Uncle Mikey's Offwidth Tips

You can do Pipeline. It is a well protected, awesome climb. I won't pretend to be an offwidth master. In fact, other than being better looking, I am just the same as you! All the same, here are some things that I found useful before getting it on. You may find them useful too.  


1) Practice Faces In The Mirror.

You would have to be a special sort of lunatic to get on a committing offwidth without any sort of practice. As mentioned earlier, I found an offwidth crack at the UBC Music Building and did just that with great effect. In reasonably short order, I developed an arsenal with which to approach the classic squeeze chimney.

As you can see, Pipeline was a little bit thinner than I expected (it turns out that the extra inch makes a world of difference). My arsenal was hopelessly compromised. Out came the "Ohmigod" and the "Gene Simmons Special".    

 2) Fuck All That Hardman Bullshit.

My first Pipeline adventure was a tapeless, ankle grinding tour of hairy-chested destruction. Creating a tape cocoon for my tender skin on the second ascent allowed me to concentrate, instead, on rapidly my shoe was coming apart (I was startled to discover that rubber sticks to granite infinitely better than low grade, faded green suede).



The Chicken wing can be delightful, if you are adequately protected. After my first trip up Pipeline, I was quite impressed with the road rash on the back of my arm (so much so that I went home and took a photo directly). Had this been the extent of my injury, I would have happily donned my t-shirt and done it again. What is NOT pictured here is the gaping hole that Pipeline produced in my back, just above the shoulder blade. It was a nasty, weepy puss-hole that stained every goddamn pillow, bed sheet, and shirt that I own.


I toyed with several ideas for future protection. Neoprene sleeves and thick shirts seemed a bit too bulky. I briefly entertained the notion of butchering a diving suit into some retarded sling-thing that would cross my shoulder and cover my arm. I even had the great fortune of finding these very same diving suits ON SALE for $30 at the local diving shoppe. In the end, I settled for half a roll of tape and a slim turtleneck, meeting with great success.

Anyway. I'm sure all the hardmen out there would shake their head at the thought of using a whole roll of tape in a single ascent of any route. Fortunately, I didn't have to push my way through a crowd of hardmen to reach the base of the route.

3) Marry Into Money.



1x #6 Wild Country Friend
1x #4 Big Bro
2x #3 Big Bro
$ 569.00

 Episode 7: Return Of The Jedi

 Episode 8: Testicular Jones & The Temple Of Booze

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