What's Your Breath Profile?

The way you breathe says a lot about how you live your life and how you see yourself. It is your most intimate relationship with the outside world. The new ancient science of breathology has arisen out of this insight and its experts/visionaries (choose one) have created a vast body of knowledge i am sharing with you here at no charge. Find out what your breathological profile says about you and how you can use this knowledge to maximize your life potential.
First determine which of the five breathing types you most resemble and then find out what insights breathology has to offer that can get your life in gear.

(A)I am an oxygen depleter. My net contribution to the planet seems to be negative. I am unsure why exactly i am here, but feel unworthy as a member of the species which is proving to be such a malignancy on this earth. Perhaps if there were four billion fewer of us, there would be more room to make a distinctive creative contribution as individuals rather than, as it feels now, as statistical ciphers. Meanwhile i will breathe as little as possible.

(B)I breathe economically. The balance of the biosphere is shifting to the point where oxygen consumers far outweigh suppliers. Scientists are in a lather about climate change, some long-range noise about a few degrees warmer in a century, but what about breathing? I'm doing my bit by breathing less. To the hiking motto, "Take only photographs, leave only footprints," i add "take only as much oxygen as you need." Small is beautiful.

(C)I am an informed consumer of oxygen. This hoo-hah about carbon dioxide is all very well, but there is still plenty of oxygen to go around, even if it's polluted. I greet the abundance of existence with life, love and laughter. Breath comes in, breath goes out. I watch and celebrate.

(D)I breathe deeply, consciously into my hara. Breath is prana, energy, qi, life. Breath is the expression of my love affair with existence. Not-me enters in the form of oxygen and energizes me as it becomes me. A part of myself leaves in the form of carbon dioxide and becomes nourishment for plants. With every inhalation and exhalation i feel myself becoming more alive and one with the cosmos.

(E)I breathe bioenergetically, oxygenating my body to the max. Every cell ripples, throbs and squirms with life energy. My body operates with such efficiency that rest is almost not needed – i take about two hours a night of sleep just to placate old habits and rhythms. Burnout? People who don't live this way are already burned out.


(A)No need to tell you you have self-esteem problems. Your rationale about the planet's problems is a pretty thin veil covering an enormous self-hate. You are so far gone that it's probably no use telling you that existence must want you here for a reason. Why prolong the misery? In fact, it is your misery that is the burden on the planet, not your physical existence. So drop it now – deep therapy is a must – or get out of the way and be one of the four billion we could use less of.

(B)It is obvious that your life is seriously mickey-mouse. This politically correct approach to breathing is a pretty thin veil covering the abdication of your life to an internalized petty bureaucracy of parental and societal strictures. You can throw off this tyranny by taking my course or go on counting beans on your abacus.

(C)You may think you have it together but you are only masquerading. Your celebration is a pretty thin veil covering a lack of consciousness about the suffering of Mother Earth. Your claim to be informed rings hollow when it is clear that you are blithely ignoring your fellow beings' welfare. You can truly celebrate only after you have processed these blocks in your consciousness. I invite you to do my course now, or you may never know how superficial your celebration is.

(D)Nobody who really felt and breathed this way would ever be browsing around in this place, so i smell a rat. Your position is a pretty thin veil for something. I can't say more about this until i meet you in person, so book my course now and we'll look at it.

(E)Uh, excuse me, are you for real? This way-beyond-type-A grabbing life by the cojones is a pretty thin veil for your inability to relax. Your constant motion and obsession with energy show clearly that the peace that passeth understanding has sailed without you. This restlessness is a symptom of a deeper malaise. My course can help you get to the bottom of it or you will continue to buzz around meaninglessly like a fly on shit.

So how's your breath profile, eh?