Jokes

One day two nuns were inside the church painting when the air conditioner went out. It was one of the hottest days of the year and soon the heat was more than they could stand. They had to be finished that day so one of the nuns suggested taking off their heavy garments since they were the only ones there. The other nun said “I don’t have anything on under mine.”
“I don’t either” replied the first nun “but who is going to see us?” They got undressed and began painting again. They were much more comfortable and doing quite well when suddenly there was a knock at the door. They froze.
“Who is it?” asked the first nun.
“It is the blind man from down the street” a man answered from behind the door. They talked it over and, seeing no harm since the man was blind, opened the door.
A man walked in with his arms full of boxes. He took one look at the nuns and with a puzzled look asked “Where would you like these blinds?”

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.  Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’ Hadn’t gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time.  My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to yell at her for her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said ‘That’s once.’”

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told her husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your
mother kiss you on the cheek.”

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Its the final round of the $64,000 question and only 3 remaining contestants are left, an Englishman, a Texan and an Arkansan. The question is, finish the following song title and spell the answer. “ Old Macdonald had a ____”.
The Englishman goes 1st and says “estate” “e-s-t-a-t-e”.
The announcer says sorry wrong answer, but right spelling, meanwhile the Arkansan is going nuts he is so excited he cannot control himself. The Texan goes next and answers “ Ranch”, “r-a-n-c-h”.
The announcer says sorry wrong answer but right spelling, and the Arkansan  is jumping up and down and he is so excited he almost screams. The announcer turns to the Arkansan and says “for $64,000 what is the answer.”
The Arkansan answers “farm” , “e-i-e-i-o”

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A man sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”
“I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.”
“So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.”
“Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, “Ten dollars.”
The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
The owner replies, “He’s such a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

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A soldier who lost his rifle was reprimanded by his captain and told he would have to pay for it.
“Sir,” gulped the soldier, “suppose I lost a tank.  Surely I would not have to pay for that!”
“Yes, you would, too,” bellowed the captain, “even if it took the rest of your life.”
“Well,” said the soldier, “now I know why the captain always goes down with his ship.”

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One day a man strolled in to the paint section of a hardware store and walked up to the assistant. “I’d like a pint of canary colored paint,” he says.
“Sure” the clerk replies. “Mind if I ask what it’s for?”
“My parakeet, “the man said. “See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so beautifully he is sure to win.
“Well, you can’t do that!” the assistant says. “The chemicals in the paint will surely kill the poor thing!”
“No they won’t,” says the customer.
“Listen, buddy, I’ll bet you twenty bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him.”
“You’re on” said the customer. Two days later the man walks back in the store and very sheepishly lays $20 on the counter.
“So the paint killed him?” asked the clerk
“Indirectly,” the man said. “He seemed to handle the paint okay, but I think the sanding between coats did him in.”

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In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
She posed this question to her students: “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, “A football coach?”

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Did you hear about the new toothpaste that has shoe polish in it?  It is for people who put their foot in their mouth.

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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)  The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar.  “She said she had an ax and two 38’s!”

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A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.  As the officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car.  “What are those for?” he asked suspiciously.
“I’m a juggler,” the man replied.  “I use those in my act.”
“Well, show me,” the officer demanded, still a little unsure.  So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.  Just then another car passed by.
The driver did a double take, and said, “That’s it Maude.  I’ve got to give up the drink!  Just look at the sobriety test they’re giving now!!”

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“My wife is always asking for money,” complained a man to his friend.  “Last week she wanted $500.  The day before yesterday she asked me for $325.  This morning she wanted $450.”
“That’s crazy,” said the friend.  “What does she do with it all.”
“I don’t know,” said the man, “I never give her any.”

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Two elderly women were out for a Sunday drive in a large car and both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we
just went through a red light”.
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red
again, and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting
nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they
went right through, and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did
you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said “Oh, am I driving?”

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A neighbor was watching a little boy playing with a ball and bat in his backyard. “I’m the greatest hitter in the world” the boy exclaimed as he threw the ball into the air. He swung with all his might but missed the ball and fell down himself.
“Strike One” he says as he gets up. He throws it up again and swings. Again the ball falls to the ground with a thud.
“Strike Two” he yells still undeterred.
“I’m the greatest” he says as he swings once again hitting only air as the ball falls to the ground.
This time he dances around the backyard as he yells “Strike Three.... I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!”

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Officer: Are you happy now that you are in the army.
Soldier: Yes, sir.
Officer: What were you before you joined the army?
Soldier: Much happier, sir!