Meeting the Master – Holy Begonias!!

by Ma Gyanesha

his is a little story that I carry dear in my heart and I would like to share it with you. When I moved to B.C. in 1980 I looked up my old friend Pathia and found her in a great big beautiful house around 28th and Oak. There was something unusual, something was happpening there.

Pathia and I went into her room and we talked and laughed and shared old gossip. She started to tell me a little bit about Osho. I became very curious and the more she talked the more curious I became. We had known each other for a long time in a lot of different ways and we had a wonderful connection. Lots of joy and laughter. I knew when I saw her that something had happened to her. I knew I had to check this out.

That night Pathia gave me the Osho tape This Very Body the Buddha. My God! I was all alone in this beautiful room and I went to bed and listened to this tape. It just entered me – the sweetness and the clarity and the love that I felt coming from his voice. There were tears running down my face and I started to breathe. My heart was open. I'm always looking for the word or words to describe this feeling. It was smooth and rich and like a bottle of good champagne. That first glass that comes in and it touches you but without the alcohol. That first ah! rush in your body and in your heart.

It's transformational. Love is like that, it can feel so sweet and so painful at the same time. It's a bitter sweetness! I remember hearing Osho say that “The master is like a fire, he burns everything in you that's false.” You're like a moth near the flame. You love it, yet it hurts; you want to go nearer and yet you are being consumed and destroyed. You want it and you know that it's going to change you but you want it anyway. Your knees are shaking and you still want to walk. You want to be in that fire. It's a different kind of burning. It's not the kind of burning that feels tense. It's the kind that feels like a let go.

The second discourse that I listened to was the famous “fuck tape.” I laughed and laughed, rolling on the floor till my stomach ached. Then something happened to me – I felt a total synthesis. I knew that this is what I want, this is what I've always been looking for. I always felt very open sexually and I always felt very spiritual – all my life. And all of a sudden something just joined together for me and I said this is the guy. This is the guy who understands that I need to bridge these two. I always knew that sex was not bad. And I knew that spirituality was very important and I knew that they both needed to be there. When sexual energy is transformed, when it explodes and goes into these unknown, vast, mysterious realms, it becomes tantra. Your kundalini is there rising through your heart and your throat and you can sing your love song: that's tantra. Some people call Osho a sex guru but I call him a tantra master. When I started to understand through Osho that God could live in my vagina just like he could live in my third eye or crown chakra I went: Holy Begonias!! We've really got something happening here.

When I became pregnant 3½ months before I took sannyas it was a very magical time. I was feeling very vulnerable and I was transforming in ways I didn't even know about. I was going into these areas where sometimes I felt drunk, I felt off-kilter, off-balance, OUT OF CONTROL. I was someone who needed to have some kind of control in order to think I was okay. I was being stripped of this control slowly but surely. I was crying, I was talking, I was laughing, I was dancing.

My first encounter with Osho was a real shock because I wasn't expecting it. I was still in control mode thinking that I've got to prepare and yet being so excited that I had no control over anything anyway. Still in my mind thinking that I needed to figure something out. And then there I was, sitting in Buddha Hall in Rajneeshpuram, waiting for Osho to come out. He walked out and turned with his hands together and this bolt of energy flew from him to me right into my hara and into my heart area – in between the two chakras, or both. I don't know. I don't know what happened. I just know that this big ball of something hit me and I remember it piercing me, right into my heart. I remember my body falling back and the swami from behind holding me with his hands and supporting me. Oh my God! I don't really know what happened. It was like an energy session. All in silence but so profound. I knew that I was really happy and very grateful to be there. I didn't need to know anything more. It just stripped me of all my outer needs and brought me right inside. It was very simple there, very crisp and clear at the same time. Simple, vast and very mysterious. I was crying. I was laughing. I was shaking. I felt that energy and I almost fell completely back. It was like I was on a road and I came to a fork in the road. I didn't take either path. I stood right in the middle and that's where I met my Master.

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