
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You mean--?” he replied, “I can check my e-mail from here?”
Fill the Space
Him: When I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn’t
it rush to my feet when I stand up?Her: That’s because your feet aren’t empty.
Return to Sender
A little boy wanted $100, badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the
$100.When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $20.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $20.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $80.00.
Golf
“I can’t see why you play golf with
him. He’s a bad loser.”
“I’d rather play with a bad loser than a winner any time.”
“I’d rather play with a bad loser than a winner any time.”
Long Winded
There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon
seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking
gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, “Hello, I’m Gladys
Dunn.”And the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one ma’am, I’m glad it’s done too!!”
Duck Hunting in Texas
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot
and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side
of a fence from where the lawyer shot.As the lawyer started to climb over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him just what the heck he thought he was doin’.
The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “You just hold on a dadburn minute. This is my property, and thar’s no way yur comin’ over that thar fence.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own!
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things down here in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Texas Three-Kick’ rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Texas Three-Kick Rule’?”
The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, ‘till someone gives.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and ambled up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s shins, causing him to hop on one foot. His second kick knocked the man right off his feet. With the lawyer flat on his back the farmer’s third kick caused him to see stars.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now it’s my turn!”
The old farmer smiled and said, “No way, mister, I give up. You can have the duck!”
Worry-Wart
Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was
ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist
who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and
asked “What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore.”“I hired a professional worrier and I haven’t had a worry since.” replied Jack.
“That must be expensive.” Bob replied.
“He charges $5,000 a month.” Jack told him.
“$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?” exclaimed Bob.
“I don’t know, that’s his problem.”
Taking
His Place
Employee: Say, boss, your assistant just died, and I was wondering if I
could take his place.Boss: It’s alright with me if you can arrange it with the undertaker.
Say What?
There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was
leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his
wife. “What’s wrong with her?” asked the doctor. The old man explained
that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing.
The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he
wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the
doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said
“When you get home, make sure your wife’s back is turned to you and ask
her a question. If she doesn’t respond walk closer and ask her again.
Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results”. That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. “What’s for dinner?” the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again “What’s for dinner?” His wife spins around a bit agitated and says “For the third time, Fried Chicken!!”
Work
Workaholics need the overtime to cover marriage counseling.
