LOVE IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE
12/21/2008
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GENEALOGY
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Love is not desire,
it is a belief of good between people,
which is a basic principle of humanity,
it's values, virtues, truths and actions.
R.D. (Dick) Garneau, b-1937, Edmonton move to Calgary in 1975 and is the author of this web site. This was the loneliest, darkest period of my entire life. My previous marriage of 15 years was annulled in 1975 by the Roman Catholic Church in Rome.
An annulment by the Roman Catholic Church is to make or declare void or invalid a marriage.
In other wards an annulment is a declaration by the Catholic Church, in Rome, that the marriage union never had the binding force that characterizes marriage from their view point. I had not initiated the annulment and was never offered the right to participate in the process. However I did participate in a civil divorce in 1975. I had, and still believed, marriage was for life, for better or worse. Annulments doesn't void or invalidate the children of that union, but only because, in my opinion, it would conflict with civil law. Enough said about that period of my life, I want to focus on possibility of midlife love.
Midlife usually covers the period of 40 to 60 years of age but few people live to be 80-120. I call mid life for me as 35 to 45 years of age. Granted my mother is 98 and still living, at time of writing, and my father died at 87 but I am not likely to live that long.
My world had crumbled and I was given a choice to move to Toronto or Calgary with my work. Calgary was the logical choice if I ever hoped to spend any time with my kids. I took a high-rise apartment within walking distance to work. It reminded my of a cave dweller, after leaving my large home and treed yard and garden, which I gave to my Ex. I populated my cave with plants and used a foamy for a bed. I did buy a chair and a TV table.
I am a person who can't be single, I need to be needed. I had forgotten most of the social skill for finding a mate. I had decided long ago not to date girls from work, as that just complicates your life. I never was good at the bar scene. I really didn't know where to find eligible women. I tried a night club one night. They asked for single girl volunteers to line up on the dance floor. They were told to close their eyes and the M.C. preceded to feel the girls breast with both hands to judge the winner of the best bust contest. Only one girl blocked this intrusion so later I asked her to dance but she was too shook up and said no. I didn't return to the night clubs. Then I tried the dating adverts in the news paper. I found a nice girl but sex was the only common factor, just not satisfactory. I bought a small TV and went into hibernation.
The year 1976 was same old, same old, very depressing. I saw an advert in the paper of a get together of single, divorced, and widowed Catholic folks at one of the churches. I said what the hell, why not. I drove over, not knowing what to expect. When I walked into the church, I was button holed, to do a reading for the service being conducted. I didn't have time to check to see who was in attendance, as I had to review the reading. This wasn't a problem as I had been a reader and alter boy in my past life.
After service we filed down to a large meeting room. I was very uncomfortable as their was about 100 women and five guys. Well maybe only 50 to 5 ratio but it felt like a 100 to 5 ratio. I selected a rear corner seat against the wall and surveyed the population. It was not a good situation as many of the women wanted to chat at the same time. I noticed one woman, about my age, who was obviously ignoring me. I ignored most of the women who had me cornered and kept my eye on the girl who was ignoring me.
I couldn't break free from my encirclement, so she came over and said, I knew you were watching me and I knew you would talk to me. I said yes you are right but we can't talk here, lets go someplace. We left and decided to go to her place. We both had our cars so I followed her.
When we arrived we exchanged vitals. Her name was Jeanette Louise Schuh Camponi, b-1939 Medicine Hat and has two daughters Karla age 14 and Janelle age 11. She had a little boy Victor who has killed age 8 in a crosswalk going to school. She also was divorced and had gotten an annulment by the Roman Catholic Church. She was a stay at home mom but was finding it difficult as she received no alimony but was getting help from welfare and her mother. She also was very lonely, tried the bar scene without much success. Her mother had insisted she go to the church meeting of single, divorced, and widowed Catholics. She told me she was very impressed with my readings in the Church service. When she realized the number of women to men she decided her best tactic was to obviously ignore me, and it worked.
Over the course of the next week we explored each others principles, beliefs and values. I remember one which stuck out in my mind. She was very clear that the mans role and responsibility was to make a living and a woman's role and responsibility was to make life worth living. I was very impressed. We agreed that major decisions required mutual consent and decisions affecting the home, the woman had the deciding vote. We both had learned, from the birds, that a stay at home mom is the nest builder but that the male is a help mate. We appeared compatible in every way so the only issue is economics. The cost of my high-rise apartment nearly covered the mortgage cost of her home and my eating meals out likely would cover the food costs for a family. We would have to live on a tight budget but it would be worth it. With the economic factors resolved we moved on to other potential problems.
