Contents:

I KISSED DATING GOODBYE
SMART LOVE
THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY DEFECTIVE DATING
A NEW ATTITUDE
LOOKING UP "LOVE" IN GOD'S DICTIONARY
THE RIGHT THING AT THE WRONG TIME IS THE WRONG THING
THE DIRECTION OF PURITY
THE CLEANSED PAST: THE ROOM
STARTING WITH A CLEAN SLATE
JUST FRIENDS IN A JUST-DO-IT WORLD
GUARD YOUR HEART
YOU DON'T DATE?  WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?
REDEEMING THE TIME
READY FOR THE SACK, BUT NOT FOR THE SACRIFICE
WHAT MATTERS AT FIFTY
PRINCIPLED ROMANCE
SOMEDAY YOU'LL HAVE A STORY TO TELL

Hi, everyone!

How are you?  I'm energized!  I just spent a weekend in the hills of La Baja, Maracas, Trinidad.  I am physically and spiritually refreshed, and I have a few things to share with you.  But I don't think I can share them right now - they might have to wait until tomorrow, when I'll probably have a spare moment or two to type up a few thoughts.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Right now, I want to share with you something very special.  A friend of mine in California sent me a book that arrived on Friday, and which I took up into the hills with me.  I read it over the course of the weekend, and was so impressed by its message, that I thought I would share a compressed version of the book with you all.  The last book which so impressed me was John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus".

Joshua Harris, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", 1997, Multnomah Press.  Josh is a young Christian, probably about 23 or so, who writes from the heart words of wisdom.

(P.S.)  It's pretty late now; I've spent an hour or so typing.  I think it was worth it, so please, take the time to read through this, sometime, hopefully soon.  And let me know what you think! =)
 
 

I KISSED DATING GOODBYE

SMART LOVE: Beyond What Feels Good, Back to What IS Good

- God desires that we express "smart love", as characterized in Philippians 1:9-10, "And this is my prayer, that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ"
- many love relationships are based on selfish wants, and short-term desires; God desires that our relationships bless others, and have a long-term focus
- when we make God's glory and other people's needs our priority, we position ourselves to receive God's best in our lives as well
- while dating may seem an innocent game, the hurt that broken relationships cause means that we're sinning against one another, and we'll be called into account for this

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY DEFECTIVE DATING: Recognizing Dating's Negative Tendencies

- self-control isn't enough to protect us from destructive relationships; we need a new paradigm

- Seven Habits:
 1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily commitment
 - many enjoy intimacy while it serves their needs, but reject it when they're ready to move on
 - dating often involves intimacy for its own sake; no real intention of a long-term commitment
 - intimacy without commitment is dangerous; awakening emotional and physical desires that neither person can justly meet

 2. Dating tends to skip the "friendship" stage of a relationship
 - one-on-one dating has the tendency to move a couple beyond friendship toward romance too quickly
 - in a true friendship, there's no pressure to "like" or be "liked"; you feel free to be yourself without needing to look perfect
 - dating's premise is, "I'm attracted to you; let's get to know each other"; friendship's premise is, "we're interested in the same things; let's enjoy these common interests together"

 3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love
 - adding physical affection to a relationship early adds confusion
 - the physical aspect of a relationship often takes priority and erodes objectivity
 - focusing on the physical is plainly sinful; often all that is held in common is lust

 4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships
 - dating involves two people focused on each other
 - unless a man is prepared to make a woman his wife, he has no right to claim her exclusive attention
 - dating often expects an exclusivity that isolates people from friends, family members, and even God

 5. Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility in preparing for the future
 - during the young adult stage, youth need to equip themselves with character, education, and experience necessary to succeed in life, but are consumed by the present needs that dating emphasizes
 - preoccupation with being the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend now can actually hinder you from being the future husband or wife that person will one day need

 6. Dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness
 - a string of uncommitted dating relationships is not God's ideal for us
 - singleness is the season where we can unreservedly serve God
 - as good stewards of our singleness, we should not allow what God has not yet ordained for us to rob us of our ability to enjoy and appreciate what we have
 - dating causes people to focus on what they don't have

 7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person's character.
 - each person in a relationship can easily convey an artificial image
 - being a fun date doesn't say anything about a person's character or ability to be a good husband or wife

A NEW ATTITUDE:  Five Attitude Changes to Help You Avoid Defective Dating

 1. Every relationship is an opportunity to model Christ's love
 2.  My unmarried years are a gift from God
 3. Intimacy is the reward of commitment - I don't need to pursue a romantic marriage before I'm ready for marriage
 4. I cannot "own" someone outside of marriage
 - any claims on another person's time, affection, and future before marriage are unwarranted
 5. I will avoid situations that could compromise the purity of my body or mind

