A very proper Englishman goes into a bar one night, sits down, but does not order a drink. The bartender, an unusually friendly guy, asks him if he would like a drink on the house,
The Englishman shakes his head.
I tried liquor once, he says. Did not like it.
Still trying to be friendly, the bartender asks him if he would like to join a couple of the boys for a few hands of poker.
The Englishman shakes his head. Tried gambling once, he says. Did not like it. In fact, I would not be waiting in this place at all, but I promised my son I would meet him here.
I see, says the bartender.
Your only child, I assume.
One day Lupo is walking home when he notices a huge gorilla standing on the roof of his house.
Not knowing what to do about it he looks in the phone book under Gorilla Removals. Then he calls up George's Get Lost Gorilla Service and explains the situation.
Ten minutes later George arrives with a banana, a bulldog, a butterfly net, a ladder and a loaded gun.
Okay, says George, it is quite a simple thing. I am gonna throw the banana at the gorilla, and while he is busy eating it, I am gonna climb up the ladder and push him off the roof.
Then the bulldog is trained to grab him by the nuts, and when the gorilla holds himself in pain, you throw this butterfly net over him
Great! shouts Lupo, with enthusiasm.
But what about the gun?
Well, explains George, if I miss the gorilla and fall off the roof myself, you shoot the dog!
A hotel manager is giving some advice to his staff about how to cope with embarrassing circumstances.
Suppose one of you enters a room, he explains, and finds a lady in a state of undress. Anything you do or say could make matters worse, but there is a simple way out. Just pretend you are short-sighted and say something like, I'm terribly sorry, sir, I'll come back in a minute. That will save her from embarrassment.
The next morning a young waiter is on duty taking breakfast up to a room. He knocks on the bedroom door and receiving no answer, walks in. There on the bed, a naked couple are indulging in an energetic bout of lovemaking. Suddenly, they sense the waiter's presence and there is a ghastly silence until the waiter remembers the lecture of the day before. With complete confidence he asks, Would either of you gentlemen like breakfast?
Paddy's at the bar and he's drunk so much that the bartender asks him to leave. Paddy insists that he is not drunk, and he will prove it.
See that cat coming in the door? he says. Well that cat has only one eye and that proves I am not drunk.
You are drunker than I thought! says the bartender. That cat is not coming in, it's going out.