There was only three problems remaining, the girls said, your not our dad, you can't tell us what to do. I figured I could work on this problem but it was a deal breaker if it couldn't be solved. Problem two was her mother who felt that I having five kids was too much of a responsibility but I had the confidence I could make enough to support two families. The third problem was more serious, Jeanette told me she had MS (Multiple Sclerosis). I didn't know much about MS except it was hereditary, progressive disease and there was no cure. I wanted more healthy kids but it was not a deal breaker, not to have more kids. She told me her doctor had insisted she have her tubes tied so she wouldn't have any more kids. I later learned the doctor was misinformed, in fact those who got pregnant usually lost all symptoms of MS during the pregnancy. Also the disease has a heredity susceptibility factor but is not conclusive. The medical profession think it involves three factors, heredity, an unknown environmental factors and likely a virus, maybe a retro-virus. But more important I had lost my first real love over this very same issue of wanting healthy kids. Given the fact we would not likely have more kids together it shouldn't become a deciding factor. MS is a progressive symptoms disease and she might become disabled but I was determined not to lose another possible love because of this issue. Besides she might not get disabled and a challenge doesn't scare me off. So we moved in together.
We instantly melded into a family unit and we couldn't be happier. Within a few short months we entered into a civil marriage because we wanted our commitment to be formalized. The Catholic Church wanted to take 6-8 months of marriage preparation courses and this was not acceptable. We later got churched without a lot of bureaucracy. The girls slowly accepted me as a father image and over time three on my sons came to live with us and accepted Jeanette as a mother image. We acquired a $100.00 tent trailer and began vacationing. Modest, one could even say primitive conditions, but we were in 7th heaven. We slowly won over Jeanette's parents and life couldn't be better. Work was great and our salary greatly improved as did our living conditions.
Jeanette's parents purchased a motor home but were unable to handle it, due to their age. It was agreed I would drive it and we all went vacationing together. It slept 6 but we now numbered 8 so a tent was purchased. Some of the kids slept on the roof, others in a tent. If it rained there was a mad scramble to get floor space in the RV. As time progressed there was always a friend or two, of the kids, who joined us on vacation. We were crowded but one very happy extended family. Jeanette's parents bought a larger RV as we acquired more family members. Randy a friend of our sons had lost his parents in an airplane crash and he was living with his seven sisters which he found very difficult. He asked if he could come and live with us, we said your here everyday anyway, so sure, the more the better.
Our home was always humming with activity as it became the center for teen age activity. We had a heated garage so that became the rock band practice location and we built a large rumpus room for dancing and parties. We also built a 25 sq foot shower with three shower heads, a lounge area and a sauna that could hold 10 people. Food was considered a top priority as we usually fed a house full of family and friends. I remember one time buying $50.00 worth of fruit, set out on the table and one pass of the band on their way to the garage and it was all gone. On another occasion we had some friends over for supper. We prepared a 25 lb turkey and a 15 lb ham with all the trimmings. The teenagers were always welcome to eat what ever was available and we kept paper plates available for that purpose. My friend exclaimed in wonderment, "look at that" referring to the table, "there is only bones left". We all had a great laugh. These were great moments in life. The only down side was I had to travel extensively with my work. Jeanette never complained about the extra work when I was away.
About 1990 our heavenly like existence began to turn, as Jeanette's MS (Multiple Sclerosis) condition started to become worse. It was time to plan our future. My target was still to retire at age 55 in the year 1992. We purchased a motor home with a firm commitment to make travel our top priority, as we knew at some point this would become impossible. We sold our home and bought a smaller home more suited to handicap living. We spent about $20,000.00 changing the design to accommodate the worse case scenario. Keep in mind this is $62,000.00 in 2008 dollars. I wanted a south facing back yard, so I could do gardening when travel was out of the question. Jeanette was feeling very bad that I had to take over the household duties as her abilities began to decline. I said, look for the first half of our marriage you kept us all very well, thank you, now its my turn. During the first half of our marriage the family and myself, wanted for nothing, she deserved a break
In 1991, June 30, life took a great turn for the better. I achieved early retirement at age 54, with full pension. Imperial was downsizing. I was called in by senior management earlier in the year and asked "hypothetically speaking what would you think of early retirement?" I responded I would think about a nano-second and be gone. They asked me to stay a bit longer to help my fellow employees cope with the transition but I said I had greater responsibilities at home. I was also approached to go into independent consulting but I turned it down for the same reason. We immediately executed our travel plans, by RV, logging 30,000 km per year for the next 10 years. We acquired handicap aids like wheelchairs, ramps etc. We went into debt about $20,000.00 for our travels but it was a small price to pay. Life was great! As things got worse we hired caregivers to help out, on our travels and at home.
Not once in our marriage did I hear the common phrases "Not now I am too tired" "Not now I am not in the mood" in fact I was constantly told "If your in the mood in the middle of the night wake me up"
Not once in our marriage did I hear Jeanette say it wasn't fair that she had MS! In fact she always said it could be worse, like AIDS or Cancer.
A truly remarkable woman, friend, wife, lover and mother.
Love is always there if your heart is open to the possibility.
See the preceding chapters on Love & Dating & Midlife love & Death & Dying