LOOKING UP "LOVE" IN GOD'S DICTIONARY: Learning the True Definition of Love

- when Paul wrote to the Corinthians, he was writing to the hotbed of immorality in ancient times
- he painted a very different picture of love: "Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Cor. 13)
- Jesus said, "AS I have loved you, so you must love one another" (John 13:34)
- the world believes that love is primarily for the fulfillment and comfort of self
- the world believes that love is primarily a feeling
- the world believes that love is beyond our control
- Christ taught that love is not for the fulfillment of self, but for the good of others and the glory of God (John 15:13)
- Christ showed that true love is not measured or governed by feeling; he went to the cross despite his feelings expressed in the Garden of Gethsemane
- Christ taught that love expressed itself in obedience to God and service to others (John 14:15)
- Christ taught the love is under our control; he chose to love and to lay down his life for us

Ask yourself:
 What is my real reason for seeing this person romantically?
 What am I seeking that couldn't be found in a friendship?
 Am I selfishly seeking my own fulfillment?
 What am I communicating to him/her?
 Am I arousing emotions I'm not ready to meet?
 Will he/she be hurt if I allow this relationship to proceed now?
 Is this relationship going to help or hinder his/her walk with God?

- love must be sincere; intimacy must be accompanied by intentions of marriage

THE RIGHT THING AT THE WRONG TIME IS THE WRONG THING: How to Keep Impatience from Robbing You of the Gift of Singleness
- we need to wait on God's timing for our experiences
- we should not "shop" for intimacy before we're reading to give commitment
- any season of singleness is a gift from God (1 Corinthians 7:32)

THE DIRECTION OF PURITY: How to Get on the Road to Righteousness

- David's fall into sin started when he stayed home when the armies went to war; his place was with the army
- it's when we're idle or not doing what God wants us to that we fall into sin most often
Purity in Action:
 1.  Respect the deep significance of physical intimacy
 - a man and woman who commit their lives to one another gain the right to express themselves sexually to one another; no-one else has the right to sexual intimacy on any level
 2.  Set your standards too high
 - starting something you can't finish isn't wise; choose not to be involved physically
 3.  Make the purity of others a priority
 - support your friends, same and opposite sex; encourage with the way you communicate; don't mislead or trip emotions; don't dress to provoke

- purity is something God highly values (Matthew 5:8)

THE CLEANSED PAST: THE ROOM: How Jesus Can Redeem Your Past

- this is a dream that Josh actually had; you've probably seen it - it did the "forward" circuit:

                             The Room
====================================================================
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.  There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index card files.  They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order.  But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings.  As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "People I Have Liked".  I opened it and began flipping through the cards.  I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.  This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life.  Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content.  Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.  A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed".

The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird.  "Books I Have Read", "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I Have Laughed At".  Some were almost hilarious in their exactness:  "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers."  Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents".  I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.  Often there were many more cards than I expected.  Sometimes fewer than I hoped.

I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.  Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards?  But each card confirmed this truth.  Each was written in my own handwriting.  Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To", I realized the files grew to contain their contents.  The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file.  I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts", I felt a chill run through my body.  I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card.  I shuddered at its detailed content.  I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

An almost animal rage broke on me.  One thought dominated my mind:  "No one must ever see these cards!  No one must ever see this room!  I have to destroy them!"  In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out.  Its size didn't matter now.  I had to empty it and burn the cards.  But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the
floor, I could not dislodge a single card.  I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot.  Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.  And then I saw it.  The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With".  The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused.  I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands.  I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came.  I began to weep.  Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me.  I fell on my knees and cried.  I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all.  The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes.  No one must ever, ever know of this room.  I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.  No, please not Him.  Not here.  Oh, anyone but Jesus.  I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards.  I couldn't bear to watch His response.  And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.  He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.  Why did He have to read every one?

Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room.  He looked at me with pity in His eyes.  But this was a pity that didn't anger me.  I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again.  He walked over and put His arm around me.  He could have said so many things.  But He didn't say a word.  He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files.  Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

"No!" I shouted rushing to Him.  All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him.  His name shouldn't be on these cards.  But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive.  The name of Jesus covered mine.  It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back.  He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards.  I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.  He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room.  There was no lock on its door.  There were still cards to be written.
 

