Seeing you, certainly I rejoice. So many jokes all around! Perhaps this is the first gathering in the world where jokes are being used for spiritual growth... I see your troubles and really... I take them seriously, but deep inside I am giggling. Not to offend you, I talk about your problems, which are sheer nonsense but don't tell it to anybody!
And you cannot become otherwise unless you become enlightened. Only enlightened people don't have anything in life which you can make a joke of. But in ignorance and unconsciousness, whatever you do is somehow hilarious your fights, your love affairs, your marriages, your divorces. If you start watching your behaviour, you will find out for yoursef "My God. My whole life is full of jokes!"
"Quick," yells little Ernie as he rushes into the drugstore, "my Dad is hanging upside down by his pants leg in a barbed wire fence!"
"What do you need?" asks the druggist. "Help or first-aid supplies?"
"Nothing like that," says little Ernie breathlessly, "I want another roll of film for my camera!"
Bernie was more than a little annoyed when a neighbour telephoned at 3 am and complained, "Your dog is barking so loudly that I can't sleep!" The neighbour hung up before he could reply.
The following morning at 3 am, Bernie called his neighbour and said, "I don't have a dog!"
Ruthie Finkelstein is lying on her deathbed. "Moishe," she murmurs to her husband sitting beside the bed, "I must make a confession before I go. The fact is, I have been unfaithful to you."
"I know," says Moishe quietly.
"I don't think you understand," pleads Ruthie. "What I mean is that I have been with another man."
"Yes, I know that," Moishe murmurs.
"Not just once," continues Ruthie, "but lots of times in his office, in his house..."
"Yes, I know that dear," says Moishe soothingly.
"Even in this house, in this very bed!" cries Ruthie.
"Yes, I know," whispers Moishe. "That's why I put rat poison in your tea."
The O'Learys are touring India and one day Paddy finds that he has left his watch in the hotel. He has been photographing an elephant with his trainer, so he asks the trainer what the time is.
The man slowly reaches out and takes hold of the elephant's balls, shifts them slightly and says, "It's five to one."
"My God!" gasps Paddy. "That's incredible. Wait, I want to fetch my wife." A few minutes later, Paddy comes racing back with Maureen and again asks the time. The man reaches out, cups the elephant's balls as though weighing them, then moves them to one side and declares, "It is three minutes past one."
"Fantastic!" cries Maureen, checking he watch. Paddy digs a hundred-dollar bill out of his pocket and offers it to the Indian if he will show them how he tells the time. The man shrugs and folds the money in his dhoti. He motions the O'Learys to kneel beside him. They hold their breath as the man once again cups the elephant's balls in his hands. Moving them to one side, he says, "Now do you see that clock over there?"
Old man Chester Cheese, aged 85, went to the sperm bank to make a deposit. The young woman at the reception was skeptical. "Are you sure that you want to do this?" she asked.
"Yes," said old Chester, "I feel it is my duty to give something from myself to the world."
The woman gave him a jar and directed him to a room down the hall. When thirty minutes had passed and he did not return, the girl began to worry that he might have had a heart attack.. But just then the old man came out of the room and approached the woman.
"Listen," he said, "I tried it with one hand, then I tried it with two hands, then I got it up and hit it on the sink, then I ran warm water on it, then cold water over it... and I still can't get the lid of the jar open!"
Mrs. Applebottom becomes angry with the French maid and after a series of stinging remarks about her abilities, she dismisses her. But the French maid will not allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband," she cries, "considers me a better cook and housekeeper than you, Madam. He told me so himself."
Mrs. Applebottom looks at the girl scornfully and makes no comment.
"Also," says the angry girl, "I am better than you in bed!"
"And I suppose," snaps Mrs. Applebottom, "that my husband told you that, too!"
"No, Madam," says the maid, "the chauffeur told me that."
It is a beautiful summer Saturday, so Herman decides to sunbathe in the nude for the first time in his life. He is on the roof of his apartment building, and he forgets about the time. Five hours later, he finds himself practically burnt to a crisp, especially his prick.
Later that night, Herman is in bed with his new girlfriend, Zelda, and he is in agony. So he gets up, tiptoes to the kitchen, pours a tall glass of ice-cold milk and submerges his lobster-red machinery into it. Herman sighs from the relief, when suddenly Zelda appears in the doorway.
"Oh my God," she gasps. "So that is how you guys load that thing!"