STARTING WITH A CLEAN SLATE: Four Important Steps for Getting on Track with God's Plan
 1. Start with a clean slate
  - repent of your sins; break up if you need to end a relationship that is wrong; adjust the focus of relationships that have too much "us" focus
 2. Make your parents your teammates
  - learn to be open and honest with parents about romantic interest
  - learn from their wisdom
  - if parents are unavailable, seek an older mentor
 3. Establish protective boundaries
  - decide how much time you want to spend together, what is a romantic setting, how much of yourself you want to share, before you enter a relationship
 4. Check who's whispering in your ear.
  - watch your influences: friends, movies, novels, music, television
  - be a positive influence on your friends
 

JUST FRIENDS IN A JUST-DO-IT WORLD: Keys for Keeping Your Relationships with the Opposite Sex out of the "Romantic Zone"
 1. Understand the difference between friendship and intimacy
 - friendship involves something outside of the relationship: a common goal, a hobby, faith, music
 - intimate relationships focus on the relationship
 2. Be inclusive, not exclusive
 - go out of your way to involve friends, family, strangers in the relationship
 3. Seek opportunities to serve, not to be entertained
 - this shifts the focus of the relationship to benefiting others and not self alone; this pleases God and creates a great experience of friendship - two people working side by side achieving a common, noble, purpose
 

GUARD YOUR HEART: How to Fight the Pollutants of Lust, Infatuation, and Self-Pity
- realize that the human heart is naturally deceitful, and it doesn't take much encouragement to lead us astray
- God desires our affections, being infatuated with another is giving them what is God's
- seek to remove lust completely from your mind; pray and avoid things that stimulate lustful thoughts and actions
- don't compare yourself with others; when you feel sorry for yourself, direct your energies into compassion for others
 

"YOU DON'T DATE?  WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?":  What to Do When People Ask Why You Don't Play the Dating Game
- give humble, not snappy answers
- communicate your convictions with a desire to please God, not to put others down
- you don't have to prove someone wrong to do what you know is right
- our primary purpose for communicating with others should be their encouragement and growth
 

REDEEMING THE TIME: Making the Most of Your Singleness
- do well that which you are doing now
- develop the character and virtue you will need to be a good spouse
- practise seeking God with others
- practise financial responsibility
- practise parenthood
- practise practical life skills

READY FOR THE SACK BUT NOT FOR THE SACRIFICE: How to Have a Biblical and Realistic Vision of Marriage
- marriage is the first institution (Genesis 2:22-24)
- marriage depicts the supernatural union between Jesus and the Church (Ephesians 5:31-32)
- marriage is the event God has chosen to consummate all of time (Revelation 19:7)
- marriage is to be held in honour (Hebrews 13:4)
- marriage is a refining process

WHAT MATTERS AT FIFTY?: Character Qualities and Attitudes that Matter Most in a Life Partner
Things to look for:
 1.  How a person relates to God
 - look for, and work on becoming, one who seeks God wholeheartedly, putting Him before anything else
 2.  How a person relates to others
 - authorities, parents, the opposite sex, companions
 3.  Personal discipline
 - time, money, personal hygiene and fitness,

The Impact of Attitude; Look for:
 1.  An attitude of willing obedience to God
 2.  An attitude of humility
 3.  An attitude of industriousness
 4.  An attitude of contentment and hopefulness

PRINCIPLED ROMANCE: Principles that Can Guide You from Friendship to Matrimony
 1.  Remember your relational responsibilities
  - remember your responsibilities to:
   - the person you're interested in
   - family and friends
   - God
 2.  Seek a deeper friendship first
  - don't be impatient about romance; let it develop, but be friends first
  - avoid saying and doing things that express romantic love
  - serve, and listen for God's leading
 3.  Watch, wait, and pray
  - make sure you get the "green light" from:
   - God's word
   - personal readiness for marriage
   - approval and support from friends and family
   - God's peace
 4.  Define the relationship's purpose: pursuing marriage
  - the guy should take the lead and provide direction for the relationship
  - this is a serious step
 5.  Honour her parents
  - ask for permission to woo; allow them to question your intentions and integrity
 6.  Test and build the relationship is real-life settings
  - serve and learn together; do stuff alone, but still in a safe environment
 7.  Reserve passion for marriage
  - keep hands off and clothes on
  - consider waiting for marriage before even kissing
  - physical intimacy is meaningless and harmful outside of the commitment and holiness of marriage
 

SOMEDAY YOU'LL HAVE A STORY TO TELL: Writing a Love Story You'll Feel Proud to Tell

 - one day, you'll have to tell your romance story to your children or grandchildren
 - live so that you'll have no regrets
 - and if you have regrets already, live so that you will have no more

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I've shared this with you so that those of you who can use these principles would be blessed.  Please respond to me if you agree, disagree, or have some thoughts to share.

I care about all of you, and I pray that you will be blessed greatly by the Godly counsel of Joshua Harris.

God bless,

Dave.
 
 

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